i just lost my wife

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by silverhalo, Mar 2, 2007.

  1. silverhalo

    silverhalo Active Member

    My wife of 16 years took her own life on feb 13th 07,i am at a loss and totaly devastated, she was diagnosed with POST NATAL ILLNESS after the birth of our second child in 2004 and has had her ups and downs since then but i never thought that this would happen.
    We have a 14 year old daughter and a son who will be 3 on st patricks day, my wife was never apart from the kids and loved them with her whole body she also was a wonderful wife whom i loved intensily.
    She also on the morning of her death
    told me that she had been suffering from bulemia for the last six years but i never picked up on the signs though thinking back now some were quite obvious, im trying to stay strong for my kids but i dont know how to carry on
  2. MrDepressed

    MrDepressed Guest

    My heart reachs out to you in this time of pain, I hope that you find some relief for some of your thoughts through using this site...
  3. silverhalo

    silverhalo Active Member

    i have looked for help elsewhere, possibly for answers but cant seem to find any i just know the hurt i feel is overwhelming and i find myself snapping at the kids especialy the youngest as he is only coming up on 3, i suppose everything is too raw just now but if you knew my wife you would never have tought her capable of anything like this
  4. Hazel

    Hazel SF & Antiquitie's Friend Staff Alumni

    Hello silverhalo & welcome to SF, I am so sorry to hear about your wife's tragic death. I can only begin to understand the pain that you and your children are going through at this time.
    It is good that you are staying strong for the children but please remember that you need time and space to grieve, to mourn, and eventually to heal a little.
    Please don't beat yourself up over what might be obvious in hindsight, you did not know about your wife's Bulimia because she kept it well hidden.
    The wife and mother you all knew and loved, still loved you all deeply but her mind was clouded by depression, she was unable to foresee the pain and suffering this would cause you.
    I am so glad you have found SF and I hope you will find the help and support you need here.

    Thinking of you with love and sympathy, Hazel.
  5. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    My sincere condolences for your loss.
    Have you tried Cruse (if you're in the UK) they can help with the grief process.
    Not sure what your set up is but I would put the little one into nursery (if you haven't already) so that you get time to yourself to digest what has happened to your life.
    If you ever need a chat my msn is in my profile.
    Again so sorry to hear about your loss.
  6. blade

    blade Well-Known Member

    ive said this to many other people : just have a little faith.

    and u will pull throgh
  7. silverhalo

    silverhalo Active Member

    i knew she got up from bed to the toilet reguraly most nights and i could hear her being sick now and then.I also bought her a laxative called DULCOLAX not knowing that folk use it as a manner of losing weight through passing waste from her bowels i could hear her do this also at night but again didnt realy put two an two together.
    My wife was a slim girl when we meet and after our first kid she gained weight rapidly which to be honest upset me as i wanted her to be as near as possible to the weight she was when we first meet.
    I am being as honest as i can here i loved my wife deeply and would never have left her either way but i did have aproblem with her weight as she had went up to around 17 stone.
    One night when i was drunk in my living room with my best friend i made a stupid comment about my wife just being a shag and my wife overheard it.
    I never did discusss my private life with my friends and that was the one and only time and to be honest i hated myself eversince because i didnt even mean it but my wife pulled me up for it some time later and was obviuosly very hurt by it.
    I tried to explain that i was so sorry and that i never did or said anything like that before and was deeply sorry.
    We eventualy married in 1999 after being together since 1992 and she was still carrying a lot of weight but i still loved her and married her.
    By 2001 my wife had gotten her weight down to around 9/10 stone and we split for at least 6 months in 2002 i was devastaed moving out of our home and lost around 3 stone myself due to not eating or sleeping properly as i missed her so much, we eventualy put our differences aside and she asked me if i wanted to move back in again so i did without question.

    My wife stayed around that weight up until her death, we also had another kid in 2004 a little boy who is sleeping on the settee as i type and the six years since we got back together were some of our happiest times.
    But on the friday before she died she was out with her best friend and told her she had been suffering from bulemia for 6 years and didnt know how to tell me, she also told her friend about the comment i had made way back in 1993 and that she could never go back to that weight again.
    She made her friend promise not to tell me and now im left feeling that it was all my fault that she became bulemic due to that silly/horrible comment as she had harboured it in her mind all that time.
    The facts are i would never have left her and if she had spoken to me about it i would have tried to help as best i could
  8. Allo..

    Allo.. Well-Known Member

    Paul.. my heart goes out to you.. It hurts to know that you have to endure this pain.

    i hope you dont blame yourself for waht has happened, because she did this and not you.. this was not your fault.. believe it..

    How are you kids handeling it? have you talked to then about it?

    please take care,
    Ally _%
  9. silverhalo

    silverhalo Active Member

    just now i cant help but blame myself and i hope i can go on to realise what you say is true, i have spoken to my kids but one is too young to understand and the other my daughter of 14 has been a rock so far
  10. Allo..

    Allo.. Well-Known Member

    Your daughter would be hurting a lot right now.. Make sure she knows that she can talk to you when she's ready, that you're here..

    Perhaps you should look into getting counselling or something for your kids?

    Take care :hug:
  11. MrDepressed

    MrDepressed Guest

    Thankyou for your willingness to share openly about your pain, and the guilt that you have felt... I can understand some of this struggle.. my bro killed himself years and years ago, I am left wondering, was there anything that I could have done?... the real pain in that comes with, I will never know this, at least as long as I am alive... Your daughter is very brave in her bein a rock for you, just make sure that you encourage her to grieve with you.... man I havent cried in so long and I find myself unable to hold back the tears.. your in my thoughts man.. take care.
  12. Beret

    Beret Staff Alumni

    :welcome: silverhalo
    It must be so terryfing for you to have lost your wife, knowing now its up to you take care for your kids. Youre in my thoughts and prayers. Stay strong, that would have been all your wife would have wished for :hug:
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 3, 2007
  13. silverhalo

    silverhalo Active Member

    Thanks again
    yeah my girl is hurting and i took her to a trauma group last week were we both had different interviews and she said she felt a little better talking to someone not directly involved.
    I myself didnt get much out of it but we are going back again on wednesday so we will see how it goes then.
    My little boy is only coming up on three so he realy doesnt know whats happening.
  14. silverhalo

    silverhalo Active Member

    She is very brave just like her mum was when thinking straight im so proud of her but i know eventualy she will need me and im desperately trying to hold things together but i just cant seem to see a way forward, i dont want to fail them.
  15. MrDepressed

    MrDepressed Guest

    Do you have many supports around you?
  16. silverhalo

    silverhalo Active Member

    My family are trying but i dont seem to get any real comfort from them as myself my wife and kids were pretty well self supportive of each other so im finding it realy difficult
  17. MrDepressed

    MrDepressed Guest

    maybe your family would be willing to take care of your children for a few days so that you can have some alone time if you need..
  18. Allo..

    Allo.. Well-Known Member

    I'm really glad you and your daughter have gone to this trauma group thing.. And if she says it's helping her I really think you should keep taking her, even if it's not working for you, but give it a few trys before you drop out.

    I hope you guys can get through this alright.. I know that it will always effect you but i know that in some ways it will make you better people..

  19. immure

    immure Account Closed

    i think u should just focus on happy home get a leave for everyone. take some time together to grieve. everyone can bond through there tears
    some of the greatest bonding i ever did was sitting my children through tears of there own hearts. they will stop crien. the little one is probably confused
    u should get a story book or some things to help him place his mommy some where. u can do it. we will cheer u on.
  20. silverhalo

    silverhalo Active Member

    i know my wife would have wanted me to stay strong but another day has just started and im struggling all over again