I just want it to have peace

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Somedude11, Apr 25, 2013.

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  1. Somedude11

    Somedude11 Member

    I am just too tired of everything, I am TIRED, I am totally destroyed, beaten, I GIVE UP, I GIVE UP LIFE. My whole life has ALWAYS been so fucked up beyond redemption. Since I was kid I was NEVER healthy, I had so many health problems I dont know how am I living anymore, I was born with immunodeficiency, I survived 2 times salmonella in a row, I almost went deaf, I had so many respiratory problems, problems with my genitals EVERYTHING FUCKED UP. When I finnally cure one problem another TWO FUCKING COME!!!!!!!!!!! I sport, I run, I swim, I work out but my body still DOESNT LISTEN TO ME, I even have fucking chronic lyme disease, it makes me totally numb, problems with concentration, I have problems with breathing, because some fucked up bitch cant recognise lyme disease between a stupid epidermis fucking bitch, she should just DIE again and again. I have NEVER had peace home, my father is total nutjob, luckily mother is really great, but to see her in PAIN, because of my DUMBASS FATHER, is just making me mad, I had so many times had to protect my mother from his retardness...I would just hit him so many times but he is mine FUCKING father and I have nowhere to go...My grandmother is the sickest vile example of venomous person on the planet, she drinks, she hates, she doesnt care, she is swine, she spreads all the diseases known to man, yet my father WONT do anything because he is totally incompetent. The worst of all is MY BROTHER....he is seriously ill, I have seen him dying before my very own eyes, THE PAIN, THE SCREAMING, I couldnt even sleep, I was there 24/7 by him to calm him down I had to skip school sometimes because of him, he is the only thing that matters to me on this motherfucking place called earth. The pain, to see him in so much pain and you cant do nothing, NOTHING...IT destroys you, it........just tears you apart, luckily one doctor saved him, but he is left with ileostomy, so he is crippled...but alive, luckily they will connect his intestines together, but the operation is DANGEROUS....SO WHY THE FUCK, WHY , WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY, WHY CANT HE HAVE NORMAL LIFE, THE ONLY MOTHERFUCKING THING IN MY LIFE THAT MATTERS TO ME MAY GO AWAY....I TRY everyday to make him happy, I try...MY FUCKING FATHER DIDNT GIVE A FUCK WHEN HE WAS DYING IN FRONT OF ME FUCK HIM....but the tought of going trough the hell and brimstone of 4 years of utter pain agony and seeing him slowly dying in front of me again....I....I dont know if I can handle it again.....if thats not all, my grandfather has cancer, yes he was alcoholic, but a good person, he did everything for my mother and uncles...yet THEY FUCK ON HIM, THEY DONT CARE THEY JUST USE HIM, LIKE FUCKING VILE POISONOUS VENOMOUS SNAKES....ITS JUST HEARTHBREAKING, I try to make his life easier with my mother....but to see the dullness in his eyes....ITS SO MUCH HEARTHSHATTERING, IT JUST LITERALLY RIPS YOUR SOUL APART....and he is alone, because grandmother, died....she was such good person yet again THEY LET HER DIE, EVERYONE FROM DOCTORS TO MY GODDAMN FAMILY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SEEING HER NOT REMEMBERING ANYTHING? IN PAIN, ITS.....SO MUCH OHRRIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have tried to help her, but....YOU CANT, THERE IS NOTHING TO DO.....Every relationship I had was one big fiasco, all the women just played with my emotions, just played with me, cheated on me, played push and pull, didnt care at all....ALL WERE FUCKING *****S!!!!!!!!!!!! I never met one woman that doesnt manipulate or decieve....none....no fucking I love you, no fucking hug or its gonna be ok...NO ITS ALL ABOUT THEM!!!!!! They just go for my looks or I dont know, many have said I look really handsome, well built BUT WHATS IT GOOD FOR IF YOU DONT HAVE ANYONE TO CARE ABOUT YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I see all those pathetic losers having great girlfriends, holding them in the worst sitautions, but me I WAS ALWAYS ALONE TROUGH THE DIPSHIT I WENT TROUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALWAYS ALONE AND USED......I cant even feel anything for anyone anymore, I am so emotionally scarred I...I dont WANT TO FEEL ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!! No one cared for me, never....only my friends, but when I told them what I went trough, they were just horrified....those eyes, the fear in those eyes,.....they didnt knew what to do or how to help me, but I thank them for trying...the another thing that kept me up was my cat...but guess what SHE DIED IN THE MOST HORRIBLE DEATH, RENAL KIDNEY FAILURE FUCK YOU LIFE FUCK YOU....All I see are scum, everyone just decieves, lies, everyone just wants money, everyone cares about them....I even dont have ANY future, the only future for me is going to fucking oil fields, I am studying engineering, but I HAVE NO FUCKING LUCK, everything jsut fucks up, I am failing, FAILING IT....to talk about luck I NEVER HAD ONE, everything I do JUST FUCKS UP, I NEVER HAD LUCK IN ANYTHING, the only luck I have is my brother....BUT HE ALMOST LEFT ME SO FUCK YOU LUCK HOPE YOU DIE FUCK YOU FUCK YOU...I dont want to live on this putrid stinking hellhole called earth. Gods biggest mistake was to create humans at first place.....I just want to join french foreign legion, sign that goddamn 5 years contract paper and GO TO FUCKING FRENCH GUYANA, TO FUCKING SHOOT EVERYTHING THAT MOVES AND AT THE END BE SHOT BY SOME FUCKING ASSHOLE RIGHT INTO MY BRAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I JUST WANT IT TO END I DONT WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE, I HATE THIS WORLD, I HATE EVERYTHING.........I JUST WANT TO HAVE PEACE...and the only peace is death, the true peace....for me death is the beautifull and I am just 20 years old...and all this shit happened....I always seen those movies, where they had to take care of someone sick...I thought it would never happen, I prayed that it wont happen...but IT DID, BECAUSE I WAS ALWAYS GOOD TO PEOPLE, BECAUSE I ALWAYS HELD MORALS, I ALWAYS HONORED OTHER....maybe God wants me to go back to him......but one thing is sure I WANT PEACE I WANT PEACE....PEACE...PEACE..........My friend was in french foreign legion, I will ask him how to get there and do and I am finnally getting FREEEEEEEEEEEEE FROM THIS HELL, I WILL EITHER JOIN OR DIE TRYING.....I will leave this world how I joined it TROUGH BLOOD, because THATS WHAT LIFE WANTS AND I WILL GIVE IT TO HIM!!!!!! I GIVE UP I FUUUUUUUUUUUCKIIIIINNG GIIIIIIIIIIIVEEEEEEEEE UPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 25, 2013
  2. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    You're clearly very angry and very unhappy. Your family sounds as if many if not all have problems dealing with other people and life. Do you want to be different or like them? Being different to your father needs you to calm down and stop shouting. You can be different, you can have a worthwhile life but you'll need to seek treatment and work for it. Incidentally enlisting in the French Foreign Legion will be as tedious and chore ridden as any other army though recruits are taught fluent idiomatic French.
     
