I just don't want to live anymore and I'm going crazy breaking down

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by raiinbowjunkiie, Oct 8, 2009.

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  1. raiinbowjunkiie

    raiinbowjunkiie Well-Known Member

    So the other night that I had all of those tears I realized they were actually linked to my period and it was PMS that was making me feel like I wanted to kill my self. That's happened before in the past year on several occasions where I completely fall apart in the days leading up to my period except I was afraid to acknowledge it because I thought people wouldn't take me seriously and label me as another stereotypical overly-emotional female with raging hormones. But you know what? The majority if normal depression is linked to a chemical/hormonal imbalance anyway. What makes a PMS imbalance any less serious than a serotonin imbalance if they both lead to suicidal ideations?
    But that's irrelevant now! In other news I am having some type of breakdown maybe a panic attack maybe manic depression even though I don't have it? Although it's happened to me a bit before in the past but not in a while I mean I had some episodes where something traumatic happened and I ended up becoming manic and had disorganized thinking and just fell on the floor and freaked out but anyway today in school something happened that triggered a bad memory and now I marrying the universe on a merry go round because I'm just riding this blast of white except even though it contains all of the colors in the rainbow a white prism can still be empty if there is no sun to make it expand into an spectrum of many hues so without a sun I'm just riding emptiness so I feel meaningless and low even though I'm so incredibly high. I want to just get high and do lots of drugs I thought that was a great idea earlier and then I wanted to have sex lots of sex and just do it and do it all night long or something like cutting or riding my bike down a really huge hill and then off of a cliff. I feel so reckless so reckless and it's not from being a teenager it's from feeling so AGED even though I'm only in my teen years. Tired of everything being so serious. Why so serious? Maybe I'll just pop some stuff from the wall of many Valerian and just take some Valerian to calm me down but really more than anything I just want to be the best color of all: black.
    Black is absence. It is the absence of all color.
    I want to be absence. I do not want to be here. It's all so meaningless I was in school a few days ago and this girl who didn't even know me threw me out of her way in the hallway and it's like "how can people be so cruel!!!" and I feel like if I didn't have this creative outlet to vent all of these feelings, if someone just locked me in a padded cell when I was like this, I could really lose my mind and never find it. People are so mean.
    A couple of hours ago I went riding on my bike for hours and miles thinking I could exercise off this panic attack in the way one would sleep off a hangover but then it made it harder to breathe so I got a pounding headache and almost threw up and the whole day I just felt so cold, not the fever kind where you feel cold on the inside but warm on the outside, like a piece of meat that hasn't cooked all the way through, no, I felt all the way cold. Like someone had taken a clammy egg and dripped it's yolk inside my stomach and down my back. I feel so cold and shaky and just bear with me it's just that I don'f really feel like myself right now I do not feel good I do not feel good I am having a breakdown and there is no one to help me there are so many people who have abandoned me and it's not even worth it because I used to think human life and people were the most gorgeous things ever and mankind was a masterpiece and my education is almost entirely who I am because it is my future, and I've always wanted this amazing carer in either law or medicine or mental health or neuroscience/neurosurgery or scientific research a) because I want to help people so badly and b) because I can, because I am the student with the smarts and the drive and the academic elitism blah blah fucking blah, but now I'm realizing how it's all so pointless, to pursue a career for a world so cruel and people that suck. A world where I will never benefit because I always go the extra ten miles to go out of my way for people and even though I never do it expecting anything in return, it does make me feel like shit when after a while I see that people are taking advantage of me and just don't appreciate me.
    It's all so meaningless I don't want to live anymore.
    Life has no meaning to the cosmos or to humanity, it is a useless passion. It is a disconnected string of futile efforts, a loaded gun never to be fired, a spoon that falls behind the counter and is forgotten.
    I do not believe in god or an afterlife. This has nothing to do with depression but everything to do with reason and rationality. I've been studying evolutionary psychology, neuroscience, genetics, and cognitive science, and humans are hardwired to need to believe in something larger than themselves. It is a survival tool with evolutionary advantages that is subject to natural selection. But it's not real! It's an illusion, a creation myth, a legendary deity. So then it all comes down to people to make it worth it. And if even humanism lacks substance because people are uncaring, it's meaningless. And there is some fun and freedom in that, the manipulation of meaningless, because it means you get to have a good time with fewer worries, but it's a reason to stay, not a reason to not go.
    To love and to lose is to have lost. To have never loved at all is also to have lost. Therefore, I am destined to die. But all of you, all men and women are destined to die. Thus, I am destined to always die. I will always feel as though I belong more in the land of the dead than the land of the living.
    You'd think that this nothingness would make me feel so free and inventive. The opposite of nothingness is creation and the creation of creation is the radical liberty that nothingness calls for. But like I said, it's a reason to stay, not a compelling reason to not go. These eyes that cry only have sight for depression. Mona Lisa Eyes that, like a compass needle drawn towards North, scour over the seven seas and seven wonders but always manage to come back and point to this path of despair and hysteria.
    I refuse to take medication. I will not mess with my brain. I completely respect someone else's right to, but I will not expose my brain to any chemical substances. It's too precious. People say that it needs to be treated like any part of the body. But you can never, ever compare a brain to an arm or leg, even a heart. The brain is the only truly unique and irreplaceable organ. When all cardiac and pulmonary functions are replaced, it is the vital signs of the brain that doctors measure to determine whether or not a patient is alive. The functioning of the brain is the medical definition of human life. We use it daily. If you lose your brain or if something happens it it, if there is a medication mishap or if it changes you, you lose the essence of your identity.
    God I'm seriously considering just ending it all.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 8, 2009
  2. Seano

