So the other night that I had all of those tears I realized they were actually linked to my period and it was PMS that was making me feel like I wanted to kill my self. That's happened before in the past year on several occasions where I completely fall apart in the days leading up to my period except I was afraid to acknowledge it because I thought people wouldn't take me seriously and label me as another stereotypical overly-emotional female with raging hormones. But you know what? The majority if normal depression is linked to a chemical/hormonal imbalance anyway. What makes a PMS imbalance any less serious than a serotonin imbalance if they both lead to suicidal ideations? But that's irrelevant now! In other news I am having some type of breakdown maybe a panic attack maybe manic depression even though I don't have it? Although it's happened to me a bit before in the past but not in a while I mean I had some episodes where something traumatic happened and I ended up becoming manic and had disorganized thinking and just fell on the floor and freaked out but anyway today in school something happened that triggered a bad memory and now I marrying the universe on a merry go round because I'm just riding this blast of white except even though it contains all of the colors in the rainbow a white prism can still be empty if there is no sun to make it expand into an spectrum of many hues so without a sun I'm just riding emptiness so I feel meaningless and low even though I'm so incredibly high. I want to just get high and do lots of drugs I thought that was a great idea earlier and then I wanted to have sex lots of sex and just do it and do it all night long or something like cutting or riding my bike down a really huge hill and then off of a cliff. I feel so reckless so reckless and it's not from being a teenager it's from feeling so AGED even though I'm only in my teen years. Tired of everything being so serious. Why so serious? Maybe I'll just pop some stuff from the wall of many Valerian and just take some Valerian to calm me down but really more than anything I just want to be the best color of all: black. Black is absence. It is the absence of all color. I want to be absence. I do not want to be here. It's all so meaningless I was in school a few days ago and this girl who didn't even know me threw me out of her way in the hallway and it's like "how can people be so cruel!!!" and I feel like if I didn't have this creative outlet to vent all of these feelings, if someone just locked me in a padded cell when I was like this, I could really lose my mind and never find it. People are so mean. A couple of hours ago I went riding on my bike for hours and miles thinking I could exercise off this panic attack in the way one would sleep off a hangover but then it made it harder to breathe so I got a pounding headache and almost threw up and the whole day I just felt so cold, not the fever kind where you feel cold on the inside but warm on the outside, like a piece of meat that hasn't cooked all the way through, no, I felt all the way cold. Like someone had taken a clammy egg and dripped it's yolk inside my stomach and down my back. I feel so cold and shaky and just bear with me it's just that I don'f really feel like myself right now I do not feel good I do not feel good I am having a breakdown and there is no one to help me there are so many people who have abandoned me and it's not even worth it because I used to think human life and people were the most gorgeous things ever and mankind was a masterpiece and my education is almost entirely who I am because it is my future, and I've always wanted this amazing carer in either law or medicine or mental health or neuroscience/neurosurgery or scientific research a) because I want to help people so badly and b) because I can, because I am the student with the smarts and the drive and the academic elitism blah blah fucking blah, but now I'm realizing how it's all so pointless, to pursue a career for a world so cruel and people that suck. A world where I will never benefit because I always go the extra ten miles to go out of my way for people and even though I never do it expecting anything in return, it does make me feel like shit when after a while I see that people are taking advantage of me and just don't appreciate me. It's all so meaningless I don't want to live anymore. Life has no meaning to the cosmos or to humanity, it is a useless passion. It is a disconnected string of futile efforts, a loaded gun never to be fired, a spoon that falls behind the counter and is forgotten. I do not believe in god or an afterlife. This has nothing to do with depression but everything to do with reason and rationality. I've been studying evolutionary psychology, neuroscience, genetics, and cognitive science, and humans are hardwired to need to believe in something larger than themselves. It is a survival tool with evolutionary advantages that is subject to natural selection. But it's not real! It's an illusion, a creation myth, a legendary deity. So then it all comes down to people to make it worth it. And if even humanism lacks substance because people are uncaring, it's meaningless. And there is some fun and freedom in that, the manipulation of meaningless, because it means you get to have a good time with fewer worries, but it's a reason to stay, not a reason to not go. To love and to lose is to have lost. To have never loved at all is also to have lost. Therefore, I am destined to die. But all of you, all men and women are destined to die. Thus, I am destined to always die. I will always feel as though I belong more in the land of the dead than the land of the living. You'd think that this nothingness would make me feel so free and inventive. The opposite of nothingness is creation and the creation of creation is the radical liberty that nothingness calls for. But like I said, it's a reason to stay, not a compelling reason to not go. These eyes that cry only have sight for depression. Mona Lisa Eyes that, like a compass needle drawn towards North, scour over the seven seas and seven wonders but always manage to come back and point to this path of despair and hysteria. I refuse to take medication. I will not mess with my brain. I completely respect someone else's right to, but I will not expose my brain to any chemical substances. It's too precious. People say that it needs to be treated like any part of the body. But you can never, ever compare a brain to an arm or leg, even a heart. The brain is the only truly unique and irreplaceable organ. When all cardiac and pulmonary functions are replaced, it is the vital signs of the brain that doctors measure to determine whether or not a patient is alive. The functioning of the brain is the medical definition of human life. We use it daily. If you lose your brain or if something happens it it, if there is a medication mishap or if it changes you, you lose the essence of your identity. God I'm seriously considering just ending it all.