  3. Somedude11

    Somedude11 Member

    No treatment will change the real hard facts...you dont know what it is to see only death in your life, only suffering, the only good emotion you feel is laughter. Can you even imagine what it is to see your loved ones see slowly die??? To see them from healthy individual to change them into walking skeleton beging for death??? I sick and tired, I want it to end....if something good happens, it automatically turns into something horrible. You dont know what it is to have constant streak of bad luck, you dont know what it is to be unloved, to feel like a dirtbag, no not to feel but to KNOW you are nothing in this world...when people talk to me about their problems, like their girlfriend left them or father wants them to go college....I just laugh inside me. I just wish I had these problems...but no, I cant have ANY SINGLE DAY peacefull, everyday something happens, I cant have normal sleep, there is always shouting, someone is angry, something bad happens or someone is in pain. I dont even see any purpose to life, its just so unfair, all those assholes and pricks get everything they want, they are soo happy, they have absolutely no problems....and those good hearted get ripped, used and beaten, because they care, because they are normal, but they dont last and become bitter like the latter....everyone has masks, everyone is hiding their true self, because of the evil in this world...SO WHATS THE POINT!!!! I dont want to play this masquerade called "life". Everyone is so false, except few exceptions...who will in the time become false....the world should have ended, I have nothing to lose, I would be only happy, for the peace. You dont know the price of peace....I want to leave this Godforsaken world, with erased history and everything I want to leave it all behind and just get shot somewhere in the jungle.... At least in French foreign legion I will have some kind of pseudo family, at least SOMETHING....
     
  4. katrina77

    katrina77 Guest

    You're right. Life usually isn't fair. And yes, it does seem as though some people just go through life golden, although who knows what demons they deal with on the inside.

