I just want someone to talk to!

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Araigne, Apr 11, 2008.

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  1. Araigne

    Araigne Member

    Everywhere I look for help, the answer is always to talk to someone. I'd love to talk, really I would, but I don't know more than a handful of people, and I'm not friends with any of them. Since what I really need to talk about is my depression and confusion, I doubt I'll get closer to anyone soon. My family is a no-go. Heck, I live with my sister, she knows I'm cutting, and she still thinks avoiding me when I'm having a crying fit is the best option.

    I feel so alone and afraid, but at the same time lethargic, like I don't really want to get out of this rut. I hear myself making excuses, and I know it's wrong, but there's no motivation left inside me to do anything except exist. I think about suicide all the time; sometimes I fantasize about it just to get me through my workday. I spend almost every evening crying. I want to go to therapy, but I haven't got the money, and I'm fearful of my family's reaction. I used to really believe I was going to grow up to be a novelist. Now, it just seems like a big pipe dream.

    I feel awful even thinking about unloading my problems onto someone else, but I know inside that if I don't, eventually I'll break down in public, or worse, do something to myself that I can never fix. What I secretly dream of is someone to share my likes and dislikes, the sort of best friend you talk all night with... but I'll settle for just somebody to commiserate.

    I hope this works, because this is the last place I can think of to find some release.
  2. Lady of Shalott

    Lady of Shalott Active Member

    Me too, I want and need someone like that too. I've been so alienated from society my whole life and it looks like the longer I live alone, the more alienated and alien I become from human society.

    I basically never talk to anyone about this suicidal and depressed part of me, which basically consumes me at my worst moments, like now. Of course you can't talk to anyone about it, because, well, if you become desperate, you might try to talk to someone and then find out why you can't. Yesterday I tried to and the person was very hostile. He showed me a picture of some successful guy with no arms and no legs and then asked me what the hell is wrong with me. When I was about 22, I told my mother that I was suicidal and wanted to kill myself and she told me I was being manipulative, so that is when I learned not to drag anyone else into my depression and suicide. I don't want to manipulate anyone. I also realized that you can't manipulate anyone who doesn't give a damn about you. I mean you can only manipulate someone if they care about you. Ironically, I therefore considered it fortunate that there was no one who cared about me--I couldn't possibly be accused of manipulating anyone. I still never told anyone again, because apparently even I didn't know if or when I was manipulating someone else.

    Anyway, I wish I had that kind of friend too, but not someone who only talks to me, because a lot of people talk to me about their problems and their lives, but they don't listen to me and while I like it if it helps them to talk to me and sympathy and understanding helps them, they can talk all the time to me and meanwhile they have no idea that I'm going to kill myself or that I'm falling apart and they don't care. It hurts me that much more and makes me feel that much more alone--to be sitting right next to people and understanding them and listening to their pain and commiserating with them, all the while feeling this pain of not having anyone to listen to you.

    I have tried therapy and it did nothing at all. I have psychoanalyzed myself forever, so I usually have an idea about why I behave as I do, but knowing the reasons you're broken does not fix you or give you the tools to get fixed.

    But I don't want to stay like I am in this rut, however if I don't get the help I need to successfully get freed of this very soon, I will kill myself. One thing I know now after this last time is that I can't help myself. I need help, extended and intensive help, and though I've been begging for years, no one has ever taken me seriously. And as for a friend, I used to cry and cry and bawl my eyes out begging, praying for just one person...just one person...
  3. Will

    Will Staff Alumni

    I know what it's like. I'm sorry you feel that way. It's weird though, because I've noticed even with SF, it takes the EDGE off, but not the actual thick of the pain. And you can throw your emotions as much as you want at a site, but atleast if there's someone talking there with you, just like, real time, it's different.

  4. Araigne

    Araigne Member

    Yes, I think that's exactly my problem. People aren't as helpful and understanding as the suicide websites like to make them out to be. I know that if I told my mom, she'd think I was going through a "phase" or looking for attention. I've tried showing my sister through my actions, but I don't know whether she's not getting it or just doesn't care.

