I just want to be happy

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by mixedemotions, Aug 20, 2009.

  1. mixedemotions

    mixedemotions Forum Buddy

    I just want to scream until I can’t scream any longer and see how many people notice that I am screaming and what for. Some times I feel as though I am invisible and there is only one person who can see and hear me. See that I’m in pain, suffering and depressed, hear that I need help. I need support and it’s not all just in my head. I know its not, if it was, then drugs would sort it out, they don’t they just ease the pain. I can’t go on much longer. The urges to self harm are strong and more dangerous than every before. In the past I have let them win but I’m determined to now give in this time. I don’t want to hurt my self any more, I realise now that it is not me that needs punished for the things that have gone wrong. And although the cutting, nipping, burning, biting, scratching and semi drowning might help but just for a short while. I don’t want to do these things any more. And I know that is my family knew I did this to my self they would blame their selves. And really its not their fault. Its no ones fault. Well I don’t know. I suppose I could blame people for certain things that have fucked my life up so much, but they didn’t do all the harm. It was just a bit of every thing. From abuse to betrayal, I don’t know what to do any more. I’ve done the drugs, both illegal and prescribed, I’ve done the counselling and soon my time will be running out. I have until the end of September to show my psyche that I don’t need any more help, but I know I do, just thinking about not having the psyche to talk to makes me anxious. I just don’t know where to turn. I know I’m not going to be ready by the end of next month, but if I’m not then I will be referred to another psyche and I may have to pay for it, and I cant afford it. And I have trust issues, it took me ages to trust this guy, I’m going to have form a whole new relationship, with some one who is paid to listen. Maybe if my family were willing to listen and not just butt in, I would just do it at home. But know, they always have some thing negative to say, or tell me to ‘shut up, stop worrying’. Or the worst… ‘stop making things sound worse than they are’

    Meh, I don’t even know if this makes any sense, and if I’ve even got my point across, but I just don’t know how to feel and where to turn to next. I should be grateful for all the support I have had, but some times I just wish it was me. And this may sound horrible but some times I wish that I was the only one like this, so I could get more like with my psyche, some times I wish I had the guts to talk about this more freely. I just don’t know. I’m scared in case I’m not ready to do this alone and I’m scared in case I am. I don’t want things to change. I just want to be happy.

    I don’t want my brother to be prison any more, and I don’t want him to be so far away from me. I just want him to come home and to be safe but I know that is never going to happen, I want every thing to go back to ‘normal’ when none of this happened. I want my other brother to be happy with his children in a nice house he can call his own. I want my sister to be less stressed and to be happy, to stop worrying about her pregnancy and to be happy because she deserves it. I want to see my uncle and aunts in Canada more often. I want to see my niece and nephew, I want to be able to take them out and spoil them. They are children I want them to be safe and not terrified of some one who is meant to love them. We are not going to hurt them; it is that bitch that is doing that. I want the person who abused me to be found out and branded like he should be. I want him to suffer like I have, but I’m scared to tell any one, only four people know any thing about it. Him, me and the two people I know I can trust, one in which is paid to listen, the other is my boyfriend. I just don’t know what to any more. I’m so angry at the world and I just want to escape from it. I never will be able too though, they can’t get rid of some ones memory. There is good things I want to remember, and I’m sure if I thought long enough and hard enough they would over power the bad things, but I just don’t have the energy. I find it strange that people remember the bad things more than the good. Why is that? I don’t know. Is it our minds sick way to torture us, or is it god. I don’t know. I just don’t understand. I wish I could be happy. I wish things were simplyf
     
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Just a quick :hug: to try and help make you feel a little better.
     
  3. mixedemotions

    mixedemotions Forum Buddy

    Thank you. Some times a hug is all I need but I'm scared to hug incase the tears start. Although I want more support from my family I'm scared to tell them the whole truth, they have already been through so much. I just want them to listen and not ask questions. Just let me talk about things in my own time. I just don't know what to do.
     
  4. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Well sometimes the tears help just as much as a hug. Sometimes letting them out helps to wash away some of the pain. I've got a big box of tissue and a comfortable shoulder if you're interested? I know the frustration of wanting to talk, to just be heard and not questioned or harassed. I think generally our families mean well but they cant understand and they handle what they hear a little poorly. Not because they mean to but because they dont know what else to do. And it is noble of you to think of your family and what they are going through right now. So if you can wait til the time is a little better to open up, then in the mean time you have SF hun. No judging or denials just people to listen and support you. PM any time you need to.
     
  5. mixedemotions

    mixedemotions Forum Buddy

    Thank you so much, I really wish I could have your shoulder, some times I feel talking to some one you don't know can make good things happen. Knowing that they will listen and support you, not having to worry about them taking sides. I just want to be he heard. My boyfriend uses this forum and I'm not sure if he has seen this thread, I'm scared to tell him how I'm feeling right now because I don't want to ruin the good mood he has been in lately. I just don't know.

    Some times when I'm really down, I look to my mam for advice and I wish I had the strength to tell her whats really wrong with me, why I'm so depressed and how it is not her fault. If it wasn't for my mother I don't think I would be here, I'm just scared to tell the truth.

    I can be sat in a crowded room, full of people that I kow care about me and love me, but still I feel alone. I feel as though even if I did speak out they wouldn't hear the real problem. I'm so confussed. Some times I even find it hard to tell my pysche every thing I want to, some times I wonder if printing off some of threads or posts on here could give him a better insight. I'm just not sure if it would help at all.

    Urgh, I should shut up and just move on. Get over the past, it cant be changed. I know that. I should stop letting it get in the way of my future but it does. I'm scared of being found out, I'm terrified of people knowing the truth. Alot of people are very judging these days. And every one jumps to conclusions. I'm scared that I fuck up the rest of my life.
     
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hear you and i know what it is like to keep secrets It only eats you up from inside out. Is there anyone else you can talk to. A councillor a priest minister anyone. The best person to tell is a therapist because then they will help you deal with all the pain your in. A therapist also will keep your secret and not judge you. Can you talk to someone on crisis line I only say this because hearing a real voice can help alot too. Just know we care and i am listening so anytime you need to let it all out do it here okay no one will judge you and we will support you too.
     
  7. mixedemotions

    mixedemotions Forum Buddy

    I have tried to ring a crisis line before but I couldn't pull the courage to tell them why I was feeling so depressed.
    Talking to my therapist does really help but I'm scared that our relationship, (well patient, helper) will end so fast. I'm a little scared that I screw every thing up.
    I was sat talking to my boyfriend the other night and just letting some of the pain slip out seemed to help. He just sat and listened, didnt jump in and ask me questions.
    He made me realise that even if I have to stop seeing my pysche all together, or if I have to be referred to some one new, then I have the support at home to help me. Maybe I am stronger than I think, I don't know.

    I tried talking to my mam about this and she told me that "you are strong because I'm strong and I made you, so you'll be strong."
    At this point I just cried, I don't think she realise that she because 'she is' doesnt mean I am, or the rest of my siblings. She also went on to tell me that when she is down she goes to talk to her priest, but I don't think that would help for me. I'm just scared incase he tells my mother. I know he is not meant to but I'm scared.
     
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I think talking to your doctor is good because they have the right ways of helping you. If you get a new dr then thats good too always good to have new outlook into helping you. I am so glad you boyfriend is there to listen because sometimes thats all it takes is someone to listen. Hope you feel better now take care okay