I just need to get this out

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by BrooklynRider, Mar 31, 2007.

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  1. BrooklynRider

    BrooklynRider Well-Known Member

    May trigger---------- May be disturbing--------

    I have periodic episodes of self harming that are kind of unique (I think). I am receiving EMDR Therapy for post traumatic stress, which as shed light on the issue. My overall story in the suicidal forum - it's long, but comprehensive.

    Anyway, I get triggered periodically to self-harm. The trigger comes and I go into a methodical process that can be in planning for days or weeks. It will entail getting drugs (usually meth) or hooking up with someone who has drugs. After getting high beyond control, I then seek out a sadist to brutalize me often focusing on the nether regions. It is very extreme, pretty sick, and ultimately humiliating. It can last for days.

    In my EMDR therapy session, I spoke about an incident while I was a child. I was six and in the hospital. The hospital was in NYC at least 50 miles from my family home. I was often left there all alone. I had gas gangrene in my left arm and was in an infectious room. This meant that anyone coming in had to wear a surgical gown, mask and cap. I never knew who was coming in and I was bedbound, unable to move for three months.

    One night a team of doctors came in. They assembled around my bed. One took my arm, which hung from a pole, wrapped in a bandage with foul smelling dicharge leaking through, and laid it at my side. A silver table was brough to my bedside and the bandage removed. I was given no anesthetic. As I lay there, the doctors took a scissor and dug it into the flesh in my diseased arm and began cutting away my skin. They then took a scalpel and began chopping out chunks of my muscle and dropped the goop into silver surgical trays.

    I was in shock, screaming and terrified. Suddenly, it seemed the crown of my skull opened up and I drifted up to the ceiling. I looked down dispassionately as the procedure continued, safe and no longer feeling attacked. I didn't know what was happening, but, as an adult, I can tell you the feeling was like an orgasm multiplied over one hundred times. Ever since that day and especially through the remaining time in the hospital, I would lay in my bed and try to emulate that feeling. Willing myself to leave my body.

    I now understand that I periodically get triggered and those triggers send me back to that traumatic experience. I end up doing massive amounts of drugs to emulate the orgasmic high of the "out of body" experience and also simultaneously seek the extreme pain, terror, and ruthless assault of a stranger upon my body. The fact that it is sexual is probably my own self-judgment about being gay.

    I'm not proud ofthis, but proud that that I am looking at it honestly. This is the first time I've ever written anything about it. I might delete it, but I feel that writing it, for now, gives me a sense of shedding a dark, damaging secret.

    I don't imagine anyone else has had quite this experience, but maybe it will be informative as to why we do the things we do.


  2. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Hi Rob,

    I bet it took and awful lot of guts to be able to write all that down and look at it honestly. You have made some very candid and real observations, and it is not suprising that you suffer long lasting effects from your childhood trauma.

    I am really glad that you are receiving therapy for your PTSD. It sounds like your SI is closely related to all that you went thorugh, so hopefully as you start to recover from your PTSD, your SI will also get better to.

    I have no words of wisdom, other than I have utmost respect for what you have just written.

    Hang in there and keep fighting
  3. LaLaLullaby

    LaLaLullaby Well-Known Member

    Wow...That's crazy stuff.
  4. The_Discarded

    The_Discarded Staff Alumni

    Goodness. That's really interesting.

    I commend you on being able to express this.

    Do take care of yourself.

  5. Lost Disciple

    Lost Disciple Well-Known Member

    Okay, so this probably isn't going to help at all but:

    Whether or not you made that up, I think I'm scarred for life. I can't even imagine what it must have been like for you to actually live through that, let alone offer any advice on how to improve. All I can really suggest is...

    I'm really, really sorry.
  6. BrooklynRider

    BrooklynRider Well-Known Member

    The triggering is much easier for me to recognize now. It's stopping myself from following through that is the challenge. In the past, it has happened maybe three of four times annually. But, it is very dangerous, very painful and ecstatic all at the same time. I think stating it here takes it out of the realm of "sick secrets." I'm not proud of it. I kind of understand it. However, I'm not hiding it. I think there is some level of healing I might accomplish. Even if I can't, I can come here now and be open if it happens again.
  7. Lost Disciple

    Lost Disciple Well-Known Member

    Hey, as long as you're trying as hard as you can to identify and nullify the trigger, and you're not keeping it a secret anymore, you're definitely on a positive road.:biggrin:
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