I just have to say this to someone

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by needles, Sep 11, 2015.

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  1. needles

    needles New Member

    Hey everybody,
    I kind of feel very ashamed about my self injuring. I can't really remember when it started but when I was younger I used to punch things until my hands hurt a lot.
    I feel ashamed because most of my self injuries used to come from bouts of angst when I was feeling depressed, almost always because of my romantic life.
    The first time I cut was when my first gf cheated on me, when I was 16 or something. It's been three years since my first cut. You see, I really liked her since our... 4th or 6th grade, and I finally found some courage to ask her out in high school. We stayed together for a few months and it was so... happy. Then I discovered she was cheating on me with my cousin, which always got quite a lot more attention from the girls than me and being compared to him was always a kind of a trigger to me.
    That was my first cut, and my first suicide attempt. It was more of a spur of the moment thing, I tried to drown myself in the pool my sister used to have (Those plastic pools, you know? I don't know how common they are outside of Brazil). My parents found me, and they still believe I hit my head on the railing and passed out.
    It took quite a long time to recover, then I entered another relationship. I didn't notice it then, because I was head over heels for the girl, but it was quite abusive. She took me away from friends, family, blamed me for everything bad that happened with her, and I felt... well, like sh*t. After one year or something of this, with some slight cutting periods in between, I found out she was cheating on me with one of her teachers. Yeah, you see, life kind of sucks.
    One of my best friends backed me up, kept me from having suicidal thoughts. We got together after a while, kind of a natural development. She was wonderful to me, for almost two years, until now.
    I just had ONE self injury crisis during it, when I was fired from my job (I used to teach) because one of my female student's mother said I was abusing her, just because I bought (to all students, like I always did, for more than 1 year and to more than 20 classes) pizza, to celebrate the end of the semester. The school decided it was better to fire me than to risk losing students.
    One month ago, she moved from were we lived to the capital, because of college. She came back to visit me last weekend, and it was great... Then she goes back and 12 hours after saying that she'd love me forever, she says that she wants to break up because she thinks she might be falling in love with a friend of hers. I was going to propose to her in this Christmas.
    Been two days now, and I had the worst crisis of my life. I cut again, lots of times. One of the cuts was pretty deep (It hasn't formed scab even now), and I almost passed out from bloodloss, but I just couldn't stop cutting. Tried to suicide yesterday...I passed out for one hour or so. Cut again today, and I don't even feel the pain or the stings of water on the cuts anymore. It takes more and more cuts to make me stop feeling like sh*t, and it comes back hellishly quickly. To help matters, my parents are divorcing, and when my father is angry, he blames me for the end of their relationship.
    It's been hard to keep going and to find a reason to get up everyday. I've been abusing alcohol and tobacco since she broke up with me. Haven't slept more than 8 hours in those two nights, and still haven't eaten anything.
    Feel like killing myself now, hopefully saying this to someone will help stave the feeling away for a while.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 11, 2015
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am very sorry you are hurting so badly no wand hope you keep talking to us. You really should re-read your post and notice all your issues and crisis surround issues with relationships - keeping that in mind - very clearly in mind-0 might help you change the focus from hurting and causing harm to yourself to some real self analysis of what is going on with you in relationships and how it is different from what a relationship is meant to be and the positive feelings one should have left even if a relationship ends...

    Take Care and Be Safe

    - Ben
     
  3. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi, Needles. Seems to be a very emotional situation. I'm sorry she's hurt you so badly. Because it's an emotional time, it's not a good time to make decisions. Emotions really mess up how clearly we're able to think. They cloud our better judgment.

    First things first - you are a valuable person and you deserve to be in a relationship with someone who loves you as much as you love her. If this girl isn't treating you right (e.g., going back and forth on having a relationship is tough on the partner), of course it's very hurtful for you. You deserve stability, caring, and love.

    Your father's blaming you for your parents' divorce is just his own turmoil and he's taking it out on you. Seriously, their marriage/divorce (relationship) and their decisions are not on you. They are adults and it's "their" relationship. He might say things like that because he's upset - but he's just transferring the anger/upset he feels onto you. Please don't take on his comments as being true.

    I saw on your profile that you're 19 years old. Please forgive me if this sounds like I'm brushing you off because you're "young" - I'm not. I will try to give you an older person's perspective, and I still respect how you're feeling.

    I'm 57. I remember being 19...being a young adult. But eventually, I reached 25, and 19 seemed a long time ago by then. And when I was 30, 25 seemed to be a long time ago, too - and young. And at 40, I wondered what the big fuss about 30 was. And 50? And so on..Because you are a young adult, there's lots of time for your relationship to work out, or maybe not work. We can't tell. It will take some time and some thinking from you and from her. If this relationship works out, great. If it doesn't, being a young adult gives you loads of opportunities to meet someone out of the 7 billion or so other people on Earth.

    I'm not saying you don't hurt. I know you do. You don't have to act on your feelings, though. Do your best to just ride them out. They will settle down on their own over time. When we are really emotional, our brains don't work as well as when we've calmed down. The height of emotions is not a wise time to make big decisions about life, death, self-harm, love...Give yourself some time to regroup and settle your feelings. If nothing else, you will at least be thinking more clearly about things because emotions won't be messing with your head.

    Thinking of you and wishing you all the best. Stay safe, 'K? *hug*
     
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