I am just too tired of everything, I am TIRED, I am totally destroyed, beaten, I GIVE UP, I GIVE UP LIFE. My whole life has ALWAYS been so fucked up beyond redemption. Since I was kid I was NEVER healthy, I had so many health problems I dont know how am I living anymore, I was born with immunodeficiency, I survived 2 times salmonella in a row, I almost went deaf, I had so many respiratory problems, problems with my genitals EVERYTHING FUCKED UP. When I finnally cure one problem another TWO FUCKING COME!!!!!!!!!!! I sport, I run, I swim, I work out but my body still DOESNT LISTEN TO ME, I even have fucking chronic lyme disease, it makes me totally numb, problems with concentration, I have problems with breathing, because some fucked up bitch cant recognise lyme disease between a stupid epidermis fucking bitch, she should just DIE again and again. I have NEVER had peace home, my father is total nutjob, luckily mother is really great, but to see her in PAIN, because of my DUMBASS FATHER, is just making me mad, I had so many times had to protect my mother from his retardness...I would just hit him so many times but he is mine FUCKING father and I have nowhere to go...My grandmother is the sickest vile example of venomous person on the planet, she drinks, she hates, she doesnt care, she is swine, she spreads all the diseases known to man, yet my father WONT do anything because he is totally incompetent. The worst of all is MY BROTHER....he is seriously ill, I have seen him dying before my very own eyes, THE PAIN, THE SCREAMING, I couldnt even sleep, I was there 24/7 by him to calm him down I had to skip school sometimes because of him, he is the only thing that matters to me on this motherfucking place called earth. The pain, to see him in so much pain and you cant do nothing, NOTHING...IT destroys you, it........just tears you apart, luckily one doctor saved him, but he is left with ileostomy, so he is crippled...but alive, luckily they will connect his intestines together, but the operation is DANGEROUS....SO WHY THE FUCK, WHY , WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY, WHY CANT HE HAVE NORMAL LIFE, THE ONLY MOTHERFUCKING THING IN MY LIFE THAT MATTERS TO ME MAY GO AWAY....I TRY everyday to make him happy, I try...MY FUCKING FATHER DIDNT GIVE A FUCK WHEN HE WAS DYING IN FRONT OF ME FUCK HIM....but the tought of going trough the hell and brimstone of 4 years of utter pain agony and seeing him slowly dying in front of me again....I....I dont know if I can handle it again.....if thats not all, my grandfather has cancer, yes he was alcoholic, but a good person, he did everything for my mother and uncles...yet THEY FUCK ON HIM, THEY DONT CARE THEY JUST USE HIM, LIKE FUCKING VILE POISONOUS VENOMOUS SNAKES....ITS JUST HEARTHBREAKING, I try to make his life easier with my mother....but to see the dullness in his eyes....ITS SO MUCH HEARTHSHATTERING, IT JUST LITERALLY RIPS YOUR SOUL APART....and he is alone, because grandmother, died....she was such good person yet again THEY LET HER DIE, EVERYONE FROM DOCTORS TO MY GODDAMN FAMILY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SEEING HER NOT REMEMBERING ANYTHING? IN PAIN, ITS.....SO MUCH OHRRIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have tried to help her, but....YOU CANT, THERE IS NOTHING TO DO.....Every relationship I had was one big fiasco, all the women just played with my emotions, just played with me, cheated on me, played push and pull, didnt care at all....ALL WERE FUCKING *****S!!!!!!!!!!!! I never met one woman that doesnt manipulate or decieve....none....no fucking I love you, no fucking hug or its gonna be ok...NO ITS ALL ABOUT THEM!!!!!! They just go for my looks or I dont know, many have said I look really handsome, well built BUT WHATS IT GOOD FOR IF YOU DONT HAVE ANYONE TO CARE ABOUT YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I see all those pathetic losers having great girlfriends, holding them in the worst sitautions, but me I WAS ALWAYS ALONE TROUGH THE DIPSHIT I WENT TROUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALWAYS ALONE AND USED......I cant even feel anything for anyone anymore, I am so emotionally scarred I...I dont WANT TO FEEL ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!! No one cared for me, never....only my friends, but when I told them what I went trough, they were just horrified....those eyes, the fear in those eyes,.....they didnt knew what to do or how to help me, but I thank them for trying...the another thing that kept me up was my cat...but guess what SHE DIED IN THE MOST HORRIBLE DEATH, RENAL KIDNEY FAILURE FUCK YOU LIFE FUCK YOU....All I see are scum, everyone just decieves, lies, everyone just wants money, everyone cares about them....I even dont have ANY future, the only future for me is going to fucking oil fields, I am studying engineering, but I HAVE NO FUCKING LUCK, everything jsut fucks up, I am failing, FAILING IT....to talk about luck I NEVER HAD ONE, everything I do JUST FUCKS UP, I NEVER HAD LUCK IN ANYTHING, the only luck I have is my brother....BUT HE ALMOST LEFT ME SO FUCK YOU LUCK HOPE YOU DIE FUCK YOU FUCK YOU...I dont want to live on this putrid stinking hellhole called earth. Gods biggest mistake was to create humans at first place.....I just want to join french foreign legion, sign that goddamn 5 years contract paper and GO TO FUCKING FRENCH GUYANA, TO FUCKING SHOOT EVERYTHING THAT MOVES AND AT THE END BE SHOT BY SOME FUCKING ASSHOLE RIGHT INTO MY BRAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I JUST WANT IT TO END I DONT WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE, I HATE THIS WORLD, I HATE EVERYTHING.........I JUST WANT TO HAVE PEACE...and the only peace is death, the true peace....for me death is the beautifull and I am just 20 years old...and all this shit happened....I always seen those movies, where they had to take care of someone sick...I thought it would never happen, I prayed that it wont happen...but IT DID, BECAUSE I WAS ALWAYS GOOD TO PEOPLE, BECAUSE I ALWAYS HELD MORALS, I ALWAYS HONORED OTHER....maybe God wants me to go back to him......but one thing is sure I WANT PEACE I WANT PEACE....PEACE...PEACE..........My friend was in french foreign legion, I will ask him how to get there and do and I am finnally getting FREEEEEEEEEEEEE FROM THIS HELL, I WILL EITHER JOIN OR DIE TRYING.....I will leave this world how I joined it TROUGH BLOOD, because THATS WHAT LIFE WANTS AND I WILL GIVE IT TO HIM!!!!!! I GIVE UP I FUUUUUUUUUUUCKIIIIINNG GIIIIIIIIIIIVEEEEEEEEE UPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!