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I just need to ramble a bit I guess(Trigger Warning)

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Songstress, Dec 6, 2013.

  1. Songstress

    Songstress Well-Known Member

    Yesterday I shaving and I was thinking how I was never actually taught to shave my legs, or really to do a lot of things. I just kind of looked at my tools and tried to figure it out. But it also reminded me that I started shaving later than most other women probably did and I never picked it up as a regular habit for several reasons. The first being that I typically shave in the shower so it makes my showers longer meaning I would get yelled at for wasting water. The second being that I always miss hair anyway so I kind of find it pointless. I can’t really SEE in the shower because I take off my glasses and when I can’t even see the hair it makes it hard to get rid of. And then there is the “don’t want to cut myself” thoughts. (I have really really bad vision i literally cannot see the hair on my legs when I don't have my glasses on despite the hair being SUPER DARK)

    Scarily enough I shave best on BAD days. I mean where I am sitting in the tub with the water running trying to wash away thoughts of self harm. Shaving those days would seem like a terrible idea but it let me get blades close to my skin but promoted me being really slow and careful. But the no cutting goes back much much further.

    When I was first thinking about shaving because I was that age my mom’s razor fell one time when I was taking a shower and I stepped on it. I nicked myself on the blade because of that. I had been walking around barefoot and my mom saw the bandage on my foot. I got yelled at for cutting myself on a razor. “You had better not be cutting yourself with a razor,” were her exact words. Back then I thought it meant I was too young to be shaving. But now I see that wasn't the case and that her saying that was one of the reasons I never actually did cut myself when I REALLY wanted to when I was younger. She very clearly established that self harm was shameful. That I would have been a coward and making a mess for her to clean up if I did that sort of thing. But it’s also something no one would remember if I said it, just like ANY instance of abuse in my family.
  2. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    hi. I am sorry you were abused.I wonder how many people who are part of this community expereinced abuse, including the often underestimated emotional abuse, from a parent when they were young. Would make an interesting poll. I bet the number would be pretty high. Like i wrote in another thread, some people clearly should not be parents. And yet they are. Their kids get to deal with the after effects. Even often when they are much older. Very hard.
  3. Songstress

    Songstress Well-Known Member

    It didn't help that my family was in a car crash when I was six and my mother's elbow was shattered. She couldn't lift anything with her right arm for the longest time and it meant that the three of us who she was supposed take care of were forced to turn around and take care of her even though we were really too young to be doing so much. We were guilted into so much shit. We were poor too, so any time we wanted things we were often yelled at about "Do you know how expensive that is and how selfish you're being?" We had power outages because they couldn't pay the electric bill many times. My mother told me several times that I was an accident, how they wanted to stop after two kids but stuff happened and they got me too. Even if she tried to say I was an "unanswered prayer" and put it as "Some of god's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers" that's still something you never tell a child. As if I wasn't socially awkward enough she told me I wasn't wanted even if she tried spinning it as sweetly as possible.