I just want the struggle to stop so I can rest...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ordep, Sep 16, 2009.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    I don't know any other suicidals (just joined the forum) nor any other people's experiences, so I don't know if I'm caving under alot of bad things or if others are taking it much worse. Suffice to say, I can't picture my life being worse than it is... or ever was for that matter. Only 4 of my 20 years of living had any kind of happiness to them, and that's gone now. Right now I have to struggle both with a screwed and pathetic existence and the nightmares and memories from the past, both the good and bad ones, so for anyone who's brave enough to hear, let me tell you about myself and what I suffered throught this life...

    My first memory is one of the most painful ones. I was 4 and I was staying in a pre-school center (I think it's called a creche in English...). At that time I was really energetic and creative so most often than not I had a sort of leadership position among my friends. One day I decided we'd play "Let's escape the center" as a prison break kind of thing. We'd go to a secluded place in the center where the teachers usually didn't look and we'd climb a triangular shaped wall and exit through a cut in the fence that sat atop the wall. I took the lead and my best friend followed right by my side. We went all the way, hands in the fence and feet on the wall, until we reached the cut, I leaned foward to try to open a hole through the cut but as I did so I pushed the fence towards me and my friend wasn't expecting that. He slipped, his chin hit the wall and he fell to his death.

    There was alot of media coverage, the center closed and I still wake up with nightmares of that day. People say it wasnt my fault, that I was just a little kid, but it never mattered, Ill always feel I killed him, it was all my fault for being so reckless...

    My first 10 years as a student weren't that good either. I was actually a really good student with some straight A's but on the social level I was an outcast from day one. My social skills are miserable and my interests really didn't match everyone else's. I'm a rock and metal person while my classmates were all Pop R&B and Rap, I didn't care about football/soccer and around here that's everything you get to play. I started playing the guitar and got really good, but that really didn't get me any friends on the long run. I was always lonely, teachers would love me because I did great on most classes but everyone else would either hate me for being so different or simply ignore my existence. That lead me to be an extremely silent, enigmatic and most of all, easy to ignore person. And I suffered every single day because of it.

    By the 8th grade I just wanted to die as quickly as possible, but I got lucky as I stumbled across the most important person I ever had in my life. Erica was(is) her name and we almost imediatly connected and begun a friendship like I never had. I don't have the skills to put it into words but she was great to me, she took away most of what was wrong about my persona and helped me become a much better man. We supported each other on everything and quickly became best friends (my only friend on my case, but she had aplenty). That was the first time I was happy in my life and didn't want to die...

    This situation lasted 2 years, then we had a fight. It was because of my social skills, she thought I wasn't really trying to make more friends while I told her I did try but I couldn't really connect... she was always really impulsive and the small argument became a big one really fast. We broke up the friendship and didn't speak for 6 months. I was left alone again, went back to depression and suicide temptations. I started drinking hard, even in school. Luckly I never got drunk in school and I had quite the reputation as a good student so no one really suspected. I got really close to loosing all hope and jumping (I even made arrangements for that). Most people who bothered to adress me on my obvious sadness told me to forget about the girl, but I could not. Luckly the feeling was mutual and we eventually made a truce. We quickly got back the time we had lost and became best friends as ever, until one day we kissed unexpectedly and became a couple.

    So yeah my first kiss and girlfriend was at 17, she had other bf's before that it never really held long since for the most part she cared more about me than them. Now I was happier than ever, I had loved her for so long, even confessed at one point, but she turned me down. But now nothing would go wrong, it was perfect at the time.

    Then it went wrong. Exactly one week after my first kiss I started feeling lots of pain and fatigue. I tought I was tired and just needed a rest, but it just got worst. Finally I went to the doctor and after a series of painful tests I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, a disease that hits the neurologic connection between the brain and the muscles, creating a fake but ever-present feeling of physical pain and exaustion. There's not defenitive cure but it can wear off in time. I still have more than 3 years later.

    That would likely be my end if it wasn't for Erica, she supported me all the way, was always there for me, pushed me onward when I felt like giving up, she really gave me the will to live with her smile and her way of conforting me and sharing my pain. We very rarely fought and when it happened we made peace really fast. Despite the pain, it was heaven for me.

    I graduated with honors from high school and got a place in the best college in business managment in Portugal, and one of the best in the world. It was a great achivement for me, both in academic terms and because Erica would be following me there next year when she finished high school herself. Not being in the same school and not even studying in the same city meant we started seeing eachother much less, also it meant I had no one to spend the breaks between classes with, and once again I had the worst of times making new friends (actually I became friends with 2 guys but unlucky as I am they both dropped out really fast. Tough college) and spent most time alone. The distance and stress from school (from both sides) made the first cracks in my relationship but it sounded nothing threatning, it was normal considering the change we tought.