    But the kind of anger you have isn't helping you. And before you start, yes I do know what much of what you are going through is like. I have a lifelong lymphatic disorder that has prevented me from living anything that comes close to a normal life. I am very limited in what I can do, and have spent much of my time in hospitals and doctor's offices, and have extreme pain all the time. And worst of all, my son has the same disorder, and has suffered greatly. He also has not been able to lead anything close to a normal life either, and it breaks my heart.

    And yes, I went through extreme childhood abuse, which includes being hospitalized for stitches. And I have spent a lot of time being angry. But you know what, it doesn't change a damn thing. It just makes you feel worse.

    You need to find a way to get past the anger, and do what you can with your life. Be there for your mom and brother the best you can, but know that ultimately we cannot control what happens. Work on what you can, and find a way to let the rest go. You'll be better off if you can.
     
  5. Somedude11

    Somedude11 Member

    I am not angry....I am desperate, I am broken,I am so frustrated.....when the horror doesnt end it only goes on and on and on and it adds and adds and you dont see any light. Everything just gets worse and worse, even if it happens to be peacefull, then its only to catch me unguarded...

    At least you know what it is to constantly feel pain, to be totally battered to the point you start ignoring even your basic emotions...I am sorry for your disease, but what can you do? Nothing, you at least understand the hoplesness. The hopelesness when you see your loved ones begging for death, to see them going psychotic from the pain, to them trying to bang their head on the wall just to kill themselves, you can only hold their head, but they start to cry and there is no one to help you, the man who should do something runs away and you are awake whole night, calming him down, saying him everything will be ok when you know it will never be the same, the hopelesness....that you can do nothing, you just watch every single day for four years....and there is no time to rest, there is too much going on....you just cant sit idly....you have to do something, even when there is nothing to do....and the worse thing is when your body fails you and you just watch and watch, you just want to move but you cant, you crawl from your last strength just to do anything, but....its too much....

    When I was younger I was bullied, you know why?? Because I helped the weaker, the bullies started bullying me instead of him. Luckily I was able to always fend off....but what was the price, the weaker didnt thank you and you got bullied...I kept beating them but they came back and back...but I know I did the right thing and I would DO IT AGAIN....

    All I want in this miserable life is peace, just to sit down and take a deep breath....but I CANT, if I do, the problems only rise so much....that it wont be worth it. The only peace I will ever get is death, the only thing....truly nothing is better than something, the blisfull nothing, the peace. Truly to care is the biggest burden you can take, to love others is the biggest sacrifice you can make....and you get nothing in return....I just hope that after all of this I will finally have peace either in heaven or eternal damnation....I dont care I just want it to end....

    The only way to get past the anger is to get out of desperation and I cant acomplish that when everything just craps up, I cant get out of it until I take a rest and replenish strength, everything has its limits and I think I hit the rock bottom...but how can you replenish strength when there is no one for you? When others depend on you? When there is no one to lean on to? The friends who I told part of this were so shocked, they didnt knew what to do....they were more afraid then I was....so where can I lean on??? A simple hug or thank you or I care about you can change alot....BUT I NEVER HEARD ANY OF IT NEVER!!!!!!! Everyone is just so full of himself or they just cant express anything at all....when all the "girlfriends" I had, couldnt even care about me, they all just manipulated me....because I was too naive to believe that there is something as relationship....I dont even believe in that anymore....all I see is women are with men because of sex and money....and men are with women because they want sex and are again afraid to be alone....its just one big hoax, no one truly cares, they just say they care, but they only THINK of themselves in the firstplace, then if they can gain second....no one truly genuine loves eachother.....no one, everyone is just in it for themselves...SO WHATS THE POINT!!!!!!!!!
     
  6. katrina77

    katrina77 Guest

    I'm sorry to argue with you, but yes, you are very angry. You can label it frustration, desperation, etc., but it boils down to the same thing.

    First of all, no, not every one is in it for themselves. And yes, love does truly exist. I love my son, and would die for him without hesitation. I know he feels the same for me. I know a lot of people who feel that way towards their kids, their spouses, etc. And what about the first responders who rush in to save others in a disaster, knowing that they may be giving their life in the process? Of course there are people who care.

    And yes, sticking up for others is the right thing to do, but you usually don't get any thanks. But then you shouldn't be doing it for that reason. We do selfless things because it makes us happy to do so, not to get something in return.

