I just keep fucking up

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by shuddertothink, Sep 8, 2010.

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  1. shuddertothink

    shuddertothink Well-Known Member

    I truely hate myself. I was feeling pretty bad today so i tried to keep busy so i wouldn't think about it so much. I paid some bills, went to the store, then came home. A friend (sort of) showed up, and we were watching Supernatural season 5, that i had bought the day before, when B showed up. He is one of the people who's supposed to be helping me. It's his job.

    I've known B since i wa seventeen. He was friends with my older sister Mary, we hung out in the same crowd, he even tried to sleep with me every chance he got. I never accepted his advances. So as u an imagine i was not pleased when he got a job working at the center i go to recently, and with good reason.

    The purpose for this visit was to ask me to contact a mutual friend, Rick. Rick wanted him to come by, so i had to take him there. I didn't want to go, i knew it was a bad idea, especially considering how i was feeling. I was right.
    They started talking about "the good ole days", and how much fun i used to be, which made me feel a lot worse. So after a miserable half hour i did it. I fucking bought a Dilaudid and shot it up. What the fuck is wrong with me?Nobody wants me to succeed. I keep fucking up.

    Do they (the people who are supposed to be helping me) know or even care how hard i'm trying? I seek help, and this is what my help turns out to be. These people are supposed to be helping me... Deidra, Justin, B, and all of the others at the center. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like i have nowhere to turn. I am truely at the end of my rope. All i can see is is the edge, and i desperately want to step off.

    If i believed in God, i'd pray and ask what he has against me. What did i ever do to deserve this shit? I'm a good person, I'm caring and loving. I'm generous, selfless, i'd do anything to help people i care about if i am able. Am i so wretched? What gives? I would give ANYTHING to have someone love me. Perhaps that would give me an anchor, something to hang on to. An incentive to keep going. If i were able to have my dog Gia here at this apartment, perhaps even that would help, she loves me unconditionally.

    I'm aware that i'm wallowing in self pity. I'm tired of hearing myself cry, and I'm getting sick of talking about it. If i were ever serious about anything in my whole life, it's that i'm not gonna be here much longer. I just can't do it anymore. I have never felt more hopless in my life, ever.

    I'm sobbing like a little bitch right now, and i keep hating myself more and more. I didn't think it was possible to hate myself more than i already do, but apparently it is. I don'[t know what to do. I've tried so hard. Whats the point anymore? I have nobody who cares about me.

    If something good doesn't happen fast, i'm signing out for good. I've never been more serious about anything in my life. I'm no longer flirting with the idea of ending my life... It's just a question of when, and how.
     
  2. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    don't give up and don't beat yourself up...this guy is not doing his job properly and he should have told his employer his history with you.
    I suggest going to the centre and telling them you would rather he didn't 'help' you anymore and tell them why....
    he should not be your 'helper' under the circumstances..
    you slipped up but you can get back where you were..keep trying ok...
     
  3. shuddertothink

    shuddertothink Well-Known Member

    I'm way ahead of you. I did request that he no longer "help", but he's one of the pushy kind of gay men that people can't stand, and he knows where i live now. He's not gonna bow out quietly.

    I have already given up, it took a lot for me to reach this point, i don't think there is any turning back. But thank you, i do apprecciate your feedback. Perhaps one day it will sink in.
     
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