I don't come on SF anymore until I get really down. Which I guess is good. I've been fighting this wave of depression like there's no tomorrow. Look I made a suicide pun. But I can't shake it. It's tearing me apart. I don't even care if my girlfriend comes over anymore. She still does, but it wouldn't matter if she didn't. I've distanced myself from everyone again. I hate this. I just want it to go away. I'm tired of feeling like this. It's not all the time anymore, which I guess is good. But when it comes back? Oh god, it comes back. I guess that's what depression is. I'm twenty-two years old now. When I first joined SF I was barely 15 and hanging on by a thread. I had written myself a promise that I would not make it to my sixteenth birthday and even though I tried many times, somehow I'm still here. There has to be a reason, right? Some days I look at myself and I'm proud of everything I've accomplished, but other days..? Other days I sit here and wallow in the fact that I am still alive. When friends ask me how I'm doing I say tired, even though it's more than just your casual tired feeling. I'm tired alright, but I'm tired of life, which I feel like is a different sort of tired. I'm waiting to wake up one day and be completely fine. I want those days where yeah, shit happens but it's not the end of the world instead of dreading waking up. Instead of having to force myself to get out of bed in the morning..or sometimes in the afternoon..or sometimes in the evening. I miss having actual friends. People I could talk to when I was down and count on them to pick me back up again. But this? This is hell. How are you? I'm tired, but I'm okay. How are you? And then I listen to how they are because they don't know any better anymore and I'm not about to tell them I'm on the verge of suicide. I'm not about to tell them I have planned this out again. It's odd how time flies and your plans when you were a kid seem so childish so you come up with new inventive plans. But in the end? It's still wrong. Why should any human feel the need to take their own life? What is that? I stopped taking my medication again. Cold turkey. Almost three months ago and for the past almost month I can feel it. I don't even cry anymore, but tonight? Tonight I'm bawling. Tonight I'm sat here on the floor in my closet of all places and I'm fucking bawling. I don't understand. I don't understand at all.