I just thought he was a friend

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by LyannaTargaryen, Jul 23, 2014.

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  1. LyannaTargaryen

    LyannaTargaryen New Member

    I don't really know what to say since i'm new to this, but I think I need to talk about it properly.

    A guy I thought was just a friend locked me in a room pinned me down and even though I was saying "I can't do this" and "I don't want to do this" had sex with me anyway.
    I've told some friends bits of what happened and they asked me do I think he raped me, and I say no. But if i'm being honest I don't know.

    I guess this sounds kind of stupid.
    How can I say I don't know?!

    We used to sort of play fight quite a bit so I never thought anything of it, it was just a laugh.

    He used to flirt, say crude stuff and even be a bit touchy at times, but he did it with everyone so I just kind of ignored it.

    I never thought he would find me to be attractive to even want to do that stuff with.
    When we hung out I would fart around him all the time lol.
    He used to call me fat all the time.
    When around him he even used to ask me girls out in front of me.

    So I just assumed that we were nothing more than just friends.
    Clearly I was just stupid and naive.
    That's why I sometimes think its my fault and that it wasn't rape cos I either turned a blind or maybe I even instigated it.

    He always used to call me fat. I used to get bullied for it a lot and even had an eating disorder, so you can imagine that it used to get on my nerves all the time.
    One time he called me 'Rasputia' (The huge 'woman' in the film norbit)
    It irritated me and I got so angry I felt like hitting him. But instead I sent him a picture.
    It wasn't a nude. It was me in the corset I wore for prom, but instead of the dress part i was just in boxers...
    It was one of those pictures you take to just boost your own self esteem.
    I sent it because I was tired of him calling me fat... I was a size 10 -12 at the time.
    But I suppose no one really knew cos I always wore baggy clothes.

    Maybe he saw that pictures as an invitation saying that I wanted it. I don't know.
    I suppose it was my fault and I shouldn't of just ignored things, or I should fought back harder so that he knew that I wasn't joking.

    I remember feeling like I was worthless, and when I got home I realised I was bleeding. He tried to talk about it but I just changed the subject.
    This happened last year... Since then I deleted him from everything. I don't talk to him at all. When I see him I turn the opposite way or turn my music up in my headphones and pretend I didn't hear him if he calls out to me.

    I'm just so confused

    I suppose I just needed to just let it out
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. You are pretty low at the moment and what the person did was wrong. Firstly, you have DONE NOTHING wrong as you told the person "NO". You are NOT to blame and you were backed into corner with not way out. So you need not beat yourself about it. You need to speak to a helpline or person who specialise in this area and who help you through your crisis.

    The trauma you have experienced is going to be there for a long time and it's going to take time to get over. Please speak to someone or tell your doctor who can speak to you in the strictest confidence. Remember, you are not at fault and you need to keep telling yourself that. You must sever the contact with the third party until you decide on what you going to do.

    You have nothing to be ashamed of and currently you experiencing anguish which you do not deserve. Please keep posting here for support and most important please take care.
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi Lyanna

    Welcome to the forum, it's good to let these thoughts out.
    I am a survivor of abuse so I will give you my take on it. You clearly said to him "I can't do this" and
    "I don't want to do this". So to answer your question, you said no, you didn't want to be intimate with him.
    That is rape. No if buts or doubt about it, it is clearly rape. I am really sorry you have been through this
    ordeal, how terrible. Personally I would report it for 2 reasons.

    1) How do you know he will not do this again?

    2) You do not know if he has or will do this to another person.

    You sent him a picture of you, that is NOT an invitation for him to have involuntary sex with you.

    We're here for you, please try and talk to someone about this, as it could have lasting effects hence
    how you ended up here unfortunately, and I mean that in the nicest way possible.

    Best of luck to you Lyanna.
  4. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    Hi Lyanna,

    I am sorry for what happened to you - and for how confused you feel. Whether or not you sent him photos, regardless of what they showed - whether or not you flirted or play fought, if you said no it rape. There is no "I should have fought harder" or "I should have been clearer" - you said no. Its rape.

    I join Petal in encouraging you to report this - leaving it unreported exposes other girls to the same kind of threat and, worse, leaves him with the impression that it might be okay or that he can get away with and and encouraging him to repeat it. Please go to the police. You have nothing to feel bad or confused about.

    Take care :hug:
  5. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Like all others said, no means end of it. Its very difficult to deal with betrayal especially from someone you know and no matter what you did it still was not your fault.

    Talking about what happened does help. Have you talked to someone about this? Its a huge burden to go through alone.
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