At the beginning of this year, I graduated from college and started a job close to home. My boyfriend of two years is still in school, about an hour away. We emailed and talked on the phone and visited with each other on weekends. A little less than two months ago, he called me while he was semi-intoxicated and told me that he didn't "want to do this" anymore. He informed me that he just wasn't happy and that he didn't think we were getting along. This came as a shock to me. He had ended his last communication to me with "Miss you, love you." just a few hours before and never gave any indication that he was unhappy. I had felt that we were getting along very well. He would never tell me what had made him unhappy or why he felt that we weren't getting along. I tried talking to him, but he didn't want to. He still feels some obligation to be "friends" but my mother (with whom I live) does not think that I should talk to him anymore, so our communication is limited to very occasional emails and phone calls. The more I observe his behavior, the more aware I am that he probably never loved me. He cares a great deal about his friends and obsessively makes sure that he gets to spend all of his free time with them now. He has sent mixed messages, at times saying that we should get back together because he cares about me and wants me to be happy, then later saying that he doesn't love me and that I'll be OK on my own. He has said that he broke up with me because he was afraid he would be "trapped" into marrying me in a year or so (then denied that this was true), he has said that he didn't like having to hear me complain about work, he has said that he just wondered if another girl could make him happier (he later denied ever even saying this). He just continues to say one thing, then turn around and say something else. At this point, I believe that he has stopped caring about me in any sense. I'm not a stupid person. I know that I should just stop talking to him altogether in any form of communication and "move on with my life." The problem is, I know that I can't. I don't even want him to call me and ask to get back together now. That's the truth. I have no friends and everyone in my family is too self-obsessed to be supportive or caring. They all have their own problems and are focused on them. I feel utterly alone on this earth. Plus, because this breakup happened now, I don't have options for "moving on." My mother gets sad and angry if I talk about moving into my own place and claims that I won't be able to do it, and she won't even let me just go out alone because she wants me home. I get up at 6:00am, go to work in the basement of a library, then head home at 5:30pm and go to bed at 10:00pm to get started again the next day. I work with people much older than me who all live in the same community near where I work. They're civil to me at work, but certainly no one with whom I could be friends. When my boyfriend and I were together, I was friends with his friends as well, but I obviously can't be anymore. I've begun purging everything I eat, cutting myself, and having very real suicidal thoughts. I felt really sad two nights ago like I was going to hurt myself and I called him for help (he was at a party with his friends) and he got angry and said "I don't see why you have to do this right now, while I'm at this party." I was happy when my boyfriend and I were together, not because I had a boyfriend but because I loved him for who he was, every part of who and what he was as a person. He made me feel loved too, I felt like he cared so much for me and would always be there for me, at least in a caring and supportive role. But I was wrong. I know that there are probably good things in my life somewhere but I can't bring myself to enjoy anything anymore. I look at my life now and I can't see the situation changing for years. I can't move out, I can't go out, I can't make new friends, I can't talk to my boyfriend. I just feel like as long as I'm alive, I'm trapped. I don't want to live like this. I have a plan and bought the supplies. I want to do it tomorrow.