Im really really depressed. Most people think Im whining over nothing but Im just sick of this life. I cant do anything to change it either. I cant help it I married a disabled guy, he was who I loved. I cant help it my bipolar is so severe I cant work - I didnt choose to be like this. Its not my fault we dont have any money and have to live the way we do.. Its not my fault this tin can trailor that was suppose to be temporary has turned into a over 4 year thing. I cant help it that the junk hole is falling down around us and we dont have a dime to fix it up with. I cant help it that my moms jackass husband is basically stealing all her savings so shes not able to move out and give me the place shes living in now.. I cant bloody help it.. If I could do something, I would, I really would. I cant even afford some boards and osb board to fix the floors in this place with. Let alone paint, nails, screws, and all that stuff that would be needed to work with..I cant help it my ssi case is going down the shitter because I got stuck with a bitch judge that doesnt know what it means to care about the people whos lives shes basically ruling over.. Then on top of it all Im having my period..Im in pain..Its awful. Theres something wrong with me, the doc's been trying to get me in for testing for years but I cant afford it. I get muscle pains, stumock cramps, back cramps, head aches..The pain is worse then labor pains (and I had a baby the natural way with no pain killers). I feel like Im dieing and honestly I wish I would. If I were dead I wouldnt have to worry about how my family will live. I wouldnt have to slump to food pantries to get free food, I wouldnt have to freeze in the winter, fight bugs/snakes off in the summer, wade thru swampy hillside just to leave my house.... I wouldnt have to worry about a 20 year old car flying all the hell while we are 3 hours from home trying to take care of specialists appointments. I wouldnt have to worry about being sued because I cant pay that damn $3000 credit bill that I really screwed up on.. I wouldnt have to worry about anything because I wouldnt be part of it.. I wish I could drink myself into a stooper and get high on whatevers available to shove down my throat so I could dull away the pain.....I didnt go back and reread any of this so hopefully my sadness wont be misunderstood because of typos... Id try and commit suicide if I knew it would work - I dont want stuck in another hospital ward. No thats not a desperate cry for help..Friendship cant save my life - it helps make it easier yeah but its not going to save me. I need money..I need a home, a comfortable life, I need peace of mind..I dont know what to do. I cant afford rent, hud housing has a 7 yr waiting list, I cant afford improvements on the place Im stuck in now, and I cant afford to buy a new place..I just want out..