    Seano Well-Known Member

    Shari, if your heart is still beating, then that is the most important thing. All the rest is just 'head-stuff' that the boffins like to tell you to make them seem more important, but your heart still beats, and that's what matters.

    Also, by the reference to the 'absence of colour' may I ask whether you might have read Duma Key by Stephen King? Very similar wisdoms you used to his in that book, which IMHO is a good good thing.
     
  3. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    :hug: Have you thought of studying philosophy? It's just a thought that crossed my mind while I was reading your post. I'm an artist and I love color. Color is light.
     
  4. raiinbowjunkiie

    raiinbowjunkiie Well-Known Member

    No I have read some books by him but not that one. I read books like Carrie and It but not that particular book.
    And I do appreciate you trying to help me, but I can't help but separate myself from my heart and my body and when I transcend all my biology and employ rigid logic, I see that life has no cosmic meaning.
    It's so hard for me not to.
     
  5. raiinbowjunkiie

    raiinbowjunkiie Well-Known Member

    Guys I'm so sorry I know you are all trying to help but I don't believe in God. God is fine for those who wish to believe, I totally respect that, whatever you find therapeutic. But for me, I just do not believe in faith, which was created by man in order to survive. The need to be religious or spiritual exists in the DNA and the cognitive functional structures that are subject to natural selection, and have survived through the ages. But this faith is incompatible with the truth, science. I can't force myself to believe in God because it won't make me feel better because I know it's not true. But even if it would make me feel better, I wouldn't convince myself to believe in this entity, this path to personal enlightenment entitled "God" because it is not true.
    It doesn't change everything else going on, anyway...
     
  6. Seano

    Seano Well-Known Member

    I assume that you understand the reasons why science MUST be falsifiable? That is the humble (thesedays seemingly historical) truth of science telling us that science is well aware that if does not know everything, in fact the old saying goes that the more we learn the more we realise what we don't know.

    As an atheist, would it be acceptible to define the term of 'god' as that part of the truth which we have no empirical evidence to prove one way or the other, ie. consider 'god' as the non-falsifiable side of science, and so whether there is some entity in the Universe commonly known as 'God' and many other names, or whether there is just random chance that contrived this planet, it makes little difference to science.
     
  7. raiinbowjunkiie

    raiinbowjunkiie Well-Known Member

    Oh I agree with you. Science is just as fallible and absurd as religion. Our small window of existence can't have possibly led us to believe that science is everything. Which means there is no meaning, period.
    Plus I just feel so shitty. Really really shitty. I've crashed now at this point. No more mania. Just not wanting to live anymore. People suck people have abandoned me taken advantage of me
     
  8. raiinbowjunkiie

    raiinbowjunkiie Well-Known Member

    Oh my god and I'm still so agitated I feel like taking so many pills lots of drugs and just numbing out, signing off, shutting down or just doing something so reckless like getting hurt and bleeding everywhere just everywhere man. For some reason I feel like fracturing a bone would feel so good the pain would cleanse me make me feel alive and not dead like I do now.
     
