Hey, this is gonna be a bit long. I just want to have this registered in some place. I never had the chance or courage to write something down but now im doing it. I have lost my sister to suicide almost 8 years ago, but the pain is still the same for me and probably for my parents too. After what happened i lost my notion of self and became familiar with firstly a great feeling of numbness and then, more recently, much disgust for the person i am now. Fortunately, i met i girl that made sticking around this world worth it. We had been together for 5 years. Most of the only good memories i have of my "after 2006" life are with her. But recently she broke up with me and i cant help but feel betrayed. I really thought something like this couldn't happen. I thought we were meant to be, that she wanted to be with me forever...and i cant bear to see her throw away all the things we did in these 5 years...she says she cant be happy with me anymore, and as much as i rationally understand that, i cant help but madly desire this is just not true. It hurts so damn much. I have felt suicidal sometimes but the last week was just shitty...I cant take the thought of dying off my mind. I just feel so pathetic that i cant understand how i even deserved to have her in the first place, nor have anything good at all. I feel weak and when i look down the appartment building all the way to the street and imagine myself falling, it just feels so...intense and relieving. Like nothing before this. It's really, really tempting. But i know, when I look at my parents, that it would be so unfair to them. I can't imagine how hard it is for them to cope with losing my sister years ago and I think it probably wouldn't do them good to lose another child in the same way. But it doesn't help that i have no perspective and dying seems so tempting.