I just want to be a good mother - is that too much to ask?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by mtee, Jan 27, 2012.

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  1. mtee

    mtee New Member

    I'm a good mother. It's the best thing I've ever done, but it seems like at every turn there's something to try to stop me - a partner who abused my kids until eventually I had to leave and now although he finally treats them better now that we're gone, won't support his own kids financially, the way that he should. I've worked my entire life, despite childhood sexual abuse and the resulting depression and fear that seems to have stayed with me my entire life. But, despite my best efforts, I get a job only to be blatantly discriminated against, only to be fired after I did what all my co-workers told me and spoke up. I just feel like a victim all over again. I can't seem to get a job and my kids and I are about to lose the first real secure and happy home we've ever really had. Why me? I'm not a bad person. I'm a good friend. A good person. I've always done all I can to be all I can be for both myself and my kids, but despite my best efforts it seems like all I ever get is more and more pain. I just can't take it anymore. After I tried to end my life eight years ago I promised my sons once they got older and understood what had actually happened, that I would never do it again. But, I can't take anymore. I really can't. It seems like I've spent my entire life fighting and I just don't have the strength any more. I'm writing this and thinking if this is all life is, then what's the point. I come home every day expecting the kids to be at home with no power, while my ex goes out and buys a brand new car with what should have been child support. Yet, he thinks he's a good and helpful guy...What a joke. I run and I run and I run, trying each day to get over the hump, trying to keep my kids safe and secure, but it's like running up hill. They are such good teens. Never been in any trouble, kind, loving, good students. The only thing that keeps me from ending my life for good is them. I wouldn't want to leave them here all alone, especially since we are so close. But, I just feel like I can't take any more. Every time I think things may improve, it's like I get another gotcha. I went to the hospital two days ago only to find out the one kidney I have left (I had one removed when I was 5), is now infected, and to top it off I have no insurance. I'm in pain and even though the hospital treated me and gave me medication I just feel like why bother. I can't take any more. I really, really can't. If this is what life is, I don't see the point.
  2. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    You are a great mother, and it sounds like you are doing the best you can given the circumstances. I know things are really hard but your kids would not want you to give up and they wouldn't want to lose you. At least the hospital did give you medication for your kidney infection so hopefully that will help it. I hope that things will work out for the best.
  3. muchabides

    muchabides New Member

    I feel the same way you do. I am a mom of two very young girls and last year my husband left me. I feel like every day is a struggle and I am so tired all the time. I feel like I can't really catch a break.

    The feeling of not being loved and taken care of has permeated every bit of my being. Ten years ago men fell all over me, now I have two kids and even though I am still pretty, everyone is basically taken.

    So . . . I keep thinking about death. But I don't want to leave the kids with their dad. Really, what I REAAAALLLLY want is for everyone around me to hurt like I do. I want them to know I hurt and feel it. This is what suicide would do for me. Really, I am angry.

    But not the kids. They have so much hurt already. So I carry on, much like you are doing now. I am a little robotic, just going through the motions.

    I want to find my dreams again. I wanted to write once, and paint. But the depression hides those feelings. Do you have things you want to want to do too? Sometimes I try to pick them up but they seem so hard. All I can do is hope it gets better.

    I write in a journal every day, trying to fill a page with all the good things I found. That helps me see what makes me happy. So far, it's interactions with others. I miss being loved. What if all we really do need is love???
  4. mtee

    mtee New Member

    Muchabides, last night when I was writing, it was right after hearing from the hospital and being told my infection was worse than they initially thought and that they wanted to change my medication. It was just one more thing I had to think about and deal with and on top of all this, I have a friend staying with me who was only supposed to be with me for 2 days and its now been almost two months. When I left my abusive ex, I got a small place (what I could afford) and let my sons have the bedroom. I sleep on a futon in the living room. Now I have this friend who works and has no kids sleeping on my full-size futon with me. She's capable of working more, but doesn't and I think her presence is contributing to my depression and anger....It feels like one more instance of someone taking advantage of me or as everyone KEEPS telling me, me letting them.

    I believe everything in life happens for a reason. To answer your question, I do write - have been my entire life. In fact, a couple of years ago I signed a contract with a major publisher. But, even that didn't turn out the way I hoped it would. I worked a full-time job while writing the books for my contract and with the change in the industry, the books haven't been selling as well as I expected. I still write though and often hope I won't give up writing because things are not working out the way I would like. Writing is the only thing that seems to free me.

    And, Muchabides, I agree with you...I think all we ALL really do need is love. I guess, until both of our Prince Charmings come along we should learn to love ourselves first (I know, easier said than done). I think we are going to be fine, you and I both. When you feel sad please come on the forum. It really helped me last night. I was actually able to sleep for an hour or two.

    Hang in there! Your kids really do need you, as do mine. Every time I think about taking my life, I think about the lifelong memory and legacy that will leave my kids and I stop.
  5. mtee

    mtee New Member

    Thank you Witty. Your post helped more than you know. I'm trying my best to hang in there.
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