i just feel so overwhelmed

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by ThornThatNeverHeals, Sep 8, 2012.

  1. ThornThatNeverHeals

    ThornThatNeverHeals Well-Known Member

    So i started school this week on Tuesday. it went okay, i had a little bit of homework, not bad. I had a doc appointment afterwards that resulted in alot of long testing. It was a long day. I couldnt sleep that night feeling ill in the stomach and lonely and having chest pains, when i finally fell asleep i kept jerking awake from bad dreams.

    fought with my brother wed morning. I went to school feeling very suicidal but didnt feel like i could tell anyone, because i didnt know why i was feeling that way. I got to lunch and went to talk with the person i usually talk to, it was very nice.... i got through the rest of my classes, and with only a bit of homework. I got home and took care of homework, then had to txt therapist to try to convince her im okay... next i had to go to a "goodbye" dinner for my brother. i have a hard time socialising, especially with my brothers crowd. i got home and was hoping it would get better but had a very bad night. I went to my room layed on the floor and cried.... i dont know exnactly how long i cried, but it must have been at least a couple hours. my mom heard me or something, and came in and realised how bad it was. She made my bed and layed me down, gave me meds to go to sleep and sang me to sleep.... i think thats the first time in a few weeks i have felt happy... content...


    On thurs i woke up, again feeling suicidal and expecting my brother to leave that day. he did not. i had a bad day all around at school, and was not able to talk to the person i talk to usually, feeling like a clumsy idiot trying to figure that out. I felt so alone, and so stupid. It just magnified my self hatred. i struggled through the day and got home and did my load of homework. i felt ill again and dad tried a few things to make me feel better, but none worked. finally just gave up amd went to bed. i slept very little again, even though mom had me on stuff to make me sleep again.

    today.... or yesterday now i guess i got up and said goodbye to my dad.i went to school feeling very apprehensive... i got to talk to the person i talk to... well not talk, i sat in her room feeling like an idiot and in the way... i honestly wished she would have kicked me out, because then it would have made more sense. i would have known that im not wanted. i got through the rest of my classes feeling very depressed and racking up a ton of homework. I have a project with a fake baby that is supposed to simulate a real one. Ive struggled with it, for i have a fear of small children, and crying babies. i dont want kids. i dont want to pass down this nastiness that has gone too many generations already. My brother is still packing to leave, early in the morning, in only a few hours.... mom is stressed and upset... for the favorite child is going away... i just dont know how to feel about it all.

    the baby has finally fell asleep and i guess i should now, but i just cant sleep. I feel so depressed, so useless, so horrid.... im really suicidal and dont know what to do about it. I hoped that by taking leave off of here id take myself away from people so that i could put me first and have more time with my family. I think i just had too much time to realise how i feel and realise how alone i really am. I have an apt. with my therapist next week, but i dont want to go. i know i should, that its probs best, but i just dont want to. I dont know what to do anymore, i can only hope that im too exausted to dream tonight, to sleep, for my mind is so overwhelmed and confused and i just dont know what to do to calm it, empty it, and get these strong suicidal feelings out of my head... im silently screaming help me.... but its like a mute button where no words come out...
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Oh Thorny...with all the adjustments that are happening, the start of school and your brother leaving, it could be rattling you...please go to your therapist and tell him/her that you did not want to go and why...maybe s/he needs to know how to work with you better...sounds like your mom an dad do care...I know what it is like to be the less favored child, although I could not have done more in my family, and it hurts...wishing you better times and I am glad you expressed how you felt here...fondly