Hey everybody, I kind of feel very ashamed about my self injuring. I can't really remember when it started but when I was younger I used to punch things until my hands hurt a lot. I feel ashamed because most of my self injuries used to come from bouts of angst when I was feeling depressed, almost always because of my romantic life. The first time I cut was when my first gf cheated on me, when I was 16 or something. It's been three years since my first cut. You see, I really liked her since our... 4th or 6th grade, and I finally found some courage to ask her out in high school. We stayed together for a few months and it was so... happy. Then I discovered she was cheating on me with my cousin, which always got quite a lot more attention from the girls than me and being compared to him was always a kind of a trigger to me. That was my first cut, and my first suicide attempt. It was more of a spur of the moment thing, I tried to drown myself in the pool my sister used to have (Those plastic pools, you know? I don't know how common they are outside of Brazil). My parents found me, and they still believe I hit my head on the railing and passed out. It took quite a long time to recover, then I entered another relationship. I didn't notice it then, because I was head over heels for the girl, but it was quite abusive. She took me away from friends, family, blamed me for everything bad that happened with her, and I felt... well, like sh*t. After one year or something of this, with some slight cutting periods in between, I found out she was cheating on me with one of her teachers. Yeah, you see, life kind of sucks. One of my best friends backed me up, kept me from having suicidal thoughts. We got together after a while, kind of a natural development. She was wonderful to me, for almost two years, until now. I just had ONE self injury crisis during it, when I was fired from my job (I used to teach) because one of my female student's mother said I was abusing her, just because I bought (to all students, like I always did, for more than 1 year and to more than 20 classes) pizza, to celebrate the end of the semester. The school decided it was better to fire me than to risk losing students. One month ago, she moved from were we lived to the capital, because of college. She came back to visit me last weekend, and it was great... Then she goes back and 12 hours after saying that she'd love me forever, she says that she wants to break up because she thinks she might be falling in love with a friend of hers. I was going to propose to her in this Christmas. Been two days now, and I had the worst crisis of my life. I cut again, lots of times. One of the cuts was pretty deep (It hasn't formed scab even now), and I almost passed out from bloodloss, but I just couldn't stop cutting. Tried to suicide yesterday...I passed out for one hour or so. Cut again today, and I don't even feel the pain or the stings of water on the cuts anymore. It takes more and more cuts to make me stop feeling like sh*t, and it comes back hellishly quickly. To help matters, my parents are divorcing, and when my father is angry, he blames me for the end of their relationship. It's been hard to keep going and to find a reason to get up everyday. I've been abusing alcohol and tobacco since she broke up with me. Haven't slept more than 8 hours in those two nights, and still haven't eaten anything. Feel like killing myself now, hopefully saying this to someone will help stave the feeling away for a while.