I just realized how fucked up i am X)

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by dontwannabeme, Dec 14, 2015.

  1. dontwannabeme

    dontwannabeme Well-Known Member

    Hey all,

    as another night passes without sleep.
    I just realized something about me.
    I feel lonely sad angry crazy.
    i feel like shit but then im upbeat and energetic.
    I can laugh 1 moment and drop a tear the other moment.
    Isnt borderline awesome! .....
    i keep saying im ok too evryone around me but im not.
    Why do we lie?
    whats the dam use?
    Ive got a good job.
    a nice income.
    But its not what i seek cause i cant bear myself.
    People see me as a "good" person.
    But im not.
    I hurt people by things i do i say.
    I come on here on chat too help people out give em tips ect.
    But in the end its hypocritical.
    Cause in the end i always fall down on my face.
    I either hurt myself or get drunk or high just too sleep so i can last another day.
    The crazy thing is why do people tell themselfs the same lie evry single day .
    The thruth is .
    People like me .
    are doomed to not get old.
    Or be happy.
    No matter what i try.
    i fall down the same rabit hole.
    now its just counting the days down.
    Till my other me is coming out of the shadows again and take control.
    I hope im right and that becouse im suffering.
    Someone else doesnt have to.

    But thats proberly a lie too.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I too have borderline, and as much as it sucks we just gotta keep our head above the water. I crave all those things you have, a house, family of your own, car etc.. so your post got me thinking that maybe even if I had those things I wouldn't be happy. I'm sorry you are feeling so crappy! You are not a hypocrite at all, we all say things to others to help them feel better and that is all you are doing because you are a good person and I applaud you for that :)
  3. dontwannabeme

    dontwannabeme Well-Known Member

    thnx petal :) yes sadly i wish having all that stuff fixes it. but it doesnt :(
  4. nothinman81

    nothinman81 Antiquities Friend

    I totally feel everything you've said in your post.

    But may I ask, what is "borderline"?

    I've seen it referenced a couple times. Not sure what it means?
  5. dontwannabeme

    dontwannabeme Well-Known Member

    Borderline is hard too give it a meaning.
    as in diagnosis terms.
    Its a personality disorder.
    i cant remember how many u have too have as in critiria

    (1) frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
    Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.

    (2) a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation

    (3) identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self

    (4) impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, Substance Abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).
    Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.

    (5) recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior

    (6) affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)

    (7) chronic feelings of emptiness

    (8) inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

    (9) transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

    but to be honest.
    i consider borderline a bit as bipolar,
    i find the changing of mood swings really hard,
    the suicidal tendancies aswel and that i have no idea who i am.

    For evryone borderline feels different.

    I do want to say a important thing about borderliners :)
    As alot of people think there bad and toxic and stuff,
    u got 2 kinds.
    lashing out borderliners and borderlines that act out too themselfs.