I don't think this is a cry for help but maybe it is. I know I've got plenty to live for - everyone keeps telling me that but I've just had enough. I've been living with depression for most of my life now - over 20 years and I just don't want anything anymore. My wife left me 4 months ago and it's been the worst it's ever been. So many days I just can't do anything. I'm in so much pain I can't even cry. I can't bleed it out of me, it's intoxicating. The only thing that's stopped me from ending it now (and in the past too) is the effect it'll have on the people I leave behind. I don't want to cause them any pain although obviously if I die I will. If I commit suicide then the pain will be so much worse. If I knew of a way of ending myself without making it look like a suicide I'd have been dead years ago... I'm still looking. I'm not sure anyone can say anything to help me here. Not even sure why I'm posting to be honest. Unless it's to ask if anyone knows of any good untraceable ways but I'm guessing I'm not going to get those answers. The pain is just too much to bear every damn day. I don't really want to kill myself I just don't want to be alive anymore and I can't think of a way for that to happen other than by killing myself so... I can't see my life being happy again... if it ever really was in the first place! I just want this all to be over.