I dont even know if id be sensible enough to do that right! Ive been in turmoil for years at 15 I tried drugs by 16 I was in prison whilst friends could socialise with a glass of wine Id drink the bottle and another untill I reached oblivion oblivion was comfortable and safe and I didnt really care about no one or what they thought I had a son who I couldnt bring up so just handed him over to my lovely old mum, 10 years later I had another son but my mum got terminal cancer and I had to make a decision stop and address this problem or put the kids in care I chose to stop I attended self help groups and 12 step progames and am now nearly 17 years clean and sober. During this time where the drink and drugs are not oppressing the emotions and feelings I found something else that did, Gambling, which has now got me to the same desperation as the drugs, dont get me wrong Im not sitting next to people smiling at their face while I dip their pocket but the secrecy the lies the self destruction is all the same Im now at a point where I just think is this it? I want out youd think after years with all that other shit id be able to deal quite easily with this one but no its getting worse and worse where Im taking money thats not mine I dont buy the bare nessasities too live I just stumble from one day to the next Im just so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I know a few out there may judge me thats fine I do it constantly myself I dont like the word self pity but I do feel rather pathetic the only thought that stops me from taking the final step is my sons my eldest saw a lot through his childhood and despite me is a lovely young man who works long hours as a chief. Ive not felt this lost alone and desperate for a lot of years, Ive met some amazing people in recovery but I cant confide in any of them about this as it feels so close to using its almost like Im just faking it so sorry to just come on here and dump my rubbish it just feesl anonymous and maybe by sharing this with someone anyone may helf.