    Sometimes it does feel as though the sh** keeps hitting the fan. I just found out I have Crohns in addition to everything else. And I can't afford to seek appropriate treatment. Oh well. I will keep fighting, because personally, I will not let the shrt storm win.

    And there are others who have it worse than me. The family that lost one son in the Boston bombing, while another of their kids lost a leg, and the mom got severe brain damage. They have it worse.

    Growing up in hospitals and oncology clinics, I watched a lot of kids die. I will always be haunted by the pain in their parents eyes. They did not have a choice in whether they lived or died, they fought as hard as they could, and still lost. So, how can I give up?

    You have a choice, you can give in to the frustration, anger, etc., or you can fight. You will die someday, that is inevitable. But for today, you can keep trying to make the world a better place, be there for your mom and brother, or you can give up. As for me, I'm going to keep fighting. I hope you will do the same.
     
  7. Somedude11

    Somedude11 Member

    I said that the anger comes from desperation, from frustration...do you even read what I write?

    Yes I believe love exists, but the "love" between partners for me doesnt exist....as I said everyone is only after sex and when they are too old its just they dont want to be alone....its just me me me me me....the only real love is for your offspring, for your blood, for God....nothing else....for me love is NOT an emotion, its a state of being, its when you will honor the other person, you will be loyal, when you will protect them, you will help them to grow, you will be there for them, listen to them, even when you dont "feel" anything, you are THERE, you WONT LEAVE THEM BEHIND, because you CARE, the biggest sacrifice you can do, is to care for someone.....but relationships....just look at them....its all about fear, money and sex nothing ELSE....it makes me sick......there are worse things in life than death

    So you know what crohns disease is? You know what pain, what utter pain one can go trough....you know what really helped my brother, alternative medicine, if it werent for it, he would be 2m underground alot earlier...alternatives are alot cheaper if you know wich, so try it you wont be sorry....if you would like I could help you with the alternatives, believe me I have ALOT experience thanks to my brother + I am kind of medicine enthusiastic, I even tried to study medicine, but It was mainly because of my brother....but I didnt make the entry tests, what do you want when I never seen biology and chemistry? I wanted to try it next year, but....life is life and I couldnt cure those bastards I would just drug them to death....so maybe I am not meant to be doctor oh well, but I still love medicine, in my free time I read articles, study etc. even though I study engineering....

    So you know what it is to always be at doctor, or hospital...to see those people suffering.....I just became so cold because of all of that....sometimes I scare myself...I am just so emotionally numb after all of this I dont know If I can go back, you know its like a permanent scar wich will change you forever....so you know what it is to see the hopelesness in their eyes, to see them destroyed, sucked dry from life, so you know what it is...so you know how it can be life draining, soul shattering....

    I just want peace....I would need at least a year off to revitalize myself...but I cant get a dang single day....But I am just tired of being in no think mode nonstop....it helps,but it wont last forever....I just dont know what to do anymore....
     
  8. katrina77

    katrina77 Guest

    Yes, I do read what you write. I'm sorry if I missed something, I am having trouble with my eyes, and sometimes in reading long posts it sort of blurs.

    I've also had a lot of interest in alternative meds. Especially as traditional meds can have so many horrific side effects. I also had an interest in the medical field, but couldn't really follow that dream due to my health. I think it's probably best that I didn't, as I don't think I could have handled watching children be sick, and not always being able to help them.

    I still disagree that relationships have to just be about sex, or not wanting to be alone. I have been married for over 28 years, and although my husband and I have had many problems, mostly due to issues from our childhoods, I have honestly loved my husband, and he has loved me. And yes, I have seen a lot of relationships that are pretty ghastly, and it's easy to become disillusioned.

    I've also been searching for peace. I thought that if I could just get away from everything for awhile, or if the crap storm would just let up for a while, I could find it. But I'm starting to believe more and more that true peace has to come from inside. That it has to happen in spite of the crap storm. That if I am truly at peace, I can have it right in the middle of the crap storm, and I don't have to wait for a time when everything is going okay, as that doesn't seem to happen. I know I've seen other people who have been able to retain their peace, even when their lives were in utter turmoil, and they were going through things that would have taken me completely out. I guess that is what I am searching for now, that peace that stays with me no matter what is going on. They say that God gives us that peace, so I'm trying to reconnect with that part of myself. And since it's tough for me to get away, I'm trying to just go outside and sit in the sun for a few minutes, etc.

