I just realized I'm evil and don't deserve to live

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Kalak, Dec 28, 2006.

  1. Kalak

    Kalak Member

    This is rather difficult for me to say, but I'll try anyway:

    This evening I realized I am a disgusting and evil excuse for a human being.
    Towards others I pretend I'm apathic or even a bit caring, but that is all a lie.
    I'm filled with hatred towards everyone and everything. Evil thoughts continuously run through my mind. If I were to expose my true self I'd probably be banned from this forum and kicked out of the house by my parents.

    I don't even feel bad about having these thoughts. What I feel bad about is pretending to be someone I am not. And being frustrated because I'm powerless to act on these thoughts.

    Is this normal? Do other people feel like this?
    I doubt it, I feel like I'm the most evil human being ever.
    I don't know how to handle these thoughts :( Please help.

    I can't tell this to my therapist. I like her and I want her to like me.
    I think if I were religious I'd go to a priest and try to get an exorcism or something :\
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    hun you have to tell your therapist.
    Bad thoughts of feeling evil and wanting to hurt people are suppressed anger. She won't dislike you because of them, but she will want to know to enable you to work thru the thoughts and feelings.

    one thing struck me, you said : "I think if I were religious I'd go to a priest and try to get an exorcism or something"

    I had a breakdown many years ago and at it's peak I thought I was possessed..guess what I WAS JUST VERY VERY ANGRY.

    Tell her what's is going on, she can only help when she has all the facts.
  3. Raven

    Raven Guest

    There are so many people I would love to strangle in my day-to-day life its not even funny. I know where you are coming from and trust me some of these thoughts are normal (at least to me) however I would agree with what has been said, talk to your therapist about what you are feeling. However I do not think that being apathetic, or even worse down right hostile towards people makes you evil, if it does then I am right up their with you and so are many of the people I know. As long as you do not act and cause harm to people then your thoughts are your own, and no one should be condemned for them.

  4. TheBLA

    TheBLA The biggest loser alive.

    Whew, I've had feelings of wanting to kill so many people as well, don't think I could ever do it but the thoughts alone I suppose are signs that I need help, but I don't think I could tell me therapist or anyone like that, afraid of getting in trouble, getting locked up and feeling even worse than I do now. :unsure:
  5. EnslavedByTruth

    EnslavedByTruth New Member

    I'm the same here. I feel like I'm an extremly egoistical person and I feel I'm fake when I act nice. I used to be the nice guy, always helping people around but that changed a bit now.
  6. Kalak

    Kalak Member

    Well, I told it to a therapist (not my usual one), but she didn't really understand what I was trying to say. She mostly focused on my suicidal thoughts. That didn't help much because now I'm feeling all suicidal again :(
  7. MrDepressed

    MrDepressed Guest

    I think it is wise for you to confide in someone.. therapist would be a good place... if you let these thoughts fester they may grow worse or you may start acting on them.. set up some safety guards so this does not happen.. as a child I use to get morbid thoughts of harming others and myself, but since I have grown out of it.. I also have a friend that I can confide anything to and that has helped alot.. stay safe and make the smart choice here...
  8. TheBLA

    TheBLA The biggest loser alive.

    I'm not sure if you can be so evil as you claim Kalak, if these feelings of hurting people and whatnot is making you feel bad, then there has to be some good in you right? Right?
    I dunno, I never want anyone to think of me as a monster, but I keep feeling like hurting and killing a lot of people, because I'm inferior to all of them, but they don't deserve to suffer just because I'm inferior to them, fuck I'm inferior to everyone.
    I just don't feel that your evil as you think you are Kalak and I'm feeling really rotten and suicidal myself right now. Fuck, fuckity fuck.
  9. bipolarkitty

    bipolarkitty Well-Known Member

    If your thoughts make you evil, then I think the entire population of the world would be in big trouble. :biggrin:

    Just because you have those thoughts and feelings, doesn't make you evil. It's your actions that count. No one's thoughts could hold up to scrutiny. I know mine certainly couldn't. I wouldn't be surprised in the least if most of the people here think "if they only knew the real me, what was going through my head, I'd be banned for life". I know I've felt that way a lot.

    Btw, my husband says he fantasizes about hurting and killing people all the time, yet he's never hurt anyone, no matter what thoughts go through his head. And I don't think he's evil. I think he's normal. Definitely more normal than me, lol.

    As far as worrying about what your therapist would think if she knew... I've yet to find one that I could shock by anything I've said. And I've been known to try to trip them up. :tongue: She's probably heard it all, and even if she hasn't, if she's competent then she won't let her feelings get in the way of your treatment. She'll recognize it for what it is - thoughts and nothing more.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 30, 2006
  10. Kalak

    Kalak Member

    Yes, I'm a bit afraid that I will act on them, I feel like the only thing stopping me is the lack of energy and courage... Maybe it'll go away if I can really talk to my therapist about it. I hope so, atleast.

    And thanks for all the replies.