    It's like you said- I feel alienated. It's an appropriate word (thank you!). I've always felt really silly about being lonely. After all, I have a big family, and we're pretty close (we have a family-wide problem with not talking about "feelings", though), and it's not like there aren't nice people at work who I could be friends with. But interaction is so hard for me. People want to carry on conversations, and I can't keep up. Like you, I find sitting and listening to be more my forte, but that just makes people think they can unload all their problems onto me and not ask about my own problems in return. They say I'm a good listener, but in reality, I'm just a bad conversationalist.

    Anyway, I'm afraid that if I go ahead and say something about what I'm going through, I'll lose the positive relationships I do have, however shallow they may be.

    I am suicidal. But I don't think I really want to die, exactly. I mean, it's not the thought of being dead that's calming to me. I still daydream about having friends, living life- Life can be beautiful sometimes, and I think I would like to get out and live it. It's just that there's so much pain inside me, and I can't seem to find another way to free myself from it. Is that how you feel about it?

    I'm glad you took the time to reply. I feel a little better just knowing that there's someone out there who knows what I'm talking about. I'd be happy if you'd PM me and let your feelings out sometime, if you want to. I won't mind. I think sometimes it can be easier to see solutions for problems in someone else's life than your own, and through that, maybe I can think of some that would apply to me.
  5. Lady of Shalott

    Lady of Shalott Active Member

    Well, not quite. I've been living with wanting to kill myself for 20 years now though, so it has morphed over the years. First of all, I don't really want to kill myself either. I also noticed in those 20 years, the few times I have been serious about killing myself, including this moment, some stupid little thing would come up or happen that would make it impossible for me to. The most notable suicide deterrent was my little pet ferret. She was with me from 1993 to 2000 and if she hadn't been around, I would be dead, so many times I had wished that I had not gotten her, since I didn't give her a good life and I regret that I lived to experience what I did after 1993-2000. But the thought of her finding my lifeless body in the apartment and also worrying about what would happen to her afterwards was devastating, so I couldn't kill myself then. Unbelievably, this time I broke my foot! I can't even walk let alone carry out the plan I had to die. It's some kind on ongoing demented joke, I swear...

    I know I could find a way to move on and maybe even find a decent life if I could get the help I need, but that doesn't seem like it's going to happen, not for lack of my pleading either. So, maybe in a way it's like not knowing how to get out of the pain, though what I have to get out of is a hell of a lot more than just pain. I have behaviorial patterns...and by God I keep feeling like there is and always has been one essential element that has always been missing from my life, from inside me, and that if only I had that one little thing, I would be able to sustain life without losing all of myself. I still believe that. I have never been ok in my life, I have never been safe and I think it is primarily the lack of that element that has made me crazy.

    You don't seem to be quite as far gone as I am, in which case I would say, if that pain is past pain and not present, find a way to emotionally let go of it and dwell on those things you find beautiful in life and those things you imagine enjoying and then do it. If your pain is present pain, or you can identify some pattern in which it is manifest, then I still say you have a better chance than I do, but help is still required. Maybe I was more like you are years ago, so it's best to try to find help before you live too long like that.

    This is true. I'm not so sure what to say for myself anymore, however, I feel like I've become sort of numb around the whole subject of killing myself. My life has chafed a wound so deep and so painful in me that I can't even feel anymore...anyway, maybe I'll pm you some time. :smile:
  6. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    My family is hopeless around mental health issues .... after my first attempt (I was a teenager at the time) my mum looked at the scars on my wrist (still fresh), said nothing and turned away. I carried the shame of that experience for 20+ years. I felt then - and still do - a bit of a space alien around them.

    As for my friends, some are okay with hearing about my struggle with depression, and some are not. I accept that. I think if you have not suffered personally you really have no idea how bad it can be.

    Instead, I take what comfort I can from the people here on SF, the suicide hotline, my doctor, and the mental health staff at the local hospital. They are not frightened by suicide, and they do not minimize my reasons for feeling this way. Instead, they work with me to find ways to stay alive, to heal, to recover.

    I don't know that I will ever be free of these thoughts, but my goal is to become more resilient. I want to know that I can handle life's challenges and sorrows without harming myself. The image I keep in my mind is a willow tree in a storm... I will bend if needed but I will not break.