    I just don't want to let the bad stuff win. Hope that makes sense.
     
  9. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    You are 20 , not a child -- you can just leave and go do something. I am sorry but blaming family/ father (who happens to sound like an asshole) and then staying because you have nowhere to go is putting your life in there hands and accepting the treatment. I am not sure about french foreign legion but military, peace corps , volunteer organizations - there are ways you can go. Work for 2 months at fast food place as many hours as can and save checks then go cash them and leave ... As long as a person is living off somebody else- there food and there house - that person controls them to great extent. So far as wanting to be there for other family members -- that is a choice -- and if you make that choice then you are deciding what you have is acceptable and no sense in blaming others for it anymore. It is not your job to care for anybody else- get yourself in a better place then do what you can for them.
     
  10. Somedude11

    Somedude11 Member

    Katrina-
    About medicine...to tell you the truth, western approach to "curing" is money making...healthy patient is bad patient....I have studied the effects of those drugs, yes they are literally drugs. For instance your basic nasal sprays wich contain xylometazoline...do you know how it stops runny nose? It stops blood from going into your nose, so your nose cannot produce mucus....is this normal??? Or for instance prednisone, you might know it if you have crohn disease. You know how it treats inflamation?? Prednisone is corticosteroid, it supresses your imunity...they supress your immunity. They supress the inflamation not cure but supress....but inflamation is because of something, because of germ, parasite, foreign bodies, dangerous substances or anything that can damage body...many parasites have defence mechanisms that trick body, thats why there are so called "autoimmune" diseases, there are of course other sources of autoimmune problems....they say its because body is malfunctioning....but WHY is it malfunctioning, thus they never seek the source, they just erase symptoms....by any cost, even by reconfiguring your body, sometimes totally destroy it....so erase the source of problem and you will be healty...do you know why rich people are so healthy and such?? Because they KNOW how to heal, they just rest their bodies and everything other will follow...but do you have so much money for spas, antidetoxication procedures or natural medicines?? No, only the rich have....for poor there are drugs...


    Yes inner peace has to come from within, I have found inner peace....but you are forgeting one important thing...you have your body, wich has its limits. If you would throw small piece of rock into a sturdy wall continously, one day...one day without repairs, it will crumble....but constant pain, constant exhaustion...it will get you, no matter what you are, no matter what you are....it will get you, without rest it will get you....its called a limit, you cant be awake forever, you need to sleep...but I cant even rest for one single day....and if miracously I can, then I dont know how, I am just so tense from all of this I need alot of time to calm down...but when I do, something happens...so its neverending cycle of terror....

    NYJmpMaster
    Look....I live in a hellhole called Slovakia...here poor are really poor and rich are really rich....to tell you how much rich, for instance our dear governor of hellpit town I live in....he takes 5000/month euro for being governor, then he takes ANOTHER 4000/month euro for being in political side, then he has his own buisnesses not one but 2 or 3 so thats + ALOT MORE money into his pocket + he is cheating at taxes...to tell you HOW much swindling taxes means here, one of our politician ACKNOWLEDGED, that he swindled 900 000 euro in one year and thats only ACKNOWLEDGED so there is alot more...Slovakia is run by families and their friends, yes you are either born in family have luxurious life or you are damned to work like a slave, literally, thats why alot of manufacturers are coming to slovakia, cheap labour. The statistics say the average pay is 600-800 euro...but if you make that money, you are actually kind of rich. Here people work for 300-400 euro a month,doctors here make 900 euro per month and they are considered rich,specialists 1300 euro, after taxation, there are so many taxes that you have 600 euro on paper, but you get 380 euro...its ludicrious....average flat here costs 300 euro per month, small appartments, more like prison cells, cost 150 euro month...then you have taxes AGAIN and the food is not cheap...even in germany the products are higher quality YET lower price...its insane. Here people work overtimes to NOT get fired, yes the so called laws are corrupt, the unions are corrupt, so you have to work, like a slave to survive from month to month....if you are truly gifted, if you are smart, hard working....YOU ARE DOOMED unless you have family ties or connections. You may be good as you want, but the son of some friend is gonna get the job, even when he is totally incompetent....its that bad, the police is corrupt, everything is, its like third world country in the middle of europe....if you would come here, there will be police officer at every corner, waiting to ticket you for every single stupid thing you could imagine bonus is if you are foreigner, everyone will want to rip you to pieces, for money...