    Erica is a great singer with musical tastes close to mine and she met a drummer at her school called Joao, they became great friends and she introduced me to him, and we also became great friends, so we decided to form a band so that we could make the music we so loved and also spend more time togheter.

    That worked for a while but thru a variety of reasons the relationship started to become alittle sour and Erica started to get tired of me, becoming angry at me very easily and easily picking arguments. Thinking back I guess I am to blame for alot of stuff but back then I was so afraid to lose her I sometimes didn't really tought straight...). Eventually broke up with me but said she wished for us to be best friends as ever, and maybe on a later date get back togheter.

    But from that it just went downhill. Bad stuff happened and she started avoying me as much as possible, our friendship becoming more and more void, her new best friend becoming our drummer and my other friend Joao. In time she started hating me and only suffering talking to me when there was an exact reason for that, she started misstreating me and pshycologically hitting me as much as she could while all I could do was hope against hope that she would come around and everything would get back to what it was, as I still loved her. No such luck, even in college she only gave me a small window of interaction, which most often ended with her either ignoring me or simply stating how much she hated me. And yet I kept hoping...

    Our friend Joao tried to help alittle at first but quickly called it a lost cause and told me to get on with my life and that he'd be there for me. But for the most part (like 99% of the time) her loyalties where to my ex. and more and more he started distancing himself from me.

    Then one day she simply stopped talking to me alltogheter. She already spoke only if I asked her something, no more than the necessary, but then she started to turn around if I spoke to her, no explanation given.

    I felt a gap in my heart like I never had. Sure I knew Erica was mostly lost to me, but I still held hope but after that there was nothing I could do, my life had just become the biggest hellhole I could imagine.

    That was a year ago.

    Ever since that it only got worse. Ever since this all started, college has gone terrible for me, and I'm already getting letters saying I'll be expelled if I don't start showing some results. Too bad I can't focus at all... Let alone go and pay attention to classes as I see Erica everyday, and every day her "silent treatment" hurts me more than a stab would in the chest. And obviously, the glass prison feeling as the college is packed and I know no one there, I simply stare at their happiness,and cry inside.

    I didn't mention but my father is a complete jerk, and idiot, the person I hate the most. He only cares about money and money alone. Even with 20 years old I can't use my own money to buy stuff that I want, I still have to get his permission, and it's easier to get permission to use a nuke than to get him to let me buy something that's not for school. My guitar is a cheap model bottom of the barrel he bought for my birthday and I can't upgrade it even tough I have more than enough money. He also hates me for the way I am and doesn't even attempt to hide it, he has nothing between his brain and his mouth so he just says anything he thinks, one day after a particulary big argument he told me I was just a mistake him and my mother did, that I was never supposed to be born and he wished I had never be born... that was the worst thing anyone ever told me.

    My health also managed to get worst, my thumb in the left hand became injured at the base the doctors said there's nothing they can do about it. I'm currently wrapping it with duct tape to keep the finger togheter but I don't know how long it'll hold up or how long I'll be able to keep playing guitar like this. Also, I'm becoming addicted to the painkillers I take for my chronic fatigue syndrome and my heart has been hurting alot lately. I'm not going to the doctor to check it... at this time a heart attack would be a blessing.

    I have only one friend, Joao, my ex. best friend and for the most part he just ignores me. Right now we're both online on msn and he could easily talk to me, but he won't, he never does. He knows how I feel, he knows I want to die he knows all I'm telling you guys here. I told him in hopes he would help me overcome this, but all he does is tell me not to think of the bad stuff and actually get angry at me and tell me if I keep this depression up he'll stop caring about me for good. If I don't go and talk to him, he also doesn't bother unless I talk to him, and even then only if I keep pushing the subject cause he won't make an effort to keep a conversation going if I stop adding subjects, and I'm not good at conversations...
    Recently we planned to go to a Summer music festival togheter, it was supposed to be the greatest thing for me since I didn't get to hang with anyone for ages and I would actually get some fun... That was until Erica decided she also wanted to go but wouldn't suffer going with me. Joao immediatly told me he was going with her and in the end I had to go all alone as I already had the ticket (and my father would go wacko if I decided I'd stay at home after spending the money). Eventually we did go to another festival togheter, even tough he ended up talking more to the cellphone than to me. Obviously talking to Erica who wasn't there...

    And that brings me to the worst topic of all... Even over a year after we broke up I still love her with all the love I have to give. I see her every day and every day I wish it'll be the day where she'll finally say that maybe it's time they try again, but it never is and deep inside I know it'll never happen. She's still in my dreams, dreams that sound good when they happen, dreams that I wish would not end, but when I wake up and face the grim reality there's no drink in the world that can ease the pain. She's so much succesfull than me, it makes me feel bad and hate myself by comparision. She's doing way better in college, she has a band along with our friend Joao and they're going great, as far as I know she's dating someone and I even tough he denies I can't shake the feeling that it's Joao and he's not telling me, which makes my blood boil... she's friends with everyone and everyone counts her as someone really special. The only shocker is when they learn she actually dated someone as disgusting as me. I once heard her say she was really sick back then...

