I just wanna be me again..

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Unknown_Entity_xO, Nov 13, 2010.

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  1. Maybe triggering? Caution.

    Am I asking for too much? In all honesty?

    I used to be naturally smiley, cheerful, happy, optimistic etc, now i'm just a loser, a waste of space, kinda a screwup, I can't even do basic things right nowadays.

    Me in summary: Depression, cutting, and a few crappy suicide attempts (I can't even do this right)..

    I've been trying this therapy thing for nearly 3 years now (I'm 18 now 19 in a few months), along with medication now and again and I dunno, the fight in me's drawing to a close.

    I miss me so much, I look at myself now and I don't even know who I am.

    My therapist hes alright, but I just can't be straightforward with him, the other week I wanted to tell him that I tried to attempt again, when he went to ask me how I was doing (which is routine at the start of the session) I just lied and smiled (cos i'm fake) and said I was fine.

    I dunno how to tell him, that i'm not fine, I feel weak,helpless, thoughts are just constantly attacking me, cuttings just meh, I keep trying and it keeps failing..

    I just want these feelings and thoughts to go away..
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    therapy isn't going to work if you can't be honest. maybe you can print out what you wrote here and give it to him. that should start the conversation. maybe you need a different therapist, if you feel that under no circumstances could you open up to him. too soon to quit. you can return to your old self, it's just going to take alot of work.
  3. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Are you asking too much? If you're asking for perpetual happiness then yes, you're asking too much. If you asking to feel better than you do now, then no, you're not asking too much.
    I'm concerned that you're in this much crisis whilst under the care of a therapist. Hasn't he noticed that you're dipping?
    Are you sure that you've got the right diagnosis for your illness?
    You didn't lie to your therapist because you're fake, you did it because you didn't feel comforable in talking about it. It's too hard. That's not a sin and you haven't done anything wrong. You shouldn't be beating yourself up about it, you should just accept that sometimes things are too hard to do. That's why these illnesses are classed as disabilities. They disable us.
    At the moment you're in crisis and if you can phone someone (a helpline so you get a counsellor) then you should do so immediately.
    Otherwise, stay on line and keep talking. Tell us what got you here? xxx
  4. Thanks for the reply. :)

    Yeah I just wanna feel better, I know happiness never really lasts..
    He's kinda noticed but not properly, see I email him now and again and his replies are alright, but hes not really picking up on it I suppose.

    Not his fault I can't talk properly in therapy, see i've only been seeing him since August cos I got transferred to him. I know its trust issues etc, but I just can't open up to people, trust is kinda a big thing for me..

    He said to me depression with bouts of anxiety issues aswell, then theres the self harm and suicide attempts (separate issue right?) but thats what he said as a diagnosis.

    I don't think I can phone a helpline, I really find it hard to talk, by email/typing its alright, but talking I just completely shut down. Thanks for the kind response.

    What got me here? I was feeling kinda desperate and was looking for something (I won't mention what), and came across this forum on my search and thought to give it a go.
  5. Thanks for the response - I do email him now and again telling him what i'm feeling and that but it doesn't seem to be working.

    Maybe I do need a different therapist? But its me, I just find it hard to trust people and open up, I've only known him for a few months but my inability to talk is just making me feel worse.
  6. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i had one therapist last year i totally couldn't open up with. i didn't trust him. it wasn't me, it was him! he was a goof. i got a new therapist that i have been with for 11 months. she is great. we use art, poetry, dreams, and talking to get at my issues. what does your gut tell you about the possibility of opening up in the future? you can always email him ahead of time when you are feeling really brave and see what happens in the session. but if you think it's a dead end then i think a new therapist is in order. it's their job to help you open up. don't blame yourself.
  7. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    If you can't phone a helpline, would you be able to email the Samaritans? They have a email service - you email jo@samaritans.org

    Have a look at their website.

    Instead of talking to your therapist about your problems, start asking him about the diagnosis. What is depression, etc what treatments are there. Learn as much as you can. Make sure that they've come up with the right diagnosis.
    Also, reconsider meds. Work out what went wrong with the meds you were on before and look at what other meds are available.
  8. plshelpme

    plshelpme Well-Known Member

    i have a REALLY hard time TALKING, but i can type whatever...no problem
    so with my FIRST therapist, i ALWAYS typed something out...i would send an email to myself, and then print it out...this way, you're not telling anyone...it's like a journal, kinda...i would take the printout to my therapist...
    i would do this ONCE over the course of a week...i would usually type them at night when i was feeling like crap...and then take it in...they started out really short, but as i got used to it, they became much longer...
    printing it and taking it with you is a way to make the therapist read it in front of you and make him address it immediately...emails are more difficult cuz he would've read it prolly when u sent it...

    good luck...

    or, dazzle is right, and he's not right for you...u may need a different therapist...i think i'm on my 6th or 7th?...the first one worked for me, and i got transferred out...then, i went through 4 or 5 others who did NOT work for me, at all...and finally, the one i am with now, is AMAZING...i've only been with her since august, but she works...
  9. Hmm a few things to consider I suppose. At the moment they are trying to refer me on, again.

    Which being entirely honest, isn't helping me, making new relationships with people I don't know is hard, i've gone through too many therapists. I miss my original therapist I saw her for like 1 and a bit years straight..

    I wish instead of constantly referring me they'd just tell me they can't treat me. I'd rather know that rather than feeling like i'm being strung along. =/

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