I just hate that I just keep making my life worse and worse cause of my suicidal thoughts. I just keep doing stupid stuff like not going to work cause I know it doesn't matter if I get money or lose my job since I will be gone soon. And keep spending a lot of money that I can't afford to spend cause I know it will be over soon. But then I keep having second thoughts and don't go through with it, but now am basically one sick day away from being fired, and have no money to get through this year. And cause of my thoughts, I don't work on my marriage cause I "know" it will be over soon and won't matter, and I let my health go, eat crappy food and and don't exercise at all cause it doesn't matter. And this has been going on for years, now I just look like a fat lazy slob, the exact opposite that i was a few years ago before I was certain I would kill myself. Why can't I either get it over with and do it, or quit planning on it, and get on with my life. And it seems every time I have the availability to do it, I can't do it then, cause I am by myself so at peace, and knowing I can do it now eases my mind so I am a bit happier so don't do it. And can do what I want so do other things. But then all the times that I know I could easily do it I can't cause I'm at work or at church or around people. Pretty much all the times I'm not suicidal are when I'm alone at home and have the means, cause I also finally for a minute can forget my problems and do what I want. I thought I finnally could do it a few days ago cause my wife took off in the car after a fight and was threatening to leave me. And while she was gone, i managed to start the process, but came home after just a few minutes before I could do it. She could see rope burns on my neck, but just ignores it, and goes on like nothing happened, never mentioning it. I don't know why she can't figure out that I'm going to kill myself, and get me help, I've gave her plenty of hints cause I want to fix my problems, killing myself has just been my plan since I don't see any other way out, no light at the end of the tunnel. But even if she tried to help me, there is no way to fix my problems, I am always going to be screwed. And I don't know how much longer i can take. I wish i could just die without taking my life cause i know taking my life would be so much harder on my family for some reason than if I just died of a disease or car wreck, etc.