    The only viable thing is to LEAVE the goddamn country, but you know what....I have my brother here, who I DONT want to leave behind, he cant travel too long distances, he needs extra hygiene....and as I forementioned I am studying engineering, I would love to get my title and GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE, but I CANT even have proper study time, because of the SHIT that keeps pouring on my head. Are you kidding me??? Its not my job to not take care of my BLOOD???? To not take care of those who are dear to me??? ITS EVERY SINGLE MANS not job but DUTY, to TAKE CARE OF THOSE CLOSE TO THEM, NO EXCEPTIONS. You may leave, your problems with clear mind, but you know what??? I wouldnt, I would rather DIE, than to leave those whom I care for, death is NOT the worst thing that can happen, there are far worse things...you may call me conservative or any nonsense...morals, honor,dignity and courage are things that makes us human. I would never abandon those whom I care for...but I want to rest, to have peace....

    Now I have shit in my own mouth.....I just want some peace, some rest....but I cant......I dont have any kind of will to be here at all, I would love to go into some military to get shot....but I have those whom I care for and I cannot leave them behind......the only thing that keeps me going is my brother, but if he dies....well I wont have any will to actually live.....I just want some rest....is realy simple rest that much, is it replenish your energy so much hard?? I dont know anymore..........
     
  11. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I hear similar sentiments frequently on here whether it is caring for loved one or a boyfriend/girlfriend or spouse ..... just wondering though-- If you die aren't you just leaving them but adding to their pain and with no hope to ever help again or work to get them to a better place? Dying IS leaving and abandoning them...
     
  12. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    From all that I have read within this thread, it is clear that you are one hell of a frustrated individual.

    However, you seem to be missing the point of what others are trying to say to you. You are putting your life on hold, by allowing external circumstances (how your father is, how your mother is, and how your brother is), to influence what you do.

    As for it being every man's duty to take care of those closest to them - that one you'd have to tread very carefully on. Many people across this site have had issues with people in their bloodline families, whether it's abuse, neglect, rejection or worse, and in some cases, their bloodline families have put them up for adoption, or had the kids taken off them and put into orphanages/social care for a multitude of reasons.

    You also throw out there, a heavily biased opinion that suggests that its only fear/sex/money that's out there, or that what happens around you is only happening to you. When others were bullied at school, you stepped in to help and what happened, you got no thanks for it, and got bullied yourself. What that shows is that while you had good intentions, did it really stop the bullying happening? No. So what would your good intention of being there to protect the parts of the family that you care about do if your attitude suggests you don't want to change? Get yourself out of there, live your life, build it up, and possibly look to bring your mother and brother if possible away from the situation, providing that's what they want, not just what you want them to have.

    Life is not all doom and gloom. It's not full of 100% shit. If you're prepared to complain that you'd rather die than leave those you care most for, how are things ever going to get better for you or them? You claim your father is retarded and your grandmother is vile because of what she chooses to do. I'm not so sure about the spreading of all diseases known to man, that's an overexaggeration. As for drinking, it's a fairly common thing to do. And to assume that she doesn't care, along with what your father does, have you ever sat down and had a civil conversation with them? What is it that they actually do that gives you that impression? Maybe they think you should be doing more with your life - and could come back at you with a lot of angered issues in return.

    You even complain that you think you're at rock bottom and what can be done if there is no-one for you. You've given a lot, got very little in return (in your perception), and even when people who have experience 15-25 years more of what life can throw at them, including disowning family and/or abuse, have offered you a potential way out, you throw it back at them instead of listening.

    You want some respite from what's going on. The best way to do that would be to concentrate on your own life, and not sacrifice that to waste time complaining about what's going on, that you have no control over (such as your father's/grandmother's/mother's actions). You'd rather stay there to protect your mum and brother which is of good intention, but they won't live forever, so my advice is simple.

    Open your eyes to what the world can offer you - and don't let life pass you by because you've got too much 'tunnel-vision', in as much as your way is the only way. Your words - You don't know what to do anymore. Don't bite others heads off because they say things you don't want to hear. That could result in further alienation, at least people on this site have an understanding of what that is like/can do.
     
  13. katrina77

    katrina77 Guest

    Oh yes, I am very familiar with prednisone, and the far worse, Decadron. A lot of the health issues I have now, are as a result of the meds I have had to take.

