I just need to share. Life is getting in the way of actually living. Maybe triggering

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by emarie7683, Feb 17, 2012.

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  1. emarie7683

    emarie7683 New Member

    I’m 20 years old. I’m a level II nursing student. I deal with death on the occasional basis. Watching someone draw their last breath and having to keep a face of stone but on the inside, I’m crying. I cry for those who will never have an opportunity to truly live- Infants born to mothers who are more interested in the crack that they are more effectively injecting into their veins than I am at starting an IV. More tracks laid on their body than a rail-yard.
    I was diagnosed with depression when I was 13. Admitted to a psychiatric unit after attempting suicide. I was brutally raped only a few weeks before. Sadistic rape is what I now know it is referred to as- in the ER. A virgin and rather small for my age, he was aggravated because he was unable to penetrate me. Out comes a pocket knife. He effectively gave me an episiotomy then had his fun.
    Jump forward. When I turned 18 I had to file a restraining order against my boyfriend of the time for putting my head through the front door. To be fair, our problems were months old. He began drinking… a lot. It was New Year’s Eve, again, he was staggering drunk. Angry because of my sexual dysfunction, my face went through the door. I ended up with a moderate concussion and a retinal bleed.
    Again, jump forward. June 29, my mother ended her life on a hot summer day. Depression is a generational curse that my family endures. She fought so hard to preserve my life, that she often neglected her own demons. She shot herself through the chest with a .380. She was my best friend. My confidant. The person that I called when I was aggravated with school, friends, and the person I shared my joys and triumphs with… She held a large portion of my heart.
    When I was a senior in high school, my father’s back was broken in a car accident. This was a man who had only missed two days of work in 20 years of employment. I thought he might grieve himself to death. I took on two jobs and completed high school as an honors graduate. The bills stacked up. We were all stressed. I brought in a tiny abandoned puppy one night. He is now just as much a member of my family as my brother and I.
    Since my mother died, I have been taking pain medication… constantly. A pill every few hours just to feel a spark of euphoria. I know it’s chemical. Not real. But I need it. I need happiness that I’ve never truly felt.
    I want out of this life.
    Don’t get me wrong. As a student nurse, I get joy from holding a new mothers hand or relieving a stranger’s pain. All I want out of life is to help others. I’m just tired of seeing the evil of men. A Hep C positive woman breastfeeding. And we can’t stop her. She’ll kill her babies. Not only is her milk poisoned with a virus but is excreting crack. This is the evil that I cannot tolerate.
    There is nothing worse than hearing a baby scream in pain from stimulate withdrawal.

    I wish I could just take a break from life but it keeps hammering me. I’ve been on every antidepressant, benzodiazepine, and antipsychotic in the book. Nothing helps. I wish I could just fall asleep and never awake.
    I don’t want to evidently take my own life. That would further destroy my injured father and my 16 year old brother. I’m tired of holding it together.
     
  2. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    Re: I just need to share. Life is getting in the way of actually living. Maybe trigge

    I am so sorry you've had such a hard life. Reading this made me sad and I can so relate to you in so many ways. There is a lot of evil in this world, but I try to hang on to the miracles and good things. You sound like a good person, you are needed in this world. And I wish I could help you in so many ways.

    For meds, it took me years of taking the same meds for them to finally have effect. We are all looking for the quick fixer when in truths there are none. It takes a long time for pills to have an effect. I learned that the hard way last year. Do you have someone to talk to? like a friend or a professional? that could help and guide you, support you...

    I'm so sorry about your mom, my mom has paranoid schizophrenia and so its hard at times but I love her to death and she is always there for me...I've been depressed since I was 12 years old so that I can relate to you on that as well..
     
  3. emarie7683

    emarie7683 New Member

    Re: I just need to share. Life is getting in the way of actually living. Maybe trigge

    Thank you so much for your kindness. Sometimes it helps knowing that you army alone (I know that you likely deal with the loneliness also.) You're kindness really does mean the world. Its strange, I'm in the business of saving lives and I'm having a hard time sustaining my own. Like having a nurse tell you not to smoke and you later catch her lighting up in the parking lot, you know what I mean?

    I am so sorry that you suffer. Those I meet with compassion in their heart... I wish I could assume their pain. Odd, because I take every attempt to shuck my own.

    Sorry, I'm rambling.
     
  4. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    Re: I just need to share. Life is getting in the way of actually living. Maybe trigge

    that's okay, I'm the same way. If I could take people's pain away I would...yet I have a hard time dealing with my own. It always seems easier to deal with other people's pain, like I can see clearly how to help and all but I'm clueless about my own...

    a lot of times people tend to project their own wish or rules onto others, that nurse when she told you it was bad to smoke, she was kind of talking to herself in a way...my mom does that a lot with me...she wants me to do all these things but the reality is because she wants to do them but can't so she projects it onto me...took me a while to realize and understand it...and not take it personally but I still do...life is hard...
     
  5. rv498

    rv498 Well-Known Member

    Re: I just need to share. Life is getting in the way of actually living. Maybe trigge

    Wow you had such a s*it of a life! You definitely deserve a break from all of this. I mean I did go to war as a soldier and came out of a dysfunctional family but most of the actions I chose to do, like signing up for service. What works for me now for relieving PTSD from army flashbacks and bad childhood experiences, is selfishly pursuing the hobby I like. I am sorry but I have to selfish, my need comes first. I think you have to be this way. Let go of feeling guilty for not caring for other people enough. Start thinking more for yourself. Seriously.
     
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