  9. raiinbowjunkiie

    raiinbowjunkiie Well-Known Member

    I always thought going my whole life thriving on helping people would be enough because selflessness is in my nature it's who i am but i have to be compensated with SOME happiness because I CANNOT go through my entire life feeling so FUCKING SHITTY and LOW
    man my head is pounding and I could just type forever and g completely crazy I could do that if I had no restraints and really lose it I don't know what's going on. I wanna jump out of my seat jump up and down jump out a window wherever your heart takes you jsut follow the yellow brick road
     
  10. Seano

    Seano Well-Known Member

    I am reading you Shari, but just in a little more pain than I expected this morning. Let me get some medicine from the beer fridge to soothe the pain and I will be more talkative in 30 minutes or so. Sorry to be so quiet right now. I'm not much help if I did try to reply, as yet.
     
  11. raiinbowjunkiie

    raiinbowjunkiie Well-Known Member

    Oh dude it's fine! It's completely fine because I'm not really typing to anyone. I'm talking to myself you guys just happen to be observing so take your time.
    Maybe I should make this a member's diary but i don't know how
    So dude don't even worry about it it's cool it's cool
    like your fridge! your fridge is cool.
     
  12. Seano

    Seano Well-Known Member

    This looks like my last day, and I'd like to finish off my life on a good note, doing whatever small things I can in the help of others. Thanks for keeping me company. It means a lot.
     
  13. raiinbowjunkiie

    raiinbowjunkiie Well-Known Member

    Wait wait no wait wait! Maybe we can fix this together? I don't want to hurt you...I don't want this to upset you. Don't go. Please don't go. It's so nice that you want to help but if you're nice enough to do that why do you have to die?
     
  14. Seano

    Seano Well-Known Member

    It's okay. I've put my life on the lottery draw tonight in just over 8 hours. All that's left until then is to pass the time and do what I can to keep myself occupied in the way I would have liked to go on, and keeping others company is about the only way it seems I can do any good for the rest of this otherwise sad day.
     
  15. raiinbowjunkiie

    raiinbowjunkiie Well-Known Member

    Wait it's never too late to back out. Just because you've set yourself on dying in 8 hours doesn't mean you still have to. Why do you want to kill yourself? What's wrong? I have no problem listening.
     
  16. Seano

    Seano Well-Known Member

    I do appreciate your concern Shari. In a nutshell, I can no longer afford to live another week amid the high-living costs of this country. If I win enough to survive another week, then I will buy another ticket and tough it out for seven more days, but if I don't, and I die from this disease during that week, they'll take my corpse to the morgue and I won't let them do those things to my flesh like they did to me while I was alive in 2008. I'm afraid that the only pre-emptive steps I can take are to basically burn myself at the stake so that only the bones are left. Please just cross your fingers on the numbers coming up and let us talk about these other things that we were just starting to make some interesting discussions about yesterday before I got side-tracked by the chatroom.
     
  17. raiinbowjunkiie

    raiinbowjunkiie Well-Known Member

    Oh no, burning sounds like the most horrible, painful way to die! Maybe you can move to another country, or go back to school and get another degree so you can get a better job? Do you have anyone you can talk to who can help you? Please don't do this. =(
    I cannot, cannot continue talking about myself when I know what you're planning.
     
  18. Seano

    Seano Well-Known Member

    My mistake was returning back here from the civilised country where I lived in 2005/2006. Now I can't afford the ticket out. Twice now, in 2007 and 2009, I've enrolled and been admitted to two different courses, but the government have forced me out because they won't pay me the student allowance which means no more study. Too ill to lift heavu things and dig trenches for my weekly wages now, so after three years and two days back here in 'the lucky country' that's it for me, unless I win enough money by the grace of God to give it another week.

    Not wanting to discuss methods further than that. I won't let those sodomites get near my flesh again. It's hopefully going to be fairly quick although the pain I expect to be the most intense 3 minutes of all.
     
  19. raiinbowjunkiie

    raiinbowjunkiie Well-Known Member

    What country are you from?
     
  20. Seano

    Seano Well-Known Member

    The one where my ancestors first settled in 1829 on this Swan River Colony. My great-great-great-great Grand Mother was the very first European child born in what became Perth, Western Australia, but she was a girl, and so Septimus Roe took the credit being the first boy born a few weeks later.

    I'm the eldest of the seventh generation. Maybe what those ancestors did to the local people at the time with their guns and their horses and their cannons is what this karma is all about. Fair's fair I guess.
     
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