I just have to go.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Sycotic_Sarah, Apr 3, 2007.

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  1. I just have to, I can't stop crying, I can't stop feeling like this, only one thing can break this pain, this torture, this torn apart heart.

    :cry:

    I love you all.

    :hug:

    Bye. :cry:
     
  2. Diseased88

    Diseased88 Active Member

    your avatar is lying to me then...









    please dont kill yourself. Whatever is causing all this pain should be eliminated. I wont pretend to know what happens when you die, but i do know that noone has ever come back. And while its true everyone has to die, you shouldnt let whatever is causing you to feel this way to win.


    i dont know you, and this will sound kinda corny, but you have to fight what your feeling for your life. please dont kill yourself
     
  3. Yes, well, I have been under moderation for quite a time now, and alot has changed between that time, so I haven't been able to change it.

    & I don't want to kill myself, I need too.
     
  4. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    No Sarah, you don't need to harm yourself in anyway. Needs are something that are necessary for survival. Since killing yourself is obviously not surviving, it is not a need. Yes things have changed since you have been under moderation fo so long, but that does not mean give up. You have people here that care about you. Care for yourself now. :hug:
     
  5. For seven odd years now, I have had to survive through harming myself, it is a need and it is a surviving technique, harming myself, whether that be self injury, or overdosing, possibly substance abuse, whatever way to keep me going, I need. Since that has become an addiction for me, I can't just not do it just because it hurts me, harming myself is the only way I can survive, whether it kills me or not, it is the only way I can survive, and I know that if it kills me, obviously I did not survive, which makes it a want, not a need, but I don't want to die, I need too, I never asked for any of this, I really didn't, when I was a little girl, say about three, I dreamt of being a nurse, I dreamt of having a happy life, a happy family, full of joy and success, instead, I recieve a bunch of problems, abuse in the past, a destroyed family, a distraught view on myself and other people, a broken heart and a failure of myself in all things I try to do.

    The only thing I would be good at in this life is ending it, that is a fact.

    For those that yet do not know what is going on, allow me to explain in a detailed manner, seeing as a short explaination wouldn't fit this situation.

    I had this friend, we turned into lovers, we dated for three months, inbetween that time, we both were suicidal, had eating issues, selfharm difficulties, I was paranoid, beyond explainable, which probably caused him a problem to deal with me in a polite way. One morning, I lost it, I become so paranoid he said it's over, that day I cried for hours, I cut, I drank and I starved for a few days. I hurt like hell. I thought he was the one. I really did.

    These lyrics explain quite a bit of how I feel;

    Seems like just yesterday,
    you were apart of me
    I used to stand so tall,
    I used to be so strong,
    your arms around me tight,
    everything, it felt so right,
    unbreakable, like nothing could go wrong.
    now I can't breath,
    no, I can't sleep,
    I'm barely hanging on...

    Here I am,
    once again,
    I'm torn into pieces,
    can't deny it,
    can't pretend,
    just thought you were the one,
    broken up,
    deep inside,
    but you won't get to see the tears I cry,
    behind these hazel eyes.

    I told you everything,
    I opened up and let you in,
    you make me feel alright for once in my life,
    now all that's left of me
    is what I pretend to be,
    so together but so broken up inside,
    'cause I can't breath,
    no, I can't sleep,
    I'm barely hanging on...

    Here I am,
    once again,
    I'm torn into pieces,
    can't deny it,
    can't pretend,
    just thought you were the one,
    broken up,
    deep inside,
    but you won't get to see the tears I cry,
    behind these hazel eyes.

    Kelly Clarkson - Behind these hazel eyes (btw).

    Most of her songs explain how I feel right now. I have a whole CD of her music, breakaway her album is called, all them songs, well, most of them, explain how I feel, how I felt... :cry: Bleugh.

    But anyway. He keeps saying he loves me, he hates me, he doesn't love me, he cares too much to let me go, I don't know, he's confusing me and fucking with my head quite a bit. I know I hurt him, I know I did, but he doesn't have to hurt me back, I hurt too much already, just him leaving me destroyed me, just that alone... and now I have all his suck up asshole licking 'friends' manipulating him into hating me, which is what they've tried to do before, and I'm not sure if he is falling for it, I really ain't.

    I just want him back, I still love him, and no, I won't get over him, he's different compared to all my other relationships, he's left a space in my heart, a whole, a very wide, deep hole which won't ever heal, he will always be with me now, he will be in my dreams, my thoughts and my feelings of love and care will be dedicated to him only, because I truly love him, it isn't lust, it's love, I know it is because this feeling, it's unexplainable... :(

    I just guess, he doesn't feel the same, or he does and he is afraid to face it, because it's with me! :cry:

    I just, just want to die, curl up in a ball and fade away from this, just, :cry:, just to be gone... I can't take this torn apart heart anymore, it's too much, I cry everyday, I think of suicide all the time, I've lost interest in all things I used to love doing, I cut almost everyday, I harm myself in someway everyday, I sleep too much or too little, I've lost my appetite, I feel lonely and hurt and I feel like I'm dying slowly... all since he left, of course, some of these were here even with him and me together, but it felt less painful, and more capable of handling, with him, I could live, I felt like I had a meaning, I loved him and it was the greatest thing I had in such a long time, now it's gone and I feel worse than ever before... :cry:

    Sorry for the long lecture, I must go now. :(
     
  6. Diseased88

    Diseased88 Active Member

    at first you say you dont want to die, you need to, then you finish up with you just want to die. That doesnt make sense. I think, that you dont want to die, but that death is the only escape you can see. I can't stop you from killing yourself, all i can say is that there are other options. First off, drop your friends and that guy, they are bringing you down even farther.

