I just want to die already but it would be so unfair to my parents

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by seila, Mar 13, 2014.

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  1. seila

    seila New Member

    Hey, this is gonna be a bit long. I just want to have this registered in some place. I never had the chance or courage to write something down but now im doing it.

    I have lost my sister to suicide almost 8 years ago, but the pain is still the same for me and probably for my parents too. After what happened i lost my notion of self and became familiar with firstly a great feeling of numbness and then, more recently, much disgust for the person i am now.

    Fortunately, i met i girl that made sticking around this world worth it. We had been together for 5 years. Most of the only good memories i have of my "after 2006" life are with her. But recently she broke up with me and i cant help but feel betrayed. I really thought something like this couldn't happen. I thought we were meant to be, that she wanted to be with me forever...and i cant bear to see her throw away all the things we did in these 5 years...she says she cant be happy with me anymore, and as much as i rationally understand that, i cant help but madly desire this is just not true. It hurts so damn much.

    I have felt suicidal sometimes but the last week was just shitty...I cant take the thought of dying off my mind. I just feel so pathetic that i cant understand how i even deserved to have her in the first place, nor have anything good at all. I feel weak and when i look down the appartment building all the way to the street and imagine myself falling, it just feels so...intense and relieving. Like nothing before this. It's really, really tempting. But i know, when I look at my parents, that it would be so unfair to them. I can't imagine how hard it is for them to cope with losing my sister years ago and I think it probably wouldn't do them good to lose another child in the same way. But it doesn't help that i have no perspective and dying seems so tempting.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i lost my bro to suicide and it too me away with him really and like you i hold on as i do not want to cause others pain You found one person you can find another person ok one that will stick with you and not leave you Just i know you are grieving for the loss of a dream right now and it hurts but that pain will decrease it will and you will find someone else You just somehow need to get yourself out there again do not isolate hugs
     
  3. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    hi. I am so sorry that you lost your sister to suicide. This must have been so horriffic. A pain that does not ever go away on many levels. I am also sorry that your girlfriend broke up with you.

    I totally understand what you say about not wanting to put your parents through another loss of a child. I feel the same with my mother. While I so want to die, I know I cannot make her lose another "child". How could I ever do that? I could not. I also have other reasons why I would not go through with it. But it does not change the longing to stop the pain in the only way that seems feasable.

    I know for me that counseling would help a lot. Do you think it might help to do a bit of counseling for the pain of the breakup? Sometimes one loss brings up more stuff around the original loss, if you know what I mean. I dont know. Its just a thought I had. So I thought I would write it. I could be totally wrong regarding it.

    I am glad you joined this community. I think its a great one. I hope you will keep posting. And again, I am sorry
     
  4. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Sorry to hear that you are suffering. It's hard to get over a loss of life when your down yourself. All I can say take one day at time. Like flowers says perhaps chatting to someone will help you. All I can says please take care and keep posting. We are all here to help each other in times of own struggles.

    Also, welcome to the forum.
     
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