I just don't want to live, and so what

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by but_not_today, Jun 30, 2008.

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  1. but_not_today

    but_not_today Member

    At the beginning of this year, I graduated from college and started a job close to home. My boyfriend of two years is still in school, about an hour away. We emailed and talked on the phone and visited with each other on weekends. A little less than two months ago, he called me while he was semi-intoxicated and told me that he didn't "want to do this" anymore. He informed me that he just wasn't happy and that he didn't think we were getting along. This came as a shock to me. He had ended his last communication to me with "Miss you, love you." just a few hours before and never gave any indication that he was unhappy. I had felt that we were getting along very well. He would never tell me what had made him unhappy or why he felt that we weren't getting along. I tried talking to him, but he didn't want to. He still feels some obligation to be "friends" but my mother (with whom I live) does not think that I should talk to him anymore, so our communication is limited to very occasional emails and phone calls. The more I observe his behavior, the more aware I am that he probably never loved me. He cares a great deal about his friends and obsessively makes sure that he gets to spend all of his free time with them now. He has sent mixed messages, at times saying that we should get back together because he cares about me and wants me to be happy, then later saying that he doesn't love me and that I'll be OK on my own. He has said that he broke up with me because he was afraid he would be "trapped" into marrying me in a year or so (then denied that this was true), he has said that he didn't like having to hear me complain about work, he has said that he just wondered if another girl could make him happier (he later denied ever even saying this). He just continues to say one thing, then turn around and say something else. At this point, I believe that he has stopped caring about me in any sense.

    I'm not a stupid person. I know that I should just stop talking to him altogether in any form of communication and "move on with my life." The problem is, I know that I can't. I don't even want him to call me and ask to get back together now. That's the truth. I have no friends and everyone in my family is too self-obsessed to be supportive or caring. They all have their own problems and are focused on them. I feel utterly alone on this earth. Plus, because this breakup happened now, I don't have options for "moving on." My mother gets sad and angry if I talk about moving into my own place and claims that I won't be able to do it, and she won't even let me just go out alone because she wants me home. I get up at 6:00am, go to work in the basement of a library, then head home at 5:30pm and go to bed at 10:00pm to get started again the next day. I work with people much older than me who all live in the same community near where I work. They're civil to me at work, but certainly no one with whom I could be friends. When my boyfriend and I were together, I was friends with his friends as well, but I obviously can't be anymore. I've begun purging everything I eat, cutting myself, and having very real suicidal thoughts. I felt really sad two nights ago like I was going to hurt myself and I called him for help (he was at a party with his friends) and he got angry and said "I don't see why you have to do this right now, while I'm at this party."

    I was happy when my boyfriend and I were together, not because I had a boyfriend but because I loved him for who he was, every part of who and what he was as a person. He made me feel loved too, I felt like he cared so much for me and would always be there for me, at least in a caring and supportive role. But I was wrong. I know that there are probably good things in my life somewhere but I can't bring myself to enjoy anything anymore. I look at my life now and I can't see the situation changing for years. I can't move out, I can't go out, I can't make new friends, I can't talk to my boyfriend. I just feel like as long as I'm alive, I'm trapped. I don't want to live like this. I have a plan and bought the supplies. I want to do it tomorrow.
  2. ItThing

    ItThing Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry about your boyfriend. He sounds really freakin confused. If you still love him, tell him that as far as you are concerned, you are on a break and to call you when he knows what he wants. Maybe he doesn't want to be together anymore, maybe he does and in a few days he'll decide to get together. Either way, until he gets a hold of himself, he's just trouble for you. No, there's no reason you can't hang out with his friends, maybe it will be embarressing, but stick up for yourself you ain't do nothing wrong, right? He's being a jerk right now, and it's not fair, so you should show him that you respect yourself and hang out with him and his friends anyway. Besides, he's more likely to change his mind if you're still around him, right? Also, your mom sounds kind, but this is a completely personal choice, and if you want to see him, you should see him.
    So I think that no, you shouldn't kill yourself, because you really have a lot going for you; you graduated college, you have a job, and your lovelife was pretty good. Breakups are awfull, but your life isn't over.
  3. Summer.Rain

    Summer.Rain Well-Known Member

    Hey girl, it sounds like your ex is very confused, and i do know how it feals like when close people leaving us.
    It sounds like hes very young, now im not very expirianced with life...
    but i do know biology, it may sound wierd but untill the age of about 20
    guys can get very confused about what thay feal, its all the hormons foult, and we all suffer from this.
    As far as i know, usally after such long relations, he will probbly go back to you after he will realise how hard it is without you as his GF.

    Only in case of a short relations, it is possible to forget each other.
    In long relations, even though sometimes people want a brake, usally thay alway go back together after a while.

    What i recommend is simply give him his brake, his free time, it can be hard
    but in such age, i bet hes very confused and scared of what is going on whith his fealings.
  4. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    Your ex wants you to be happy. In my eyes that would not be with him. If he is so willing to mind f**k you so to speak then he is not worth you time. I think you should listen to your mom and completely cut him off from yourself because all he's goign to do is continuously play games with you. He may have loved you at one time but it seems now he's so consumed with hanging with his pals that he doesn't really understand what love is. One minute he wants you, the next he doesnt. Sweetie you are better off without the constant reminder that he might not want you.

    Good luck hun
  5. but_not_today

    but_not_today Member

    Thanks for your kind words. I just don't know. I really love him and I know that he never loved me. We were together for two years and were best friends for a year before that. To know now that the person with whom all of my good memories from the past 3+ years are associated never loved me and in fact doesn't care if I'm alive just makes me want to be dead. If in the two years we were together he didn't love me, I don't think he ever will. And I don't want to move on, I don't want another boyfriend. I want things to be what they were, which they can't be, so my other option is to end everything. I scoped out a good location this afternoon on my lunch break. It will be peaceful and all of the tumult and pain will be gone for me. It's the only thing I can do for myself.
  6. Summer.Rain

    Summer.Rain Well-Known Member

    Girl! Think about it!
    If you guys had this relations for more then 2 years, it dose mean SOMETHING!
    2 years is a VERY LONG TIME, if he had no fealings towards you, it would end long before that...
    I think that he do loves you, but in the same time he want to expiriance new fealings in his life..
    I think that is why he done such thing...
    And i think that after a while, he will come back to you... im sure he will
  7. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hi But Not Today,
    I have thought this over and have come to the conclusion that he wants the best of both worlds. This is not fair to you. I would suggest that you end it for good.
    If he is playing you then he doesn't care anymore. You will get over him. A broken heart takes a little time. As far as his friends go I would end that also. You don't need any more hurt in your life. I know this hurts for you to read. I am only thinking of you. Please don't harm yourself, you will get over this. Just stay focussed on your work. Time heals all wounds...:chopper:...
  8. janie

    janie Well-Known Member

    just a side note:
    If your working (assuming 8-5.30) I think you can move out and be able to support yourself. maybe give that a go if its what you want- i know that living at home (for me anyway) in itself tends to make me unhappy.

    About your boyfriend, he is still in school. Again, for me, I would have to say I did not have the maturity to deal with a serious relationship when i was that age, let alone really comprehend "love" or distinguish it from a crush or physical attraction or just wanting a girlfriend. My first relationship with a girl made me realise that and taught me alot about relationships and finding the right person. So i think you two may have had different expectations/ideas about your relationship.

    Though after saying that it doesnt change the fact that its painful for you. I hope you dont let this end your life because taking a step back, it just doesnt seem worth ending your life for. And it may seem like ur stuck in a rut but you have a job, probably a college diploma and a family that probably care about you.
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