There's an incredible feeling of sadness set in, the time is ripe for a new beginning time for change and the focus to shift. Where am I going, why am I here? The questions pervade my every move my very existence. There are times when I feel so lost, so lonely and hurt inside. So damp and raw, it's like a sickness, a disease that consumes me and eats me from teh inisde out. I feel hollow, as if you could throw something at me and it would pass righ th through, incapable f pain. Invincbible? hardly. Y ou need to be whole for that. It's just so wet, s o damp. I'm leaking, I can hear the drips within me. ddrip, drop drip drop. There's this feeling of yearning there. I'll never be good enough! Isn't that hard to imagine, i'll never amount to it at all, what is going on? why is this happening? I wish it would stop. It hurts too much, to close my eyes arnd realize I'm worthless. ITo realize I'm replaceable and ugly and should be destroyed. I think I need to die. It's not about want anymore or unhappiness. It is just a need. I have no purpose on earth, I have no reaosn to be here and the wrold would keep going on without me here. I feel like I'm just a blimp on th earth, there are so many people with problems and yet here I am feeling unwhole. It's ridiculous, isn't it? I should die and make room for those who need it. I wish I could die a useful death, and one where no one else gets hurt. They say it is a sin to commit suicide because the victims are your friends and your family. But really, why the hell would anyone miss me? I hardly really talk to anyone about anything that matters to me. These thoughts, life, what it means, why we're here, none of those exist anymore. God If I have to comment on one more nice shirt or hair style I will scream and... kill myself? Ha, that can be said so lightly and yet everytime I say it lightly I want it to be true. The only thing stopping me is how horrible it would be for my parents financially. It comes down to money in the end. Can you beleive it? It's money keeping me alive. How low have I gone that it is the only thing I can think of. And maybe that means I don't really want to die, if I'm pikcing such a shallow reason to stay alive. I don't know . I just don't feel ncessary here anymore and think that maybe if anyone did mourn they would mourn for a while but then they could all go back to their lives and it would be better that way because I'll be gone. I feel like the world iwill right itself if i'm not here. I don't contribute anything, i'm a useless mass sucking up resources and hearing other people's hurtful comments. I just want the pain to stop. If it stops, can I go on living? Maybe. I just want to end it though, all of it. The getting up everyday, the living life and the going to bed. I just want it to stop and never have happened for me. I'm sick of feeling second best to everyone for everything. If I am actually second best at everything, if there is nothing about me that makes me special or stand out, then I am unecessary and should be deleted, should be destroyed. I wish I had the guts to kill myself. I wish I had the means. What do I do? Jump off a cliff? Then they find my body and have to haul my fatness away. That would be awful for them. I just need to... I dunno. Something quick, painful, whre they do n't have to worry about my body. Buried alive and burning to death really seem to be my two options, but those are a little painful. I guess I could try and be sick and then die in the hospital so they can take care of my body there. The devil scares me. hell scares me. Hundreds of my wosst fears attacking me. But i'll tell you, the veyr worst one of all is the knoweldgethat I am useless. If that exists, then nothing else matters. I am a horrible person, I don't deserve life and I wish, I wish so badly that someone else was here in my place becuase this is an awful life. This soul is tortured, is beaten and I can't go on doing this for much longer. I'm holding myself together with unraveling threads and I am just waiting, hoping, that they can snap and I can finally find peace again.