I just registered here...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Mikan, Aug 8, 2013.

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  1. Mikan

    Mikan New Member

    Im a 22 year old girl who moved to China because my own country is a dead end for young people who just graduated. Ive been living here for one year to study chinese and living at the same time with my bf. Ive been depressed since I was 18 (when my long time friend, my dog, died after 15 years with me). Since I was 10 Ive been home alone for many hours every day, having no one to talk to, just my friend. My relationship with my mother was never the best and she is the reason why I dont want ever to have kids of my own. My brother was diagnosed with a brain tumor and his mental state is also pretty bad. When I met my bf i thought for some time that he would save me from my depression... and I was very happy for a while and I forgot it. But now its back... im in a 13 hour plane distance from my country, i cant find a job because I dont like the jobs im offered or because I have no qualifications for it, my dream job is impossible to achieve without money (i wanted to be a professional photographer), I have no special skills or talents... my bf found a job he loves to do and it made us move cities again. I have to get used again to this new city, Im again constantly home alone, i cant go back to my country because my parents will blame me if my bf feels sorry for me and quits his job to go back with me... Im stuck. Ive been crying everyday, I dont smile, I dont want to eat, I dont want to go out and look at peoples faces, I dont want to talk to my parents, his parents... my friends disappeared since I came to China, I dont know anyone here... im completely alone. I thought I was already used to it but I think no one likes being alone... I searched easy ways of suicide but I have no access on the painless and fastest ones... I already injured myself and my bf... I dont want to drag him onto my darkness... he looks so happy with his new job. I envy him... I wanna feel useful and wanted too. Im sorry for the long post...
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi Mikan it must be so hard for you to move all the time Why not get your camera out even a cheap on hun and go take picutres and practice ok with lens with close up etc and see what develops ok Use your time to do something you enjoy Photography you enjoy so just do it as a hobby for now until you can go further with it hugs
     
  3. Mikan

    Mikan New Member

    Thank you for your reply total eclipse... before I was so bad taking pictures would bright up my day and even put a small smile on my face... but now I dont even have the motivation to pick my camera up... Its just worthless...
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    No hun with each trial you will improve it know it is hard but to beat the depression one must try the things that use to bring us joy
     
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