i just want a way out .

i wish there's a way out ,
from a process just from depression to diagnosis with servial mental illness .
i waited and waited ,
i followed the guide and every single step they asked me to take ,
i took the pills as they required ,
i attend group and thearpy even i was extremely anxious ,
i listen and i speak , about my problem and their suggestion ,

what did i get ?
my life is even more fuck up .
sometime i wonder if i never get admitted into the hospital would all this shit happen to me ,
or if it is just me being a childish ,selfish bitch ,hurting everyone around me.
i thought things couldnt get any more worse ,i was wrong .
just one attampt to escape , i made the error i can never fix. and it is all my fault .


spending 5 hours per day in bath , the rest sleeping and in depressed mode , unwilling to do anything unless on sugar rush , college is the only thing that could get me up and about , and i m missing lesson regularly . having agression verbal outburst randomly , flashbacks and nightmare . constant panic attack , the fact that knowing it is your own fault really doesnt help and you are burden with guilt and pains .

yes , that is how my lifes going to get. failure , i tried and i tried ,
and i m fed up , i m tired of being tired , i m tired of being such a failure , i m tired of bring pains to all those around me , i m tired of constant panic attack , i m tired of knowing there isnt aything to look forward to in my furture , i m tired of pains , tired of suffering . i m tired of myself .

i just want a way out .
i wishes there's a way out .

 

There is a way out, but not this way.

 

Need to talk to your doctor tell him how it is and get your meds changed or upped talk to your therapist get them to hear you okay don't stay stuck where you are Go into hospital talk to someone there but do something to help you okay tell them meds are not working and you need help

 

i have social anxiety disorder in particular with dealing with phone ,stranger and group , so i cant call anyone up at all , or make any appointment. it is terrible i know and i should just go for it , but i just couldnt i got stumble when i speak to people and i cant respond very well because i got too nervous and i forgot what need to be said , even if i have notes with me , i had contact with my teacher via email but that is as far as it can go , none of my doc or psy can have email aviable instead of phone . there's crisis line but again , i cant call at all .

 

You could write and post your doctor a letter explaining you situation and everything and ask that they respond back by letter. At least that way you would be in contact with some kind of support even if it's a slower process. I suspect the fact that you are doing something would feel a bit better so less worrying.