I just might do it this time

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Illusion, Mar 24, 2011.

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  1. Illusion

    Illusion Well-Known Member

    I really deserve to die. People like me don't deserve to live and I doubt anybody here will be on my side either. Most people on here have been abused in their life but have never the abuser. Well I'm an abuser. I hate abusing those I love but can't help it whenever I snap the way I do. When I snap, I'll hit anybody of any age and fuckin' regret it! So yeah SF.. This is my dirty little secret. Ever since I was 5 years old I've been one. When I was younger I'd hurt animals mainly, but now I hurt people and wouldn't lay a hand on an animal in the wrong way. Ugh, I don't understand.. I watched my mother get abused by people before yet I'm an abuser myself? :/

    I really want to die right now. I'M AN ABUSER FOR CHRISTS SAKE! I DON'T DESERVE TO LIVE! I CAN'T LIVE WITH THIS ANYMORE! :bash:

    Edit:
    I've also been bullied in my life and am against bullying yet I abuse... FUCK I'M A HYPOCRITE FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!
     
  2. Illusion

    Illusion Well-Known Member

    I'm throwing up after making this thread..
     
  3. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    I have been there. When people look at me it is hard to imagine I am sure. My all but 5'6 frame and 120 pounds, but I used to bully, and I used to hit my ex boyfriends all the time. I would snap and then hit them. In school I would always get into at least one fight a year. I crapped on every friend I ever had growing up, and I used an abused anyone that gave me a chance.
    But I do not do it any longer, and I changed. So there is hope. Just stop, and make thee choices of what you can control and work on getting that control. I know you feel awful and that is great! Becuase if you were truly as bad as you think you would care less and you would be in worse shape killing people and children or some crazy whack stuff you hear about in the news. The hurting animals is a sign most people will grow up to hurting and killing others, but you have changed in that department, so you can change in hurting others. Blessings..
     
  4. Illusion

    Illusion Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you understood. I need to learn to control my temper better.
    I am oddly thankful for having bad guilt cause that keeps me from enjoying such bad actions.
    Still I feel like I'm a 5'8 tall 245 pound monster though .___.
     
  5. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    Well you have the control, and even if it is not much it can be built up to where you would like it to be. One step at a time; one action at a time. I used to beat myself up all the time for my past, but it is just that my past. When I was living through it I hated myself for it, but I did not do anything else about it. I could have changed a long time ago, but I didn't and I hope you can at least get that from me that it is in your power to be a better person. But it begins with forgivness. Asking for it from those you care about, and giving to yourself in order to change. Then the efforts to change come along and before you know it; this monster you feel you are will seem as though it was just a bad dream. But never forget so that you do not repeat what you do not want to repeat in your actions or words. People do love you, and they are more understanding than you know. Blessings..
     
  6. Illusion

    Illusion Well-Known Member

    Thanks so much. I feel less pointed out now. I don't want to die an abuser. I want to try to change.
     
  7. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    As long as you want to change you can, and will. I have full confidence in your ability to do anything and everything you put your mind to. :hug:
     
  8. Illusion

    Illusion Well-Known Member

    Awh. I do want to change. :hug:
     
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