i just need to talk...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by endlessskies58, Feb 20, 2009.

  1. endlessskies58

    endlessskies58 Well-Known Member

    this is my first time leaving a thread on this forum... i am usually a very open person but this is going to be so open that i feel vulnerable... my deepest most inner thoughts that eat at me.

    i have been very suicidal in the past. i wanted to kill myself the day after highschool graduation. i did get over it, but have never forgotten it. i had a boyfriend when i was 16 (my first boyfriend) who made my world something worth looking forward to. i started to think about the future because of him.

    but even though i was basically better thanks to friends before the relationship... i still didn't feel completely better and didn't want to enter a relationship before i was strong enough. but he was so persistent and i gave in because i really liked him. this is where the problem began because i still felt suicidal and depressed with him. i think it even affected our relationship to an extent (i think its one of the reasons we aren't together...). but we were so happy for 3 years until april of last year i wanted to break it off because i felt dependent. i wanted to see if i could be strong on my own.

    the problem was i still loved him with all of my heart and when i realized i didn't want to lose him... it was too late... he said he didn't love me anymore and just wanted to be single... i was so heartbroken and felt like my world and everything i had believed in about love had collapsed. though i know this was expected, being that it is basically an addiction to a person, i was still so dead inside. it was my first break up after all... and it was so strange to see him hooking up with girls and putting up pictures at parties... and now finally a year later is in a relationship with a new girl...

    and here i am. i had waited for him to come back because it sounded like he would. i haven't been with any other guys or in any other relationships. i waited a year...

    but i am proud to say i didn't have many suicidal thoughts and i did not cut... this depression was so much different then the other one... painful, but so much different. a little more handleable... and i'm over it finally...

    the problem is i feel horrible as a person. i feel like some of my worst personality traits have surfaced to me during this breakup and i feel almost like i've messed up too much. i just recently tried to form a friendship with a very handsome young man and i almost feel as if he brought out some of my bad traits. i felt like he was being a jerk so i was a jerk to him. but he kept pointing out stuff about me and it got me wondering especially since it reminded me of my fights with my ex... am i really a toxic person?... i'm usually so pleasant with people... i want to be a better person but is that really possible? can i change who i am? is there really such a thing as mind over matter?

    because i see here that its not like we can change our genetics or if we have a disorder... sometimes its biology and we can't help it. i know suicide is genetic on both sides of my family...

    from some of the things i have been doing, i can't tell if it is a disorder or if its just an abnormal behavior we go through as humans with complex emotions either...

    i've been really bothered because i have taken a test to see what disorder i would have if i did and two of them bothered me so much. i was moderate for schizotypal and high for histrionic. i feel rather ashamed...

    especially since i know that some of my behaviors may be a little too abnormal. i've noticed i have become VERY into spirituality such as buddhism and past lives. i have also been very into psychics, especially after my break up. i like to talk about it too and i really worry now that i'm crazy...

    just after i was so suicidal i became very entranced by life after death and finding out if it was real. i became agnostic. and in actuality... ghosts and psychics and science are the only things i can really look at to prove any sort of life after death...


    i feel like a loon.

    but maybe it doesn't matter... sometimes i feel so quiet that even if i say something i feel is important, no one hears me. i feel rather insignificant sometimes... and now that i am completely alone... i feel more weak than ever...

    i still get depressed sometimes... and i still get some thoughts of suicide... usually before my menstrual cycle where my hormones are the most haywire (biology right there)... but i don't want to take anything for the rest of my life... i want to be strong on my own... but sometimes i really don't think i'm going to make it in life... like eventually it will get to me... life is good now... but what will i do when i am an adult and am forced to deal with a lot more traumatic things?... suicide runs in my genes so it wouldn't be too surprising...

    i feel so alone... but i don't want to depend on love to make me happy... thats not fair to my future partner... but i miss my ex so much... he was my light... i felt like everything would be alright as long as he was by my side... i really don't want to be a toxic person...
     
  2. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni

    You're not a loon. A lot of people here feel as you do.
    I'm still not over my ex from a year ago. I felt exactly like you do. Entirely dependent. I felt really good when I broke it off because I too wanted to see if I could stand on my own two feet. When I couldn't, you bet, it was too late.
    I'm not sure how you get over it, because I'm still not. A lot of crying, and finding other support. I know exactly how you feel when you say everything was ok as long as he was by your side. That's the way it was with my ex. And after we broke up I cried in her arms so many times.
    Just keep crying, and let it all out :heart:
     
  3. endlessskies58

    endlessskies58 Well-Known Member

    thank you so much for the support. it means a lot to me. :biggrin:
     
  4. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni

    :hug:s hope you are feeling better :heart:
    keep posting :arms: