I just want to die, Tired of everything.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Dwade09, Dec 7, 2012.

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  1. Dwade09

    Dwade09 Banned Member

    I am 31 next month I will be 32.

    Dec 9th at 9:11pm 2011, I met the woman who stole my heart and Who I fell madly inlove with. We talked and talked for 2 months then in february 2012 we started dating, I knew she had 2 children and an ex husband kids are 6 daughter, son 15, she is 34, We clicked so well and so hard everything in common.

    First month in she said her ex was stalking her, Second month in she said she had cancer, Third month and Fourth month in, nothing happened. Take note we seen each other once a week from jan through feb, then in march it went to once every other week april it was two times.

    May 5th I get a txt at 630 off her phone saying this is her mother she had emergency surgery and she is 100% cancer free she almost died 5 times but she is okay.

    Then I get a txt saying this is her ex, are you two really inlove ? i dont care if you are or not just leave my ex alone so i can get her back.

    Then a few hours later she was texting me, We would talk and stuff, Well 2 weeks later she gets out and I get a text at 3 am saying my mom is trying to kill her self she had a seizure, this coming from the 6 yr old. I said well call your aunt or granny, your mom won’t tell me where she lives or where she is at. I can’t do anything. the next day she tells me her ex is there and refuses to leave and is going to stay for awhile to keep an eye on her. Well during this two weeks and her refusing to let me around or her come around, I still keep trying with her.

    I get a text around june 8th saying I am being admitted into a mental ward because I tried killing myself again and My ex is admitting me in there, also I am pregnant 4 weeks pregnant by my ex, he raped me the day after surgery.

    Well during this mental ward thing, she told me the name of it and the address, I tell her I don’t care I love you and I want to be with you so I can handle it and I will adopt the babies and claim them as mine, She told me she was pregnant with 5 babies. during the mental ward time she had miscarries so she said.

    Lost them all and almost died during it.

    Well she get’s out of the mental ward and she told me her ex raped her 14 times during the 2 weeks he was with her.

    Well we still keep trying, She refused to come around so from april to aug I hadn’t seen her once till aug 6th 7th 8th, She stayed 3 day’s during those 3 day’s it was as if nothing happened, Till the last day, before she left, she said her cancer is back.

    So she still refused to let me come around and still denied coming around, All I had was her cell number, The mental ward I found out last month is a obgyn clinic, I found out she was never in a mental ward, She lied to me about her ex’s last name said it was davis when it is henry. I found out she was living in one town and said she was living in a town 224 miles south of that town.

    She still tells me she loves me and wants to be with me, and say’s come dec 20th she want’s me to move in with her.

    I am still madly inlove with her and I still want to be with her, but at the same time I am extremely depressed and finding myself thinking of suicide alot. I am tired of being hurt by her and I am tired of being used by her. I found out she uses guys for money and for sex to try to get pregnant, found out the money she get’s off guy’s are for hard core drugs like crack and 8balls.

    I ended it tonight, I am more miserable and more alone then I was when I was supposedly with her. I fear she is all I will ever get or be with. I still love her with all my heart. I get rejected and turned down and shot down by every woman, Everything I do in life I fail at doing, I can never do anything right, I make a mess out of thing’s more then there was.

    I am stupid to the point I can’t really learn thing’s I am on social security and disability Social security for my mental depression and my learning disability, and on disability because I broke my back 11 yrs ago 2 yrs rehab to learn to rewalk.

    I can’t work, I live with my aunt and her son, I have no car, I am 576lbs and I can not lose weight, Everything I try fails on the weight, I found out recently only thing will work is surgery because I carry not one but two parts of the fat gene I get it from my mom and dad’s side. I carry the fat gene on both sides of my parent’s so it makes it even tougher and almost impossible to lose without surgery. My insurance refuses to pay for it unless it is some type of health disease hazard that is causing my weight.

    I get used by women because I am a kind caring loving guy, I get rejected and laughed at by women in person and online, I get humiliated by women in person. I can not get a date no matter how many women I ask out. I can not get a job no matter how many applications I fill out. I can not do much stuff no matter what I try to better my life, I get knocked down harder then I was when I got up to try to better my life.

    As of right now I am looking at the ground face down and it feels like I have a 100 ton elephant on my back and I can not get it off of me so I can get up.

