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I just had a difficult conversation- did I do the right thing?

emily91

Well-Known Member
#1
a while ago I posted on here that their's this this person who likes sending me things (from america all the way to the UK), and today he emailed me telling me that he wants my home address, because he wants to surprise me by sending me an ornament to go with the one he sent me last month.

he told me that he couldn't wait to get my actual address, because then as soon as he sees something I'd like (regardless of what it is), he could send it over- and he told me that he didn't want to send via the post office because it's too stressfull for him.

I told him that I don't feel comfortable with sharing my address with him (or inbdeed anyone online), and if the post office is too stressfull, then you don't have to send me anything- the ornament you sent me last month is fine

I also added that it's not practical to send every single card, every single thing he finds from florida to the UK- it costs him money, it takes about a week for me to get it (as it has to go through like 4 diffrent post stops), and our friendship is based on email updates and sharing cool forwards. we both don't need the stress of maybe hundreds of packages a month coming to the post office.

but I am wondering if maybe I've said too much. I know, from past experience, if I don't reply to his emails he'll send me 50 more until I do reply- the fact that he can't have my address may jst push him over the edge (personally I don't see why, but you never know)

what are everyone's thoughts on this
 

Angie

Fiber Artist
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#3
If it makes you feel uncomfortable, then by all means listen to your gut and don't give your info.

And if he is trying to manipulate you into giving this, there is something wrong.

So I think you did the right thing.

God bless
 

LOSTINSIGHT

Well-Known Member
#5
Sounds to me like the sender is getting much more out of the interaction of sending gifts .
maybe he can send the money to nominated charities of your choice but maybe you want out of the situation totally ? .
As long as you treat others with total respect ,,you cant be held for others reactions and decisions if he feels rejected .
Peace.
 

Aurelia

Over a low sun, undo the undone.
#6
no.

I can barely aford my weekly grocery shop

shipping to florida is out the question
Granted, that may be a big reason why he wants to send you stuff so badly all the time, if he knows your difficult financial situation. But the whole email thing you mentioned, that he'll send like 50 more if you don't' respond is a bit creepy. So yes, I would be cautious in this situation too.

You know what, actually, tell him that if he wants to help you out that badly, he can send money via Paypal instead of you having to give him your home address. See what he says then.
 
#7
I don't think you've done anything wrong. He should respect your wishes. On first glance it does strike me as odd that he'd send lots of emails if you dont reply to one, but it depends on what they consist of I guess. Generally I'd say that's a bit clingy/intense/impatient... but if he does it cause he's genuinely concerned if you're ok for example then I'd say that's nice. If it's in a demanding type way, like a "where are you pay attention to me right now" that's not good. It's nice he's being so generous but he can't guilt-trip you into giving your address if you don't feel comfortable. Do you think he'd take it personally and be offended? If so, just reassure him that it's nothing personal, you wouldn't give anyone your address not just him, and hopefully that should reassure him if it's an insecurity thing. If not, it's too intrusive in my opinion... people need to respect your comfort levels and the most important thing is that you feel happy, not that someone pressures you to do what they want. I used to have an online friend who was somewhat similar. He wanted to send me stuff in the post and although we both live in the UK I wasn't comfortable giving him my address so I politely declined but he kept bugging me and I think he took it personally. I explained at the time I didn't feel comfortable giving it to anyone, not just him, but he still didn't understand or give up so I got kinda fed up with it though I appreciated the generosity. He gave up eventually and accepted it
 

Rockclimbinggirl

SF climber
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#8
I don't think you did anything wrong. To me this doesn't sound like a healthy friendship. Respecting each others boundaries is important.
 
#9
I think you're right not to give him your home address. If he wants to send you things, there's already a way he can do that through the post office.

I know, from past experience, if I don't reply to his emails he'll send me 50 more until I do reply- the fact that he can't have my address may jst push him over the edge (personally I don't see why, but you never know)
If you're worried about him going over the edge, that's all the more reason not to give him your home address.
 

Ash600

Of dust and shadows
SF Creative
SF Supporter
#10
I don't believe you've said to much. You've laid down the boundaries which he should respect. The impression I get is that he seems to be getting a bit too intense in this relationship, to the point he's developing a fixation.
By drawing the lines, you've done the right thing and he needs to understand to back off if he values your friendship and wishes for it to continue.
 

Auri

🎸🎼Metal Star🎼🎸
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#11
The 50 emails when you don't respond are definitely alarming, I personally wouldn't even bother anymore. Sending gifts if he doesn't expect anything in return is in essence OKAY, but from my experience and observation, it often comes with loads of "unsaid" expectations - which can result in emotional blackmail, manipulation into doing other things, etc. But I also have a personal aversion to gift giving, so...

I think respecting the other's boundaries is foundational in a friendship, so you don't have to give him anything at all.
His reaction to your refusal means much more than his actual wish to send you stuff to your house.

As someone else suggested, if he wants to help you financially, give him your Paypal and see what he says. Actually money is probably much more useful than ornaments in such a situation...

Stay safe, and take care.
 

KM76710

Kangaroo Manager
SF Pro
SF Supporter
#13
Nothing wrong with what you did. Listen to your gut and common sense. I am another that 50 e-mails bit being a bit out there.
 

Nick

☆☆Admin-tastic ☆☆
Admin
SF Social Media
SF Artist
SF Supporter
#14
I agree with what others have said here, and if you aren't comfortable giving him your address than don't. There shouldn't be any expectation you share that information. If he wants to send gifts he has a way to do that. I wouldn't pressure anyone to give me their address. If they would like to receive something from me and have an alternate way they would like to do that, I am more than happy to send things wherever they prefer.

His persistence is a bit concerning. Though if he enjoys sending gifts. I do have to say that I enjoy giving people gifts. I have a budget that limits my ability to do that, but I like giving things to my friends. If I send my friend a gift I truly expect nothing in return. I have sent a friend of mine random gifts. He has done the same for me, but by no means was it or is it expected as a part of our friendship. He may just enjoy giving things, but if it makes you uncomfortable talk to him about it.
 

A_J_R

Well-Known Member
#15
Something like this happened to me recently. I made friends with someone online... a very nice guy. Divorced, a little older than I am. We have a lot of similar interests and started sharing links to music. Then he started lightly flirting. It was nice at first but then it got a little more aggressive, even though I never responded to the flirt messages. Finally, he bought me a gift. I told him I couldn't accept the gift, nor did I want him complimenting me anymore. He felt so horrible about it, meaning, he was worried I thought he was a creep. He's not. We're friendly now still. It was hard because deep down, I liked the flirting, but I was never going to reciprocate so I had to put my foot down.

Strangely, afterwards I think he felt relieved and now our friendship is really nice. He and I share a lot of things, including losing parents we were very close too. I think he was mistaking that sort of bonding for something else. Now he seems pretty content to just be my friend.

So, I'm saying, if you feel uncomfortable, definitely say something. Your friend seems more aggressive, so it might not end the way my situation did, but either way, it was right to let them know!
 

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