I just feel so bad right now...

I'm a 14-year-old girl who just had a suicide attempt on thursday evening. And since that happened, my whole life went from relatively bad to total crap. My parents want me to feel worse than ever. My brother wants me to tell him that it's not the family that drove me to do this crap (he is 15 and I have only seen him cry 3 times since he's not a little kid anymore: when our little 3-year-old cousin died (his birthsday was the same day as my brother's), when my dad yelled at him for no real reason about a year or so ago, and my boyfriend told me that he had cried in hospital when he found out I tried to kill myself). My mum says that I won't be able to have an internship I've been looking forward to for almost half a year now because I will have to see a therapist once a week and that internship is at the university and I would stay there.... And my boyfriend won't kinda help me because the only thing he says is that my parents will have to calm down, but I know that they will not calm down at all, because they never did. And I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, I just bow.... The psychologist at the hospital that I had to talk to just said that I'm the typical victim because I'm always kind and friendly to everyone and that I need a female in my family who has an own head and doesn't do whatever a male tells her to (my mum doesn't have an own oppinion, she always does what my dad says and she always agrees with him, even if she said the opposite before). I hate people.

 

Some of my so-called friends (no one realized that I was not at school for a week........ Just one of them did, but I had told him about my attempt when I was still at home, and he was actually the reason why I NEEDED to get out of that goddamn hospital, because I know that he is kinda suicidal as well, and I was affraid that he might think I'm dead because I didn't have internet or anything in that hospital) say that I'm too smart and that I think too much to be happy. Could be, could be, really. I hate humankind, because we humans always think that we are the chosen ones to change the world the way we want it to be, that we are the ones responsible for saying what is good for animals, that we are the ones to save this planet, but in fact we only destroy it more and more the longer we try to save it. That is one of my problems. But of course, there are more personal problems as well, like I'm the class-victim. Let's say not only my class but the whole grade has found that I'm easy to hurt. I don't defend myself, I can't. I'm always friendly to everyone, so that no one can hate me... But I was told that this is the worst mistake one can do..... There are people that i just can't stand, but I will always end up talking to them and meeting them up and waiting for them after school, so they think I'm a good friend of theirs' but actually I can't stand them :'D one of these people is the new girlfriend of my ex. Actually I hate her for being his girl (I feel abandoned, because he left me because "he couldn't feel anything" (he meant it.) but not even a week later he was with her, and he stopped cutting himself for her and quit smoking and she's in his class and I'm so goddamn jealous..... Even now that I'm with my boyfriend for more than 10 months (I was with that guy for two months, then needed like four months to get myself to stop crying, and then I was with my boyfriend, but I still kinda want that jerk back......... I'm strange, I know xD)) but I'm freiendly and she thinks I like her......