I just need a friend.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Entity, Mar 24, 2016.

  1. Entity

    Entity Well-Known Member

    I don't come on SF anymore until I get really down. Which I guess is good. I've been fighting this wave of depression like there's no tomorrow. Look I made a suicide pun.

    But I can't shake it. It's tearing me apart. I don't even care if my girlfriend comes over anymore. She still does, but it wouldn't matter if she didn't. I've distanced myself from everyone again. I hate this. I just want it to go away. I'm tired of feeling like this. It's not all the time anymore, which I guess is good. But when it comes back? Oh god, it comes back. I guess that's what depression is.

    I'm twenty-two years old now. When I first joined SF I was barely 15 and hanging on by a thread. I had written myself a promise that I would not make it to my sixteenth birthday and even though I tried many times, somehow I'm still here. There has to be a reason, right?

    Some days I look at myself and I'm proud of everything I've accomplished, but other days..? Other days I sit here and wallow in the fact that I am still alive. When friends ask me how I'm doing I say tired, even though it's more than just your casual tired feeling. I'm tired alright, but I'm tired of life, which I feel like is a different sort of tired.

    I'm waiting to wake up one day and be completely fine. I want those days where yeah, shit happens but it's not the end of the world instead of dreading waking up. Instead of having to force myself to get out of bed in the morning..or sometimes in the afternoon..or sometimes in the evening.

    I miss having actual friends. People I could talk to when I was down and count on them to pick me back up again. But this? This is hell.

    How are you?

    I'm tired, but I'm okay. How are you?

    And then I listen to how they are because they don't know any better anymore and I'm not about to tell them I'm on the verge of suicide. I'm not about to tell them I have planned this out again.

    It's odd how time flies and your plans when you were a kid seem so childish so you come up with new inventive plans. But in the end? It's still wrong. Why should any human feel the need to take their own life? What is that?

    I stopped taking my medication again. Cold turkey. Almost three months ago and for the past almost month I can feel it.

    I don't even cry anymore, but tonight? Tonight I'm bawling.

    Tonight I'm sat here on the floor in my closet of all places and I'm fucking bawling. I don't understand.

    I don't understand at all.
  2. Ima.robot

    Ima.robot Senior Member

    Sorry to hear entity :(. A tough feeling for sure, it's all so confusing. Maybe you should go back on meds? Or maybe you are still in withdrawal from them. Either way I hope it eases up for you :)
  3. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I am so sorry you're struggling so much. You're fighting a brave battle and you've done so well. Look, you're still here! Amazing! And yes I do believe there is a reason.

    Why did you stop your meds if I may ask? And is your doctor or psychdoc involved in that? Some meds needs to be stopped with great care.
    What about therapy, are you having any currently? You could really benefit from having someone help you deal with all of these tough things.

    What about therapy forms such as DBT? Would that be something you'd try?

    *hugs* Be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to be helped!
  4. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Take your meds. Talk to K, she loves you, she will understand.

    I know you're doing somewhat better but talk to me. I love you. More than you know.

  5. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    Kat - I can't believe you didn't message me you silly girl! I am here, always, and if you need to talk or need to tell someone you are suicidal or just need... anything - you message me okay?!

    Are you taking meds? Have you talked to a doctor? Depression sucks and the fact that it keeps coming back sucks even more - but you have beaten it back before and you can do it again. You are strong and brave even if you do not feel strong and brave right now. I believe in you.

    Do not stay silent and do not say you are okay when you are not. Message me!