I just wanna die...but id rather not. Does that make sense?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Jneedsalifeline, Apr 13, 2009.

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  1. I've suffered from depression pretty much my whole life. I'm thirty years old now and every now and then something happens that triggers me into a downward unbearably painful spiral...which i seem to be in once again...but when im not spiraling downward I'm always just dangling right above the bottomless pit, dipping my feet in and out, if ya know what i mean. I have a loving family of good people that i dont want to put through a suicide so I've decided to join this support forum because only people who know what it feels like to be suicidal can understand what its like and not judge you or roll there eyes at you and just expect you to snap out of it, ya know. If only it were that easy none of us would be in this forum right now. This is my first post ever on any forum across the whole web so go easy on me...im a rookie. This most recent episode happens to involve a girl i was dating off and on for four years who is bipolar with psychotic features....Im not...i just suffer from depression. My choice of a girlfriend there shows that depression messes up your judgement severely. Anyways this girl has completely just ruined me inside and out and has made my depression so much worse than it ever was. I'm not talking to her anymore but shes just made it so hard for me to go on living. She basically tore me down to nothing over the four years then spit on my lifeless body and walked on with her life like it was nothing to her. Theres worse things in life but when your in depression everythings magnified ya know and if you have suicidal tendencies to begin with well any more than normal stressful time can plunge you very deep into them, which is where im at. I've had a couple of beers so i hope im kinda making some kind of sense here..i might not be i dont know. My depression makes it hard for me to think. i know thats a side effect of depression too. its like your brain just doesnt really function anymore or something....that alone is hell, so to be able to deal with any stress or pain is almost impossible. This disease is so evil. I joined this forum to get me through this time and to keep me from commiting suicide...and im sure ill be a member for a while. I have a lot to talk about and im kinda excited about being able to talk about it with people who know where im comin from. Any replys I'd like to here from some of yas. I guess this was kind of a venting post..but i guess they all are right.


  2. Noir

    Noir Active Member

    Hey, first off I'd wanna say welcome to SF. But yeah, I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through right now, what exactly DID she do to you to put you in this position? If you don't mind me asking.
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Hey, welcome to the site. Your post did make sense, and I'm glad you joined. The forum is a great place to vent and let everything out.

    I'm sorry the girl you talked about has put you through so much. But you don't have to go through it alone; the people here are great and will be there for you to lean on when you need it.
  4. thankyou... im glad that i joined. Well just so many things...she was just a very sick girl and I got emotionally attached to her which was my mistake. Her mental illnesses just basically made her a very evil person who only really cared about herself. She is a sociopath basically as well. Theres too may bad things that shes done over the four years that i knew her to just scar me basically...i could write a book about all the stuff i swear...and if i do ill give you a free copy lol. Just so many bad memories that are haunting me and ya know whats funny is i think maybe the good memories which there was those too haunt ya maybe a bit more ya know. Im kind of tormented by wanting her to get what she deserves too ya know. but i just gotta sit here and eat it.
  5. Thankyou for replying to my post you guys, it does mean alot to me. I hope to get to a point where i can give people advice on here on there tough times as well. Thankyou again.
  6. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You'll have lots of chances to give advice. But it's okay to be the one needing the advice and support too.
  7. thankyou and thanks for making me feel welcome here. I feel better already just talking to people that understand. So many people just dont....its very hard to find people that really, really understand what its like to be so down and tormented and in so much pain that you start thinking of ending your life.
    Its a terrible place to be. I've had peers of mine kill themselves throughout my lifetime and i gotta say there was a point where i was one of those people that didnt really understand...but now i do. I completely understand what makes people do it.
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