I just want someone, somewhere, to know why...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by MaryMoon, Jan 6, 2007.

  1. MaryMoon

    MaryMoon New Member

    First let me take a minute to thank anyone who reads this, and the people behind this place that allow it to exist. I do appreciate the space to vent. It is desperately needed.

    I don't want to be told that things will get better. I already know that there are a precious few people who actually care about me and who would miss me. I'm afraid that love alone will not make my situation any better. I simply have a crummy life. So crummy that I've reached the end of my rope. I have a history of suicide attempts down through the years and I've cut myself enough times now to know how deep and where and the razor needs to go to do the job properly, but it really doesn't matter. At this point I'm prepared to step in front of a semi.

    A few years ago if someone had told me that they were going through what I'm going through right now, I wouldn't have believed them. I used to honestly believe that if you worked hard and were a good person you would always have at least the basic necessities of life; food, shelter, someone to share your time with.... But that just isn't so.

    Over the course of the last two and a half years, I've gone from middle class to utterly broke. The vehicle my other half and I depended on broke down, so there was no way to get out of our very rural location to find work. When my dad died two years ago my family disowned me completely, save for my mother, because I'm pagan, and we have no friends who can give us a ride to the nearest town to get jobs. (My mom moved hundreds of miles away, and lives on social security.)We have an Ebay store, and it was making a little money, but now we're almost completely sold out of the stuff we regularly sell, and within a few weeks at most I'll have to start selling off my personal possessions just to have a tiny bit of money to give the landlord towards the huge amount of back-rent that we owe. We only have power and water because here the law won't allow them to turn it off until April.

    The landlord won't be patient forever. When we're evicted we will have no place to go. Even the nearest shelter is over 30 miles away. I have house cats that are my children. There is no Humane Society here. They'll go the pound and most likely be put down. We can't even afford a storage for our stuff, so everything we own will be lost. Heirlooms, clothes, everything.

    I saw on my arms about weekly now, just taking some relief from the knowledge that I have that option. I refuse to live only to suffer. To see everything I love taken from me piece by piece. To know that my cats will be killed and what little I inherited from my father either sold or lost. My only question is when to draw the line. I suppose when I just can't take any more. There are a few businesses within walking distance and I tell myself that if an employer would just call.... But time is running out for that to happen. When I put my dad's pocket knives up for sale, I think I'll take one then and take a walk.. and I will not come back.

    I just want someone, somewhere to know why I died when that happens. Because society is cruel, the world isn't fair, and things are nothing like our parents and teachers want us to believe they are. It doesn't matter how nice you are. Or how ethical. (I'm a vegetarian.)

    Thank you for listening, whoever it is. I do appreciate your time.

    ~ Mary Moon
     
  2. ealdc

    ealdc Guest

    Your post made me cry. I have animals who are like my children and the very thought of giving them away knowing they will probably be killed hurts so much.

    You are right about the world not being fair and how things aren't the way they should be. My mom tells me when I complain about things that "what goes around comes around" and she tells me about karma. I wish it were true but it just simply isn't.

    I have no advice. Just know that I care and that I am thinking of you. Times are hard and there isn't always an answer. That's why some of us choose death, which isn't an answer but it's a way of not having to deal with one.
     
  3. LeaveMeAlone

    LeaveMeAlone Well-Known Member

    Even if your current depression is circumstancial, it maybe be enough for you to get sick benefit (I assume you have something of that sort in the states). You should look into it, as you could very obviously do with the money. I'm sorry I can't really think of any other advice.