    I know its hard to stop, but you have to try to stop cutting. thats not helping either. I know that your gunna say you need to or whatever, but your cutting yourself and doing all this crap cuz it makes you feel better. You have a desire to get better, but your simply going about it the wrong way.

    Drop the fake friends and the guy, stop cutting/drinking and starving yourself. Now, examine your life and see what makes you want to do these things. Instead of defensively coping with self destructive means, attack the feelings that recquire coping. Eliminate what makes you want to die.

    but please dont kill yourself, its just not worth it
     
  7. Yeah, I'm just the girl who contradicts herself, who harms herself just because, who drinks just because, who wants to die one minute and doesnt the next, who is heartbroken, who is abused day in and day out, who is depressed and suicidal 'just because'.

    That's me alright.

    Just stop, you say all that I'm doing to myself is just 'crap', well it's not, it's something I've become attatched too and that I am addicted to, in order to survive, I do these things, if it weren't for selfharm, actually, I'd be dead long ago.

    Now, I am going to remain alive for a few more days, and if no further improvements occur, I am going to end my life seeing as a few days is all I need to convince myself that my life is at a dead end, no matter how hard I try, I won't succeed in this joke of a thing called life, for me.

    I'm sorry if I seem like an attention/sympathy seeker, but I'm not, this is what I feel, what I think, what I do almost all day/everyday, this is me, don't like it? Don't respond to this then. I'm fine with that. But this is me, if you can't handle it, don't get involved and leave it to me.

    After all, it's something you can just 'get over with' in a space of seconds. *rolls eyes* Not. >.<
     
  8. Deathly Strike

    Deathly Strike Well-Known Member

    The thing is you're not any of them.

    Waste of space? No.
    Waste of time? No.
    Hated? No.
    Loved? Yes.

    Hun, there's NO need to feel like this. You might feel like crap now but you'll be better in a while and that's not contradiction. That's nature taking place. It's only natural for the human mind to change decision so quickly so please, babe, don't feel like you're being labelled as contradictive because you're not. Just make us a promise, eh, and stay wish us?

    :hug:
     
  9. :cry:

    Thankyou Echonomix, but I disagree.

    *sigh*

    He's at it again. He said he loves me. He said he was sorry. He said alot... just not what I wanted to hear... I wanted to hear 'please can we get back together', I guess not. I think he is thinking. I am thinking too. I am thinking about killing myself. All I am thinking of.

    *sigh*

    Time to die yet?
     
  10. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    True. You are none of those bad things. We do care. Please know that. Stay with us hun. :hug:
     
  11. Carolyn! :cry:

    Grr...

    Know one thing? Well, many things?

    Why do I have to be so;

    1. Hurt
    2. Heartbroken
    3. Torn apart
    4. Ugly
    5. Fat
    6. Suicidal
    7. Depressed
    8. Hurt
    9. Loserfied
    10. Idiotic
    11. Angry
    12. Upset
    13. Paranoid
    14. Obsessed with stupid little things
    15. A COMPLETE TWAT!!!!!

    gr... :cry:
     
  12. Know what? NO WONDER HE DOESN'T LOVE ME BECAUSE OF ALL THEM THINGS I SAID IN MY PREVIOUS POST!! :cry:
     
  13. systamatics

    systamatics Active Member

    sick life
     
  14. Deathly Strike

    Deathly Strike Well-Known Member

    Sarah, to us you're none of those things babe.

    To us you're sweet, caring, considerate, modest and generally an awesome person to know. I can't really say a lot being new but I've been looking around and you're a respected member. Don't do this to yourself, chick. If he doesn't love you, then it's his loss. No matter what there will always be someone else at there to love you. They might not be there. They might not be here. But someone, somewhere, is pining for what you're pining. And one day you're gonna meet them and they're gonna love you and cherish you for the rest of your days. He's going to love you for you, and those points above - even if they're not true - will be chucked aside.

    You're not a twat. You're not idiotic. You're not ugly. You're only human, and its because of that that we love you. Hang in there, chick. :hug:
     
  15. You haven't seen me.

    I have a crimson chin, disgusting lips, awful face, horrid eyebrows, a spoon forehead, a pointy BIG nose & only thing I like are my eyes, but even that im going off now.

    I just want to die right now.

    Just die & leave forever & everyone will be happy.
     
  16. Deathly Strike

    Deathly Strike Well-Known Member

    Hun, even if that were true - which I highly doubt it is - then it doesn't matter. Looks ain't everything and I have the living proof of that. Hell, I am the living proof. I'm butt ugly and yet I have one amazing girl who I think is greatly interested in me which goes to prove that personality wins over anything else. I haven't known you long enough to make a judgement on your personality, but from what I've seen you seem nice and caring.

    Don't let yourself get you down, hun.

    :hug:
     
  17. Nice?

    Caring?

    Hah, don't lie...

    I'm a pathetic, stupid, evil, mistaken little 'girl'. >.<
     
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