I just don't want to..

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by seekingserenity87, May 1, 2014.

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  1. seekingserenity87

    seekingserenity87 New Member

    This is kind of my last option.. I can't really tell people I know whats really going on inside my head because they'd just put me away somewhere and shove pills down my throat and that just makes it worse.. I'm bipolar.. or so they say.. but have more depression than I do anything.. I thought I was doing really good.. no highs or lows.. just.. content.. I moved out of my parents home.. that made a whole world of difference.. less panic attacks.. my son and I were happier.. but.. today.. I came to realize no matter how hard I try and to hold on the more miserable I am..

    I have a good life.. I'm living on my own with my son.. he's nine.. and amazing and smart and funny and everything a mother would want him to be.. I'm a nurse.. I work with kids.. and my job is very rewarding.. my boss is fantastic and reminds me almost daily how lucky they are to have me.. I have AMAZING friends.. and constant telling me how great I am and why they love me so much.. I can't say the same about family.. thats a strained subject.. but I have enough friends to cover that hole... I put on a good face.. but.. I feel empty.. and this isn't a my life isn't whole empty.. just a heavy empty if that makes any sense.. like.. things are great.. but.. I'm still so far down in my hole and buried with sadness I can't move..

    I don't want to be alive anymore.. I'm kind of over this life.. and I can't do anything more.. and I'm just done.. I don't want to figure out another life plan.. I don't want to see people... and its even come to the point that I'm ok leaving my son.. he'd be well taken care of.. I'm not worried about that.. sure he will be sad.. but life goes on.. and people who pass away are forgotten.. and you know they are.. don't give me that crap about how I'd be missed.. sure.. for a month.. 2.. maybe a year.. but then.. forgotten.. and I've accepted that this would be ok.. the people I know will be sad for a short while.. then.. nothing.. I'm just sick of being sad for NO damn reason..
  2. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am sorry you feel so sad - It does sound more depression than bi polar but may just be the way you manifest. In either case I am a little surprised that you as a nurse are adverse to taking meds to ease the depression and sadness. People take meds for every medical problem in the world from bloodpressure or cholesterol to cough syrup- to aspirin and many are liflong drugs ( If i stopped taking my blood pressure meds or blood thinners I would certainly have heart attack or stroke as an example of drugs take forever to enjoy reasonable quality of life). The complaint is sometimes about side effects but with management they can typically find something with tolerable side effects and I know of no side effect worse than dying and that is what you are considering so the side effect of refusing meds is also pretty substantial. I would also disagree about 9 year old sad for a year and get over it - losing a parent at that age is certainly a life long consequence.

    I hope you are able to find some way to control the sadness that seems so strong in you.

    Take Care and Be Safe

    - Ben
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    It is not crap ok your son will not be ok without you here and people do not forget i will never forget and the pain is a real as the day he left You are not in reality if you believe that people just move on we don't

    No one will take care of your son as well as you can A mothers love is so much different then any others

    Do something ok to get yourself out of the darkness you are in dont pass it on to your son show your son that there are other options to heal and that suicide is not one them you teach him that by getting all supports and medical help therapy to get yourself whole again
  4. rosi

    rosi Member

    Im sorry you feel this way. You seems like you have a clinical depression. Please give a try to a doctor. I hope you feel well soon.
  5. Chris516

    Chris516 Member

    I know how you feel(sort of). I will be 47 in three days. I have had two congenital health problems, that all the brain operations before I was 10yrs.-old, caused a third. I barely graduated from high school, and dropped out of college twice, along with one tech school. I also failed at an online tech course. I lost my home and my kids. I had to quit my job due to stress and haven't worked since, going disability. Both, My (ex)wife and my (ex)fiance lied to me, and about me.

    The only thing I am better than anyone else in my family at, is riding a bike. Because I can ride my non-motorized racing bike 25-30mph on a good road. But, My bike won't get me companionship, or a woman accepting my health problems.

    The only person that really understands me, even better than my own family. Is a 21yr-old woman, I have been tutoring online. So she can graduate high school. She has the same three medical problems I do, along with a similar 'educational experience'.(Yes, I know. It sounds convenient. But she is genuine). She is also having to learn braille. Because her sight is gradually disappearing.

    I doubt anyone will ever understand, care about and appreciate me like she does, ever again.

    Family members say they care, but they don't know what my life is like.
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