I just need to put it out there..

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by ExcuseMyFrench, Feb 17, 2016.

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  1. Hi everyone,

    I've just registered (obviously cause I was feeling very down) but I couldn't post or reply.. it kept saying that I haven't enough "privileges".. since I'm not familiar with this forum I thought that I was being rejected and it made me feel very pathetic.. then I've received an email informing me that my account has been approved and I understood that there was no rejection here, just me being paranoid.. it made me laugh and it was the first time in a long time that I've laugh so spontaneously !

    So thanks for making me stop crying.. I've woke up this morning crying and I just couldn't stop..

    Right now, almost everything is going wrong in my life.. I'm 36 and I had to move in with my parents.. at 28 I was a successful lawyer, I met the man of my dreams, lived in a great appartement.. then we've got engaged, bought a house.. then he has financial problems then I had troubles at work.. and without even understanding how things turned out, here I am at 36, single (no kids, never married), moving in with my parents, I have no income but tons of debts.. I've been searching for a job for a year without success.. There was also some health issues, I've suffered numerous deaths in my family and the last one was in septembre, my aunt (who almost raised me) died when I was visiting her.. I've spent the night with her cold body holding her hand and her face is still hunting me..

    I'm trying to keep it short, so I began at 28.. but just to put some perspectives, I grew up in Algeria (northern Africa), I had a wonderful childhood then comes the terrorism.. my family has to move to France where I had the joy to discover racism (and cold weather and not going to the beach after school !).. I had to fight hard to turn my life around and I thought that I did..

    So now that I've hit the bottom, I must admit that I'm too tired to climb the Everest once again.. I don't know what to do anymore, I'm thinking about suicide as a rational solution even if I know that I shouldn't.. I can't talk about this to my parents, and after all the problems I've got these past years, I have no friend left..

    It's very hard to find someone to talk to when you're depressed, broke and over 35.. at my age most of my friends are married and busy with their kids, they don't have time for me.. besides they're more used to get help from me than the contrary (I'm a lawyer, I'm the one supposed to help people...)

    It's the same with my family, I'm supposed to be the strongest one and I'm not allowed to feel down.. my parents are the one who complain to me..

    Sorry for the very long post, I've tried my best to keep it short but I really needed to put these words out.. and sorry if I misspelled some words, English is only my third language.

    Thanks for giving me a place to share.
    Jenumbra likes this.
  2. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    HI @ExcuseMyFrench , welcome to SF.
    I'm sorry to hear about you aunt.
    Everyone needs help. Don't feel bad for asking for help. Suicide is not a rational solution. Have you reached out to a doctor or therapist yet?
    Please keep sharing or ranting. If you need to talk, feel free to PM me.
    ExcuseMyFrench likes this.
  3. Thanks @(SP) kcho for your answer !

    I've tried therapy but it didn't go well for me.. my story is too "complicated" for a "regular" therapist. They usually try to blame everything on the traumatic events that I've witnessed (terrorism) although I don't think that it's the real issue..

    Off course it's traumatic but I was 14 at the time and I've came over it.. my whole country suffered from it and I understood that it was a political crisis and it has nothing to do with me in particular..

    It's much harder for me to accept the failure of my career, and not being where I was supposed to be (married with kids..)

    Anyway I feel already better just by reading others stories, I feel less alone.
    JmpMster likes this.
  4. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I'm glad you feel less alone after reading other stories. The chat button is at the bottom right hand corner.

    Hmm, I guess you could always try a different therapist in the future.
    ExcuseMyFrench likes this.
  5. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Counselors are like plumbers, electricians carpenters, and all others some are really good, the most average, and some suck. All are limited by their own experiences to declare "traumatic" and have no clue what to them seems "traumatic" is just every day life in other parts of the world - so when you beleive they are off on the wrong path trust your own judgement. Clearly you are a smart educated person, and I suspect your insight is far more keen than the average therapist that has never really pushed the boundaries of their very small world anyway.

    That said, it does sound to me like you are simply tired. You accomplished a lot, then when you moved and accomplished a lot more, dealt with racism and other issues like that and beat it back somewhat- you thought you had earned the right to rest and enjoy the fruits of your efforts, but that time really never arrived. Compare it to telling a marathon runner at km 39 that they moved the finish line and instead of 42 km is now 70 so they are only barely half way there. Even the greatest marathon runner in the world would feel like quitting, and it would be completely understandable, just like it is easy to understand why you feel like stopping now. That said , just because that race is over for them , does not mean they never will run again.