    I don't know if you would be willing to seek professional help - it can be tricky, for sure, as there are both good and bad counsellors out there. Still, I have found them to be a better help to me than friends or family.
  7. Lady of Shalott

    Lady of Shalott Active Member

    presuming I survive long enough...
    who ever would have thought, upon being born into this world, that finding even one single person to care about you would prove so impossible, how can anyone be so unlovable
  8. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    you are not unlovable... even though it might feel that way right now.
    if i remember correctly, your relationship just ended. if so, you are grieving.
    a compassionate person such as you will without a doubt find love again.
  9. Lady of Shalott

    Lady of Shalott Active Member

    That's one of the things I'm most afraid of.
  10. Araigne

    Araigne Member

    :smile: Yes, I've noticed the same thing in my life. It's torture, but at the same time... I don't know.

    I'm sorry to hear about your ferret. When I was younger, the family had a farm cat who used to seek me out when I was upset (I would hide out in haylofts or random trees to keep people from seeing me crying). I remember he used to wind around some part of me and just lay there, and I would pet him and cry until I felt better. Animals are a lot more forgiving than people, in most cases, and they don't ask what's wrong with your head; they just love you. We had to leave him behind when we moved to a smaller place, though, and now that my depression has gotten worse, I find I'm not too good at caring for myself, much less a pet. Living in an apartment in the city also destroys the possibility of being truly alone while I get my feelings out.

    If at all possible, though, you should visit pet shops. There's one across from my place of work, and I know that watching the puppies and the hamsters play always distracts me from myself, if only for a short while.

    In reply to dazzle11215 - I would never seek help from a doctor. I don't trust doctors, or the health care system in general (both of my maternal grandparents died from malpractice just within the past decade, and since I'm a debilitatingly shy person anyway, I can't stomach the thought of handing my entire wellbeing over to a stranger). I've struggled with the idea of therapy, but I've known people who went to therapy and got no help out of it, and ended up handing out thousands of dollars with no visible progress. Besides, I live in a state where there's not a lot of choice, so finding a good one=hoping the one I find is good.
  11. Lady of Shalott

    Lady of Shalott Active Member

    Oh! Are there cities in South Dakota? :tongue:

    You can add me to that list, though I never stayed with it long enough to spend thousands.

    I'm really shy too. I used to be debilitatingly shy, but when I left English-speaking countries, I became shy in other languages and when I returned to the English-speaking countries, by my standards, not only was I not shy, I was almost sociable. :smile:

    Earlier today I was thinking I wanted to tell my whole story to someone, but now I'm not so sure again. I guess it should be someone I'm close to--which would be no one.:mellow:
  12. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i don't look on therapy as handing over my well-being to others, it's just another support in my toolbox. i'll do what it takes to recover.

    i want to beat depression, i want to heal from my suicide attempt. i want to be happy again, and whole. i tried getting untangled on my own, and i just sank deeper. it was kind of like quicksand or something.
  13. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    Wishing to talk to someone is the first step to get better, the second is actually talking to someone, and you already did it! look how youve been talkking and taking out of your chest part of the trash you´ve been keeping inside. Self harm is a very worrying thhing, but nothing to be ashamed of, but to care about. also suicide and depression. I wanted to tell all of you that you can always pm me if you need to talk, i know how dessesperating can lonely be....
    kisses and hugs
  14. Araigne

    Araigne Member

    Technically speaking :smile: In reality, where I live is more of a town. (And I've lived in the barren countryside all my life, so anyplace with paved roads and traffic lights is a city to me!)

    Well, maybe that's not the best way of putting it. It's just... a therapist wouldn't know me, and I wouldn't know them. Having never been to one before, I wouldn't be able to tell if they were good at their job or a complete hack, either. I do plenty of messing with my head by myself, thank you, without adding others' opinions (however educated they may be) into the mix. Therapists are people too. They can make mistakes. I don't know if I could get by that idea and trust one to help me find my true path, especially since trust is something I have trouble with even amongst family.

    I guess that's part of the root of my problem-the trust issue. I never let anyone in (even, usually, on the internet), because I'm afraid of getting hurt. It's not like I believe everyone in the world is a horrible monster, but I know humans make mistakes and do damage to one another. I don't want to be on the receiving end of that any more than I already am.
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