I just want out!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by missstupid, Oct 19, 2012.

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  1. missstupid

    missstupid Member

    I dont even know if id be sensible enough to do that right! Ive been in turmoil for years at 15 I tried drugs by 16 I was in prison whilst friends could socialise with a glass of wine Id drink the bottle and another untill I reached oblivion oblivion was comfortable and safe and I didnt really care about no one or what they thought I had a son who I couldnt bring up so just handed him over to my lovely old mum, 10 years later I had another son but my mum got terminal cancer and I had to make a decision stop and address this problem or put the kids in care I chose to stop I attended self help groups and 12 step progames and am now nearly 17 years clean and sober. During this time where the drink and drugs are not oppressing the emotions and feelings I found something else that did, Gambling, which has now got me to the same desperation as the drugs, dont get me wrong Im not sitting next to people smiling at their face while I dip their pocket but the secrecy the lies the self destruction is all the same Im now at a point where I just think is this it? I want out youd think after years with all that other shit id be able to deal quite easily with this one but no its getting worse and worse where Im taking money thats not mine I dont buy the bare nessasities too live I just stumble from one day to the next Im just so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I know a few out there may judge me thats fine I do it constantly myself I dont like the word self pity but I do feel rather pathetic the only thought that stops me from taking the final step is my sons my eldest saw a lot through his childhood and despite me is a lovely young man who works long hours as a chief. Ive not felt this lost alone and desperate for a lot of years, Ive met some amazing people in recovery but I cant confide in any of them about this as it feels so close to using its almost like Im just faking it so sorry to just come on here and dump my rubbish it just feesl anonymous and maybe by sharing this with someone anyone may helf.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    YOu will not be judged here hun NO to many of us understand. It happens ok when one addiction is dropped another is used to replace it. You need to talk hun you need to reach out for help ok NO SHAME hun just do it so you can get the control back in your life . Gambler Anonymous or an addiction councelor hun talk to someone Keep talking here too hun it helps to know you are not alone not now hun hugs
     
  3. ekki2

    ekki2 Member

    I'm smiling slightly as I read this, as it reminds me of the first time I took a plunge, trusted someone - and dumped everything on my mind. It came out just like yours seems to - all jumbled up in a single sentence almost without breath.

    So... Did it help? Do you feel a little better?

    The internet can be great for this, the anonymity of it. But often its a little too shallow. It doesnt dig deep enough.


    I like your post. Despite its frantic pace! Honest, direct and reflected. Have you ever tried talking to someone? Maybe it can help... It did for me atleast.
     
  4. missstupid

    missstupid Member

    Thank you I smiled as I read your reply Ive learnt over the years in recovery to share honestly a lot of people say there on a pink cloud and they love the world and are grateful ect (I steer clear of them) maybe because I dont feel that and I appreciate directness before I came on here I did a self referral to an NHS clinic that deals with the gambling ITS been a long time coming but I just cant do it on my own so as I know Ive taken the first step but it dont take away the desperation I feel due to the consequences of gambling, It taps into all the others Ive had through the years, Thanks so much for your replies x
     
  5. ekki2

    ekki2 Member

    I hope you make it there then. If you hit a wall when talking - take a deep breath and headbutt that thing - walk through the hole. If you feel lighter, you did the right thing.
     
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