I have honestly been thinking of suicide for quite awhile now (I also have a history of multiple attempts, close to 12, as a teen) and have been researching ways to make it look like a natural death so as not to cause any more pain and disappointment to my family than I already have. To give you some history I grew up with an abusive mother and was molested by my grandpa's best friend for over 5 years. That lead to the usual road of drinking A LOT as a teen and all the usual behaviors. Got into a really nasty abusive marriage and then finally got out, went to a pattern changing class that really seemed to help me find my self-esteem and self-worth. Really got my life back on track for quite a few years, found a partner I truly loved and who was the first person I can ever ever remember giving my full trust to which was actually pretty amazing. My partner ended up having on line and in person affairs (we are trying to work past it and make our relationship better) when our relationship was great, all aspects of it. My partners best friend ended up raping me one night and I kept it to myself for a year but finally told as everyone had noticed the change in me. So began what I call my downward spiral to the point that I am at yet again in my life, I just want the pain to stop. I am no longer the person I used to be, I never leave my house and hardly ever leave my bedroom. I can barely eat and I am terrified of letting the lid off of everything I have buried off because I think it may just finish destroying me. I am at the point I hardly feel anything I am just numb and cut off from everything and everyone. I tried counseling but yeah with my severe trust issues that didn't work. And the topper on this wonderful life of mine is I have had thyroid cancer 3x and now have fibromyalgia and my teeth are toast from the courses of oral radiation so I have come to totally despise my personal appearance. I don't feel depressed but given that I have totally given up on everything including my personal appearance and even hygiene sadly enough I probably am. I barely change out of jammies and can wear them for days on end so I know that I am probably deeply depressed but I just don't feel it, to be honest I guess you could say I just don't feel. I just want the pain to end, I have been a failure in just about everything in my life. The only good that I have ever done is my kids and my only joy is my grandbaby but honestly I think it would be better for them if they thought my health took my life and were able to go on without me screwing things up for them or letting them down. I think they could succeed better if I wasn't here truthfully. I am so tired of fighting everything and everyone, so tired of being a constant failure, so tired of physically and mentally hurting that I just want to sleep forever. And the painful truth is if I were to do it my family would feel some temporary pain but in the end I think they would be the better for me just being a memory. I am tired of doing this dance in my head of why I should live, it is much easier to answer the question of why I shouldn't live to be honest. And I know that if I tell anyone this they would probably lock me up in a mental hospital and that would ruin the tiny bit of life I have left because I would lose my grandbaby and kids and still unfortunately be alive.