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I just wanna die for Christmas

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Nobodydifferent, Dec 19, 2015.

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  1. Nobodydifferent

    Nobodydifferent Well-Known Member

    That's my honest truth .. And I can't say those words out loud to anyone .. My friends will give me that look and then ask why .. What's so wrong with your life .. My mother will just tell me 'oh stop it' my therapist will either lock me away or make me meditate because that's her answer for everything ..

    But that's what I want . To die ..

    And I can't .. I have a son and I can't do that to him ..

    But here's the scary truth .. I've always wanted to die and always said I coudlnt because of my son .. But that testimony .. That I can't because of my child id becoming less of a powerful statement and more like a whisper .. More likes I can't ? Cause of my son .. Right ?

    Having to live is making me physically sick .. I have headaches every day .. I feel nauseas .. I don't eat .. I don't sleep ..

    And nothing will shake this feeling .. Not my therapy .. Not a pill .. Nothing nexus we death has been my friend living inside me for over 20 years ..

    I hate this so much
    2 people like this.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there and welcome to the forum. Suicide should never be considered an option or solution to anything. Have you been in a psychiatric ward before? I agree with your therapist that meditating is good, it helps me a lot but I guess everyone is different. If nothing seems to be helping then going back to the doctor and telling them is the right thing to do.

    Are you medicated? It can take YEARS to find the right medicine, took me a good couple of years. It was very hard and stressful but got results in the end from therapy and medications. Maybe changing therapists could help you. Is that an option for you? I really do feel for you and what you are going through but you have made your first step to recovery by posting your thoughts here. You wouldn't be posting them if you didn't feel it would be worth it. I wish you all the best!!
    4 people like this.
  3. Nobodydifferent

    Nobodydifferent Well-Known Member

    I've been in And out of therapy since I was 11 .. And in and out of hospitals .. On meds off meds .. The whole 9 .. Nothing has helped .. It's starting to feel like a lost cause
  4. I understand what you're saying, because I've been there. I've struggled with depression and suicidal ideation since I was a teenager. I'm 40 years old now and am finally beginning to see a future that is not filled with total hopelessness. I'm not saying that life is now perfect and filled with happiness, but things are getting better. This can happen for you as well. I don't claim to have the formula for happiness, but I was for so many years longing for death, but not now. I hope that you continue to hang on.
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    No, you're not a lost cause. I think it might be a good idea is your therapist spoke with your mom (nothing that is confidential of course) but for her to explain to her your condition and the seriousness of it. I have been where you are, I repeat this over and over lately but I attempted in 2011 and was put on life support, on a ventilator, I couldn't breathe on my own, it was hell for my family, fortunately and (obviously) I woke up from the coma. I thought there was no cure for me but with time and effort, my hard work paid off. I was seeking a psych nurse numerous times a week, therapy either once or twice a week, a psychiatrist on a weekly basis and my doctor twice a week, I was high risk, I helped myself get out of the darkness and saw the light. You CAN do this too.
    If you think anything could help you, what would it be?
  6. Nobodydifferent

    Nobodydifferent Well-Known Member

    That gives me a bit of hope , I'm
    36 I've always been bi polar and I could I guess control my ups and downs but over time life got worse and my control got worse . I'm glad to hear things got better for you .. Because the idea of living like this forever is exhausting.!
    I would never include my mother .. She's half the reason I need a therapist lol.. I'm 36 . I come from a father who killed himself and for a long time my goes was to be like him . Priorities changed when I had my son . But the last five years my life has fallen apart one things after another and I start to wonder if I even am a good example on my son ? Is his crazy mother what he needs or is it just setting him up for years of therapy for Come ?

    I just feel really Alone right now my family all moved away . My friend don't get it and honestly aren't the best of people and I'm singe for the first time in a long time so for my brain to be cracking at the same time and to be alone .. It's hard !
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    You can talk to us here, we understand. We do not judge and you can speak freely here about how you are doing. If your friend doesn't understand then just let it slip by. Not everyone understands mental illness, they can find it hard to grasp it. Know that we are here for you,and if you want to talk on the phone the samaritans are excellent trained volunteers. I wish I could take your pain away. ((hugs))
  8. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Bipolar is a horrible disease and is something I also struggle with on a daily basis. I find that with each episode it becomes more crippling debilitating, especially the depressions. I've recently just come through the other side of the worst depression I've ever had, but I am full of dread and I am already waiting for the next one. And I haven't recovered from it completely. I still think of suicide on a daily basis. Somehow I just find the strength to carry on although it hurts so much, physically and mentally. Just wanted you to know that you're not alone.
  9. Nobodydifferent

    Nobodydifferent Well-Known Member

    Thank you.!
  10. Nobodydifferent

    Nobodydifferent Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your reply .. It does seem like each episode is getting longer and longer . I use to be able to pull myself out much easier now it seems like I'm dragging though quicksand ..Im glad to know I'm not alone .. Even tho I hate to hear anyone feels like this !
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