    I'm sorry for writting sooooo much... to say the truth it's been 17 days since I last spoke to anyone, and that was just a "Hello, how you doing? I'm fine and you? Fine, bye!" talk so you can guess how desperate I was to talk... or write in this case... I really don't see any reason to stay alive. Friends will be hurt by my suicide? I almost have none, actually my greatest fear is that I wont have 4 people to carry my coffin and they'll have to get some stranger... Family? I've already written a letter to be delivered to my father in case I die, staing I hope life turns really sour for him and that I'll never forgive all the beating and shoutings he put me through. Things might get better? Yeah maybe but right now it looks they'll just get worse as I'm about to get kicked from college, how long will I have to keep hoping against hope that my life improves? I'll find someone else to share my life with? Doubtful, I can't even approach other women since Erica is all I can think about... We're all here for a reason? I sure as heck don't see mine... Have faith in God? Not religious at all. If God does exist, he either forgot I exist a long time ago or didn't bless me when I was born.

    Right now I just want to stop this struggle against the inevitable and for once rest in the knowledge that nothing else can go wrong or hurt me where I am. I feel I suffered enough for 10 lifetimes and I'm only 20, I only wish I could buy a gun over here... it's seems so much easier to pull a trigger than to throw yourself off of a bulding... I keep wishing someone mugs me or attacks me so I can fight back and luckly end up shop and killed. At least I'd keep some honor intact and I wouldn't need to kill myself, but like everything else, what I wish for never happens...

    Again, sorry so much for the long post. Anyone who can read all that... you're a freaking trooper or you need to get a life lol. Ahh how I wish I could still laugh...
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 16, 2009
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    I just wanted you to know I read your post. I'm sorry you've been through so much. The world (and some of the people in it) can really be cruel sometimes.

    I hope you'll stick around and make some friends here. My PM box is always open if you ever feel like talking.
  3. yursomedicated

    yursomedicated Chat & Forum Buddy

    i would say i'm a trouper. btw.

    what happened in pre school is deff not your fault. you were what, five? you didn't know any better. you didn't know it would happen. and you didn't do anything to make him fall.

    your dad seems like a major dick. but mine isn't better. he never told me that iwas a mistake. but he chose his new wife over me. which i think is worst. he triggered my depression. he is no longer in my life anymore, but what he did to me still kills me.

    at first i really liked erica. she seemed like a great girl. she saved your life and helped you get through. leaving you though was a mistake. you seem like a great guy. idk i kinda want a boyfriend who is emotional and even has some mental problems. maybe some closure that i'm not alone?

    your other friend..jaou? well i don't see how he can be your friend. he may talk to you, but other then that it seems like he doesn't really care. i'm sure that you can meet other people. you seemed to enjoy talking on here, just try talking to someone. it will help.

    right now you need to concentrate on college. you said your in a great school. that will lead you to a great job which i think will make you happy. once you graduate you can move out and then do whatever you want with your money! that will feel good. pick up a new guitar because you seem to love it.

    i'm always here to talk. you can even send me a huge letter like this if you want and i will read it. you're not alone, i promise.
  4. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    I read all of it. And you can't blame yourself for what happened in pre school. Shit happens.

    I know what it's like to feel unrequited love. It is one of the most destructive feelings known to mankind. The feeling itself is unrrated. I know what it feels to be in love with a girl that has been out of my life for years. But you know, I realized eventually it happens. And slowly but surely I moved on. I know I will never be the same but that's life for you. I hope you find a way to move on from all of this. You can still change, it really is never too late. As for the social anxiety issues, that's what caused me to mess up my friendship with the only girl I loved. I hated myself for it day and night, but eventually you see that it gets you know where. You can still meet new people, it seems hard to believe and sometimes you just don't feel like even opening yourself to a cruel world but people are willing if you are. I can't even take my own advice but it's the truest thing. By the way, I listen to metal music too, what bands are you into?
  5. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    Hey all, thanks for being amazing and actually reading all that, you people are great. I'd like to reply to some of the things you said. I could PM individually but I think I'm gonna make it public as someone might feel at home with what i say or something...

