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I just need to get this out. So close to letting go.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Moonshine, Jun 21, 2010.

  1. Moonshine

    Moonshine New Member

    Today STARTED as a bad day..I had a bad feeling about it after the first few things in a row went wrong. It's gone downhill by miles since. I've been feeling suicidal for about a week or so.
    I got off work..and within 30 minutes, my mom has come out and degraded and berated me because SHE was annoyed with HERSELF. So she took it out on me. She always does. Nothing I do is good enough or just ENOUGH at all. I do no right. I fail her daily. She complains about me to my sisters. She blames all bad things that happen on me.
    And during the short lull between those times.....she says she loves me. she wants to hug me. she says she wants me to feel better. she wants me to tell her if i feel suicidal. she is sorry she didnt protect me from my relatives(who sexually abused and raped me for the majority of my upbringing. I'm 18 as of a few days ago, it ended when I was 16 but happened once again when I was 17.) she tells me i am strong. and just when i decide to give her another chance, she unleashes another attack on me and I'm left even more alone and hurting deeper than the last time.
    she send such mixed messages. she loves me, but i cannot do things right. im strong, but im a failure. she wants me to tell her if i feel like giving up, but she will say things to put me there.

    before any of this happened today, I went to the store and bought a sufficient OD. as a "back up plan." I did this one other time in january, when i was directly on the edge of suicide, before my family found out(not by my own free will.)
    and now she does this. and now, all those bottles are in front of me taunting me. screaming in silence that there is peace right in front of my face. there is sleep. there is my escape.

    i dont want to keep going on. i CAN'T, with her like this. with my life like this. with me like this.
    i hate her most for what she does because she reiterates what i think of myself. that im worthless, a failure, hopeless, dirt. a waste of space. it is everything the abuse taught me, as well. she is repeating it all to me. and it KILLS ME. it is literally killing me.
    I am so sorry.
    I can't write anymore. nothing is, or feels, worth it. im not even worth this. i do not deserve any support from anyone. i am sorry i wasted anybody's time. i am sorry for so much. too much.
  2. spiritxfade

    spiritxfade Well-Known Member

    :hug: You're not wasting my time, and you do deserve support. Don't tell yourself that you don't. Your mom has no right to do these things to you just because she has issues with herself. I'm sorry that you're not fully out of the abuse yet, and I hope that things get better for you.

    If you want to talk more, feel free to send me a PM.