Things are just a mess at the moment.. well not the moment, for quite a while.. since I got outta hospital really.. Im just falling apart.. I'm up all night, struggling to sleep so much, I'm cutting so much, I keep overdosing on my medication, Im dissociating more then ever.. I cant cope with existence.. I cant cope with people, being with people, trying to be sociable but I just cant! Its like Im not really there.. Im watching myself talk and act with nothing really breaking through to me.. Im scared of being put back into hospital.. this time'll it'll be an adult ward.. much worse from what I hear.. and I found the adolescent one unbearable.. I spent more time being restrained then actually learning how to cope with anything.. I cant cope with it all over again.. the restraints, the injections.. being locked up like an animal because 'i cant be trusted' The only thing that kept me going through that was regular visits from my best friend Tracy, but now I'm out.. It doesnt feel enough anymore.. I dont want to hurt her in any way.. I screw up relationships.. and I dont want this to be another one on my list of things ive messed up.. Im isolating myself.. I know that.. Each time things get slightly better, I fall further, Im worse then I was the first time.. But Im scared.. If anyone really saw what I was like they wouldnt wanna know anymore.. My family have given up.. they wont try anymore.. thats why I had to leave home in the first place.. and if your family wont love you or care, why would anyone else.. Im struggling.. Im lying to all of my support.. my support workers, my social worker and my psych.. my family on the very rare occaision they get in contact.. I dont wanna go back into hospital.. but I dont feel safe here, dont feel safe alone with myself.. Last week my social worker mentioned hospital.. and I freaked.. when we first met he promised me that he wouldnt do that and that it wouldnt help me.. but its all happening again.. Its driving me mad.. They all keep pushing for me to see a pysch, but I wont.. there answer to everything is to lock me away.. and I cant trust them.. I knew I couldnt, but I tried so hard at the beginning, I dont know what to do, I dont want to be like this but hospital is not the way.. Im scared.. I dont want to have to deal with this, I just wanna hide anyway.. and people wont let me.. say its not healthy to be alone all the time.. I just want my life back..