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I Just Want to be Understood.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by DrewJava, Feb 3, 2013.

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  1. DrewJava

    DrewJava New Member

    Hi, I'm fourteen year old guy, I'm in ninth grade and I go to a catholic school where the guys always haave to be uber-masculine to be accepted.
    All my life I've been different. When I was in kindergarten to the third grade I never had any friends. Most of my love came from my two sisters. But when I was stuck with toy trucks and leapfrog laptops and my sisters were playing with their Barbies, I always wanted to join them, but I wasn't allowed, because everyone thinks Barbies are gender restricted. I never thought much of the importance of friends until the third grade when I met a guy who I'd play "SuperPowers" with, but shortly after we'd be besties for a month, he'd ditch me, then come back, and ditch me, then come back. Like a pattern. So I'd have a friend, then be friendless. It was like that until fourth grade where I kind of officially had a clique of me, and two other guys. We'd have sleepovers and share secrets and hang out at recess. Fifth grade came along, and so did I. I didn't know what changed in me. When did I have so many friends? When did people become so interested in me. Sixth grade passed and I was pretty popular in my school. Seventh grade was a hit to my clique, and only me and one friend remained bestfriends. By eighth grade I was always out and hanging out, going to the parties and slipping into the highschoolers parties, too. I became a kind of person that was really, really kind to my group of friends, the advice giver, the crazy one, shy at first, but loud after a day or two. But I developed this crazy thing since like, sixth grade. Being feminine. Now, back in elementary, it wasn't that big, you could barely notice it, and guys actually hung around me. Then came grad, and BANG. When I think my life is happy, flip it 180 as I get transferred to a school by myself, leaving all my elementary friends. My family starts having problems, one of my sisters absolutely hates me, and I just can't figure it out. She provokes me and gets me into trouble, as a way to make her seem like a better child, when she's not. I start ninth grade with no friends, by week to I make friends with a few girls, week three more girls, and as the month passes I get more and more popular and it's like I never left middle school, except- guys hate me. So much. I think it's because I'm feminine. But I'm not that feminine, like when I want to I'll be b*tchy but noone minds because I don't insult anyone, and guys sometimes mistake my faux-confidence with OVER confidence. Girls tell me that they're jealous because I'm natural with girls and I know how to charm them (let me mention I'm asexual, I don't have an interest in anyone at all) but more and more of my friends keep coming up to me telling me this guy absolutely hates me or another guy is talking sh*t about me, or some guy wants to punch me (which is a total bluff). Now I'm reconsidering myself as a a person. Is this who I want to be? The guys won't stop hating me no matter what I do, and now things are getting worse cause these two guys are starting to call me f*cking homo and fag. But I just ignore them. Any time they come face to face with me, I tilt my head just a teensy bit higher and to the right (which I read shows authority) and I kind of like, look them in the eye for a few seconds then I walk past them. But these things get to me. My own gender hates me so much. When I'm at the caf I look around and I see only girls and I feel disgusted with myself like I don't belong, then I go home and my sister manipulates and gets me into trouble and my dad's literally hopping into a heart attack and he always takes his anger out on me, yelling at mw and telling me I'm not as good as my sister because she's bringing home 90s and I'm a failure for settling for 70s. I do love my family, I love my mom, my two sisters and my dad. But 95% of the time when I'm home, I don't feel loved, because they tell me I'm selfish, I'm rude, I'm crass, I'm disgusting. So I don't feel welcome at home or school. I don't even feel welcome in my own skin. I walk down the halls of school just knowing I'm getting judged because people give me dirty looks and sh*t. But I'm a good person, I care for my friends and I want what's best for them, but now it feels like they care less for me. I try to smile and ignore the rumours and the shit people say but it gets to me. The one guy friend that I had, is purposely ignoring me now and won't even acknowledge my prescense. I know I'm I don't have the worst of problems but I just want someone to understand me. Someone who won't judge me and tell me I'm a b*tch or I'm pathetic. I'm actually so f*cking done with everyone. I'm done with with all the things people say about me without even meeting me. I'm done with caring for people, when they don't even try to reciprocate. I'm done with people just judging me and hating me and thinking that my world is strawberries and strudels because it's not! Can't people get that? I don't want to show off my abs and slap girls' asses and brag about weekly masturbation because I don't want to! I'm me, not you, not him, not some fake, over tanned star from Jersey Shore, I'LL BE WHO I AM IF IT MAKES ME HAPPY. Can't people get that? I can be the best friend anyone can have, (as long as you don't treat me like a pushover). Why can't anyone just accept me for me? Why do I have to be the one that's misunderstood? How do I fix my problem without changing who I am?
  2. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    You are you, you're okay with that and so am I. Do you really think the fake tans feel the same about THEMSELVES?
  3. scarlettdrknss

    scarlettdrknss Well-Known Member

    Like Theodora said, you are you and you should stay that way. You sound like an awesome person, don't change that just because of pressure from the society. It'd be sad if you would. You seem to like who you are and that's very important. There are people out there who will accept you just the way you are too. You just need to find them. Considering you're only 14 you still have a whole life time ahead of you. I'm only a few years older myself and I'm lways hearing "teen years are the hardest" and I've started to set hope in that. You're just going to have to deal with how the others are acting, I guess. Yeah, that sounds stupid, but think about it, if they act that way, would you really want to change to be accepted by them if you could find a true friend by staying who you are? I know it's hard to find true friends, they're rare. But when you find one and be yourself, then they'll stay basically forever.
    Wish you all he best :)
  4. C-Angel

    C-Angel New Member

    I sorry to hear that.Although,I am afraid of some kind of misunderstanding,but I still want to say,you are really the friend that I am always dreaming of.Because you are kind,and you are not like others who are careless,and selfish.I am sorry for what you've been through.I was popular at my primary school,too.But I lost all the friends at Junior High because we went to different schools to study.I was lonely.I was kind of bullied by other girls,but my parents never help me to find a way.They asked me to accept that.I don't understand why.I am quiet at school,so,no one will play a joke on me because of a single little word.The only thing that can make me is that,I have some friends as penfriends on the Internet.They make my life better.Finally,I just want to send my best wishes to you.And...hope everything will be fine with you.
  5. HereToHelp7

    HereToHelp7 New Member

    I understand you. I think I'm asexual as well, never really been interested in either gender and I think people have assumed I'm a lesbian because of it. But I don't think you should change yourself, being different is a good thing, more people should be different & not follow the crowd. And people are always going to judge you regardless of who you are or what you do but you're just going to have to deal with that just like we all do.
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