This is kind of my last option.. I can't really tell people I know whats really going on inside my head because they'd just put me away somewhere and shove pills down my throat and that just makes it worse.. I'm bipolar.. or so they say.. but have more depression than I do anything.. I thought I was doing really good.. no highs or lows.. just.. content.. I moved out of my parents home.. that made a whole world of difference.. less panic attacks.. my son and I were happier.. but.. today.. I came to realize no matter how hard I try and to hold on the more miserable I am.. I have a good life.. I'm living on my own with my son.. he's nine.. and amazing and smart and funny and everything a mother would want him to be.. I'm a nurse.. I work with kids.. and my job is very rewarding.. my boss is fantastic and reminds me almost daily how lucky they are to have me.. I have AMAZING friends.. and constant telling me how great I am and why they love me so much.. I can't say the same about family.. thats a strained subject.. but I have enough friends to cover that hole... I put on a good face.. but.. I feel empty.. and this isn't a my life isn't whole empty.. just a heavy empty if that makes any sense.. like.. things are great.. but.. I'm still so far down in my hole and buried with sadness I can't move.. I don't want to be alive anymore.. I'm kind of over this life.. and I can't do anything more.. and I'm just done.. I don't want to figure out another life plan.. I don't want to see people... and its even come to the point that I'm ok leaving my son.. he'd be well taken care of.. I'm not worried about that.. sure he will be sad.. but life goes on.. and people who pass away are forgotten.. and you know they are.. don't give me that crap about how I'd be missed.. sure.. for a month.. 2.. maybe a year.. but then.. forgotten.. and I've accepted that this would be ok.. the people I know will be sad for a short while.. then.. nothing.. I'm just sick of being sad for NO damn reason..