    First of all yeah, my father is the dick of dicks. I really didn't went into depth on that matter or the post would be even larger but his paranoia and money addiction is just unbearable. Be it a new computer of bubble gum, if I buy something without his approval he goes berserk. Oh but it gets worse for as long as I live home, any money I earn he gets cut 50%. That's right, every 100€ I earn, he gets 50 for himself. Suffice to say all I earn goes to college so I'm completely screwed in chances of moving out of the house as I'll never get the money without a better job. He never chose anything (but money) over me, but he sure as heck wouldn't mind dumping my ass on the streets in a heartbeat. Luckly for me he's well known around our residence and he doesn't want people to realize what a f*cked up family we are.
    But oh here's the real nutbreaker... I never saw a therapist/cousellour/psychiatrist in my life because of money... despite all the crap I went trough. We're not poor first and foremost, we have an household income far above the averange in Portugal so that wouldn't be a problem... but my father hoards all that income for himself and pulls all the strings to keep it in his pocket. So yeah every time I said I'd like to do therapy all I got was a "you're not wasting money on those damn con artists, stop whinning and be a man." Thanks dad, that's working so well...

    In all fairness Joao (should have just called him John to make it easier to you guys) is not a bad friend, he's just not the kind of guy I need to back me up. Back when me and Erica still dated I got to know most of her friends, but the day we broke up they all forgot about me in a second. Jõao was the only one who didn't back up on me even tough he's my ex. best friend. He just doesn't understand what I'm going thru and most of all doesn't know how to adress it properly. He thinks getting pissed and screaming at me, telling me to be a man or saying I'm sounding like an emo (metal background, we don't like emos) will do any good, but as we all know, it only makes it worse. Still, he does care somewhat about me and I can always bug him as long as he's not busy. The thing is that we're on different levels as to him I'm just another friend who he's looking foward to have a good time and laugh with, while to me he's all I got in this world and would love if he could pull me up. They say friends are for the good and bad moments, but people have their strong and weak points...

    Erica is what really really brings me down. We're not just talking about some lost love here, we're talking about a person who saved my life TWICE, my best friend who gave me the only good moments my life ever had, who preety much brought me to life when I tough I had none. My friend Joao/John would punch me for dwelling on these thoughts but she had her way of reaching me and making all the bad stuff go away. Even the hellish nightmares of my friend from pre school dying seemed to be quite bearable if I got the luck to wake from them when she was there with me. You can't just forget about a relationship this deep. Actually we were voted the perfect couple in my last year in highschool, and I'd never been voted for anything at all... They say a relationship loses some glare when you start having sex, well we never had sex since she wasn't ready and I wanted to respect her and yeah, we had our shine as a couple all the way to the last days.
    Yeah she was amazing to me but my ghost chaser now became my biggest ghost and I can't shake it... the only thing that's going thru my mind right now is the dread feeling that in 4 hours I'll have to share the classroom with her and we'll probably catch the same train home. and there's no way to avoid that... I'm like a reverse stalker
    I know she could help, maybe she's the only one that can help me, she's the best at it. If only we would get back to speaking terms and she would treat me with the kindness she used to, I'm sure I'd pull through and I'd survive this ordeal, but like this I feel hopeless... The strengh I need to make it out alive is right in front of me every day and I can't do anything about it... it's so maddening.
    If it was a mistake for her to dump me, she sure didn't feel the consequences as she's better than ever, popular, with all the friends she cares to want, her talents praised and recognized by everyone and all the things she needs to be happy... I feel so small by comparision, even sick of myself for sucking so much. I guess I'm kinda like the thorn on the rose that you cut to make the rose look gorgeous...

    And well I rambled...again... sorry so much once more. I also hope I get to do friends here, also try to help out some people if I can. At least for as long as I can hold on. Thanks again for listening, you guys are great...

    P.S. In reply to Angelo, I can listen to preety much any kind of metal as long as it's seriously done. But to name just some of my favorite bands I'd say Dream Theater, Blind Guardian, Angra, Iced Earth and the one and only Iron Maiden.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 17, 2009
  6. yursomedicated

    yursomedicated Chat & Forum Buddy

    i hope one day that erica and joao will one day wake up and realize what a great person you are. there probably is some kind of doctor at your school, have you gone there yet? and i know how you feel about her in your classroom. my ex boyfriend is in one of my classes and i cry walking into that class. :(

    you can always pm me. don't think you are ever bothering me.
  7. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    Well, i guess i need to get a life.... I read the whole post. What can i say? You are right, i should get a life, but i cant. I wish i could. But there are some things that stops me. And well, i can relate to some parts of your life as you described it in this post. I can only say to you that i understand how you feel, and i understand what you went through in your life.
  8. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    Don't take that too serious about getting a life, it was a joke, and one that I kinda regret considering the forum where we are. Alot of people here new to get a life, and hopefully many will. I guess I'm just crazy enough to joke in the face of death... Alas, be strong my friend, and thanks for reading all of that.
  9. texaskitty

    texaskitty SF Cat Lady Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Ordep, I pm'ed you.

    And then read your thread. You are a brave and giving person to reach out to others when you are in such pain.

    Thank you again.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.