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i just need to get this out and work through it i guess

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Lauren Rose, Mar 7, 2016.

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  1. Lauren Rose

    Lauren Rose Member

    i've struggled with suicidal thoughts for as long as i can remember, but I've always assumed that this was something that everyone went through, and that I was just supposed to work through it on my own. I've never told anyone about it.

    this past week i made a horrible mistake, and i know these feelings of guilt are probably the main reasoning behind why I'm feeling so on the edge about everything. Long story short, my actions resulted in betraying my best friend and roommate and i feel worthless and horrible. I told her about what happened, and my head knows it will get better, but i'm scared i won't be able to let myself get past this. Like it feels like everything I've ever done wrong is just building and building and i can't handle it all, even if they're small things. I can't look at myself in the mirror, i took all the pictures i had up of me and my friends down from the walls because i just can't look at myself.

    and i can't help but feel like everyone would be better off if i was gone, and that this final straw was some how a sign of that. i can't eat, i can't sleep, and i can't focus on anything. i hurt my friend, and i cause my family and other best friends so much headaches by constantly telling them about my mistakes and my failures, and i just want everything to stop forever. i just want to disappear and then i can't hurt anyone else anymore
  2. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum, Lauren. I'm happy you found this place!

    I am sorry for the situation you are in right now, I can understand how it can feel like the end of the world. But it isn't. You can move on from this.
    I'm happy to hear you've been honest with them, it's a big step on your way to moving forward. That was the right thing to do.

    Please feel free to use this site to rant, vent and share what is going on in your head, and also my inbox is always open if you want to talk.

    Be kind to yourself hun, we all make mistakes, but it's the way we handle it after that is the real proof, it seems like you're doing the right things. It takes a big person to own up to a mistake. Kudos for that hun!
    Inspire&Inquire likes this.
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi lauren rose,

    I'm sorry you are feeling the way you are and for the situation you are currently in. We ALL make mistakes. All of us, it makes us human, it makes us just like everyone else. Is there anyway of reconciliation with your friends and house mate?

    If I got a cent for every mistake I made I would be richer than mark zuckerburg lol I have made so many mistakes and bad choices, I guess that is partly why I am here but anyway you are here now and you can talk to us freely without anyone judging you. Please keep reaching out to us. We might be strangers on a keypad but we're a small family here and look out for each other, care for each other and are here for each other, always!
  4. Lauren Rose

    Lauren Rose Member

    She told me the day I told her what happened that she will forgive me, and that it is not a make or break moment in our friendship, which I know is a good thing. The hard part will just be forgiving myself, because what I did is so unlike me I am disgusted with myself that I did it. I'm hoping with time these feelings will pass, or at least let up a little bit. Thanks for listening, it really does help knowing people care.
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Delighted that talking is helping you, we really do care here, even if we don't always have the right words we have the best of intentions!
    I think you are a lovely person that simply just made a mistake, an error in judgement maybe and that is okay :) I hope you can forgive yourself soon, you need to hun *hugs*
  6. Inspire&Inquire

    Inspire&Inquire SF Supporter

    In order to forgive yourself, you have to believe you are a good person. I believe you are, bad people don't feel guilt, they have no remorse. You are a good person even if maybe you aren't perfect in every way. Maybe you would benefit from a sincere apology. Let you friends know how you feel.
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