I just want to feel like I'm loved for who I am, quirks, bad habits and all. I'm not a very easy person to get along with at times and I know this, but I genuinely mean well and care about people. But I feel like I don't get much in return. I have a significant other (boyfriend) and it's even hard for me to believe he cares or loves me at times. He isn't the same type of person I am, I'm a people pleaser and sometimes get my feelings hurt easily by him and will still do almost anything for him and he's more a person who stands up for himself and will fire back when I say something, so we clash. I have depression but I'm not in therapy and lately I struggle with vertigo and pain in my sides and back, and that combined with doubting that I'm loved honestly makes me not care if one day I don't wake up. I feel like I'm giving up on life. Today I looked up painless ways to die because sometimes I feel like inside I'm already dying. I'm sorry if this post is all over the place I'm feeling down and sad after a screaming match with the boyfriend. I don't think this is how life is supposed to be, I never imagined one day I'd be laying on my bed at 10:50 PM listening to my blood pulsing through my veins and holding a washcloth to my face because I'm crying and the tears won't stop flowing. I thought things would turn out great and I know I'm in control of that but I do not have the strength right now to take control.