I must dive deeper to find out what is stopping me from just ending it. I just really really feel like doing it most of the time and I just need something to push me over the edge. Its just mounting up so much - every balcony I go to I instinctively check to see if I would die if I threw myself over the edge. Same if I am next to a busy road or am using a knife in the kitchen. These things just pull me in.