    Climbing Everest again , as you put it, does seem like a really daunting task, but you are not giving yourself enough credit for the fact you are not at the bottom of the mountain now. You are at least 3/4 of the way up already. You are still educated, intelligent, capable person with even more world experience than you had at 28. These are all things you get to keep and they cannot take away. Maybe th ejob search has been hard and needs to be amended, lots of things might need to be re looked at- but give yourself more credit for what have already accomplished and try to believe just because you are living at home again does not mean you are a little girl starting over again. Getting some help to deal with the depressions so everything does not seem impossible would be a good start, and then make some small goals for yourself, very small goals , and go do them. Even if is just to look up 3 places I might apply for work at later. Take these small goals and get used to doing and succeeding and let them turn into real plans.

    There really is a future and trust me that 36 is very very long ways from life being over and too late.

    Take Care and Be Safe
    - Ben
    sahel and ExcuseMyFrench like this.
  6. @NYJmpMaster Thank you so much for you kind words, they're really cheering me up. Thank you for taking the time to read my post and for understanding it so well.

    I'll take on your advice right now, and I'll begin by doing some laundry.. having clean clothes and sleeping in clean sheets may be a good start lol

    Take care ! Amel.
    JmpMster likes this.
  7. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    *hugs* Welcome to SF, and I really hope you find the help you need here

    I'm sorry for what's been going on in your life. It sounds like you've been through a lot.

    As Ben said don't give up on finding a good therapist or therapy method after one who didn't go well. It is possible to find one who can truly help you.

    Do you have any hobbies that could get you 'out there' and meet some new people with common interests?
    ExcuseMyFrench likes this.
  8. sahel

    sahel SF Supporter

    Yay, that's my girl:) taking small steady steps is the key
    ExcuseMyFrench likes this.
  9. @sahel Thanks for your support. Btw I love your nickname, I've always though that if I have a boy I would name it "Sahel".

    @ThePhantomLady Thanks for your advices. I've tried many things (art/kitchen ateliers, friendship groups) to meet people.. but sadly most of them are only an excuse for flirting.. people my age are obsessed by being in couple and everything that involves adults turn around seduction.. (it may be a french thing)

    I'm not in the right place to be looking for a romantic relationship.. Especially because of my financial situation, any man I would meet in this state would only try to profit from my difficulties..

    Physically I've gone though different stages.. when my family moved to France (at 14), I was very depressed and I've gained 30 kgs in less than 4 months.. for many years I felt very bad about my body.. after 25 I've began to lose all the overweight and underneath people discovered a "sexy body" that I didn't how to deal with..

    I've gone from being the fat girl that boys would no take out cause they're ashamed of her (and yeah they told me so...) to someone who looks like Selma Hayek or a Cruz sister.. It was confusing cause in my mind I was still very insecure.. I've lost many friends at that time.. boys were suddenly "interested" in me in an odd way and girls just hated me and didn't want me around their boyfriends..

    I've dealt with it now, but I'm still avoiding seeing people. My outside image is too different from what I feel inside, and people that I attract are not good for me (shallow people and jerks..). Those who could help (sincere kind people) don't want to be around me. This is why I prefer online relations. I was a part of a community of custom creators for a video game (The Sims), and it was great. I had friends all over the world and I could work on my creativity (3D objects making). But since I became a lawyer I had to stop, it's was too time consuming and my job occupied me 12h a day 7/7.

    Anyway this was my ranting of the day ! My parents just makes me crazy once again.. they want me to renew my passeport (even if I don't have any plan to go anywhere for a very long time) and I've refused to go with them because I'm not feeling well (liver problem), my face is yellow and I have pimples all over (I don't want to be remembered of this face for the next 15 years !!).. but off course they threw a tantrum at me, even if they took an appointment (without asking me) and that they're the ones who need to renew their passeports cause they're traveling soon.

    I really don't understand how they're thinking.. they can get very upset for the smallest thing..

    It's so hard to try to stay positive when your family isn't helping or supportive and you have to live with them.. So I try to avoid them the best I can, and avoid any negative remark (the house has never been so clean..) right now I'm mastering the art of invisibility !
  10. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    @ExcuseMyFrench welcome to our community, I am glad you decided to join, SF is an amazing community filled with awesome people. Just out of curioisty do you like your job as a lawyer? Do you think it's preventing you from ''living'' and enjoying your life and social life? My sister got 2 law degrees in the past year. She is now a trainee tax consultant and loves her job. Kudos to you for graduating and getting yourself out there and well done on losing all that weight, how did you do it may I ask, as I have a lot of weight to lose too? I hope you find SF and warm and welcoming place to air your thoughts! Hugs to you!!
  11. Deety

    Deety SF Supporter

    Hi, I can understand what it is like suddenly relying on your parents again as a grown woman. I am 35 and my world fell apart a year ago. Keep safe, you sound like an amazing person, don't give up on yourself.
  12. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Just look at living with parents as a stepping stone to another adventure. a lot people are doing it
    sahel likes this.
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