    In my case, I know the cause of my autoimmune issues. I have ALPS, which is a genetic disorder in which I have a "kill defect". I don't kill my lymphocytes, so they proliferate, and create antibodies against my own cells and organs. And yes, I know pain, and fatigue, and hospitals, etc. All too well......

    Yes, my own body is my worst enemy. And I know it will only get worse. But, I still refuse to give up. I have fought my whole life to stay alive, and I am not willing to give up. And since my son has the same disorder, I need to show him he can fight too.

    I am reluctant to try and diagnose another person, especially someone I don't know. But you sound like you are having an issue with something I have tried to deal with recently. It's called care giver burnout. In my case, I am the primary caregiver of the rest of my family, in spite of my own health problems. I always have been, and that includes my grandparents, etc. I have just reached the point of complete physical and emotional exhaustion. I am trying to deal with it, by getting away at any point I can, even if it's just to get outside for a few minutes by myself. In addition, I am "trying" to learn to put some priority on my own happiness which means making sure I get enough sleep (hasn't happened yet, but I'm working on it), doing thinks I like etc.

    Is there some chance you are experiencing the same thing?
     
  14. Somedude11

    Somedude11 Member

    NYJmpMaster
    ...It is meant hypothetically, its not meant to be taken literally....it means I would rather DIE trying rather than just find the easy way out....yes of course if I would die, it would add pain to them...but as I said its not to be taken LITERALLY, its like metaphor or something like that...sheesh

    unimportant
    Wait wait wait....you are saying to me that my brother and mother wont live forever?? You want me to abandon them??? Sorry but are you THAT selfish?????....Seriously you are trying to give me advice, to....abandon the only things that REALLY matter in this life???....sorry but, this is just ludicrious....I AM living my life, you are forgetting the hard ridden fact....that there are real values in this world, I dont care if I will ever have billions of dollars, I dont care if I will have some super hot model for woman, or that I will conquer the world. You know why??? Because life is different....you know, deep inside you, you have innate thing called instinct, you KNOW what is right or wrong, you KNOW what to do correctly and you WILL do it if you are not afraid....because in the end, there are the REAL values....when you will be dying, when you will trully feel the touch of death, when you will REALLY see what the REAL world is, not this "world" we live in, you will understand what are the real values of life. From what you wrote, you clearly didnt discovered this yet....to tell you the truth, if I would die right now, I WOULDNT have any regrets....well maybe small little details, but in imperfection there is perfection you know, so I wouldnt, I would remember proudly how I DIDNT ran away, how I DID what was right and what I should do and that gives me real power in my life, real strength, not what you falsely precieve as power. I am NOT putting my life on hold, this IS my life, this IS my duty, life is a duty. Everyone has his place, everyone has his work to do and if EVERYONE did what he SHOULD do, then world would be beautifull place, thats why others have it harder, because they do the work others should...but you know what, in the end, when your soul will depart, when you will be standing before God, answering all your actions....if you dont believe in all of this, well I dont know how to explain this...

    You are calling me "tunnel visioned" while you type me advice to abandon the real things in life so my selfish desires can be fuffilled??? Thanks but no thanks....what people wrote before you, kind of helped me to fix a few things, mainly getting out my frustration.

    katrina77
    Well from what I have read and had some personal research done on me....autoimmune diseases are mainly external problems. For instance after chernobyl...before chernobyl problems with thyroid glans, where almost non existent, but after the radiation....well people were born with hypothyroidsm or hyper....I am not talking about those other monstrous problems, but thyroid problems were the most "livable". Or many kids who develop autoimmune disease, are raised in hazardous enviroments, if you would know very little doses of mercury can be catastrophic for your health. The main problems are the enviroments...in the old days you didnt had heavy duty factories or such, the pollution was almost non existent...and autoimmune problems were too, only some genetic defects, that can sometimes occur. The sources of autoimmune are many, so finding the real source can be kind of hard and dont believe that bullshirley that its genetic....yes it can be genetic, but in so many times, its NOT. For instance, doctors thought that I was allergic to some unknown thing, they wanted to do experiments on me gave me pills....when I took the pills they even destroyed me more than helped...but then I just detoxicated myself, took anti parasitic drugs, tried to heal my liver and kidneys and voila my unknown alergy has gone, for good...well sometimes if I am too long in some toxic place I get some "allergic" reactions, but thats normal...

    And I think you hit it on the nail, I may truly be just burned out...I wrote that I am emotionally and physically exhausted and yes I am experiencing the same thing....
     
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