    I have no friend’s and only two family members. I am utterly and totally alone. I have a 500 dollar crappy laptop that has integrated graphics and can hardly play games, I have one decent shirt and one decent pair pants the rest are ragged. I have a mattress on the floor with springs poking through and cutting into me.

    I am to my break, I have nothing and no one, There is no point in living anymore but yet I still keep living. I feel dead inside and I am just waiting for the outside of me to die along with the inside.

    I can’t keep going anymore, There is no point at least it is how I feel, Like there is no point in keeping on, I can not take anymore heart breaks and failures in life, I can not take anymore disappointments, I can not take anymore. I am literally right there on my breaking point.

    3 days ago I sent her 180 dollars because she said she had to pay for a speeding ticket or she was going to go to jail and get arrested, because I believed her I sent her the money and us thinking we were really working this out with us, and I move in with her on the 20th of this month like she kept promising me. Well for the past two day's after I sent her the 180 via money gram because she is supposed to be 200+ miles away from me, She has been avoiding my calls and texts for the past 3 days. I am a f**king moron and idiot and a retard for thinking differently and for believing her. I just want to die, I want the pain and suffering to stop the misery and torture to stop. I literally can't take it anymore. My heart is so shattered and torn to pieces that I am completely numb to everything and everyone. My whole world is turned upside down and inside out. I don't know what to do anymore.
    I know I have to let her go. No use into holding onto someone who clearly was using me and does not love me and has been lying to me since day one. I should have known better. especially sending her 180.00 dollars. in total she owes me a good 4 thousand dollars for this whole year. I know i will never see the money and I know I never should have sent it. I just love her so much I was trusting what she was telling me to be true. Because I wanted it to be true so badly.

    I wanted everything she said to be true so badly. I don’t think I can move on, I keep thinking about the good times we did have in person and on the phone. I don’t think I can move on even though I need to.

    <mod edit - link to pessonal picture> And I guess every woman is right, I am too fat and too ugly to get anyone and I guess I was fooling myself in thinking she really did love and want me.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 7, 2012
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am sorry for the course of events in your relationship. I will speculate a fair bit and tell you my impressions. First - it is not your fault or strange that you developed feelings and love for her. I am not sure how many times you gave her money or if you gave her money every time you met - but if you did not give her money at each meeting then she had feelings for you as well. Unfortunately she has a very serious drug abuse problem, like many other people in this world, and until she fixes that she will never be able to maintain a real relationship as the drugs will always be her first priority - above you , children and everything else in life. You did the right thing in breaking it off. Be strong and do not give her any more money for any reason whatsoever - it is hurting her in the long run and hurting yourself as well
    For insurance - see if Dr will write appeal to insurance on your behalf saying the surgery is a medical necessity and will alleviate back problems likely reducing future needs in that area as well as caused by inability to lose weight due to medical condition (back) making exercise near impossible and diet alone will not address weight issue in a timely manner. If you can get the doctor involved it may well get done. I am assuming insurance is medicare as you are on disability and there is no hard fast rule about gastric bypass - also check with other Dr or medical facility to ensure it is not more of a case they do not want to do based on medicare payment amount and some other may. Sometimes unfortunately it is a matter of money. Make sure if you do not already have you enroll in Medicare part B to cover outpatient costs as well - it is open enrollment now - look into part B outpatient and part D prescription coverage if needed or a medicare supplement to alleviate cost concerns for both you and the hospital. If your Dr is requiring the 10% loss rule before surgery see if enrolling in a dietary education program will cover that instead if you are unable to lose the required 10%.

    You do not need to be alone and you can find love and a relationship again. You come across as a very nice and good person and that does count for a lot. There are just as many women out there struggling with similar issues as you and a few billion more besides. Keep looking and you will find it. If this woman genuinely deals with her drug issue then perhaps at some point in the future there may be something there again as well - just make it absolutely clear no more money is coming ever but happy to email if she like while working through her struggles if you are comfortable with that - if not then clean break blocking phone and email is best.

    Please let us know how you are doing and talk to us anytime here on the forum or in th echat room.

    Take Care and Be Safe

  3. Dwade09

    Dwade09 Banned Member

    I ended it today, we have hardly been talking these past 5 days and she said she might not be able to get into the apartment now on the 20th, gave me another line of bs like usual, so i just ended it today no more. im walking away 100% it doesn't matter anymore to me.
  4. jonsmith

    jonsmith Well-Known Member

    hi dwade,

    i feel your pain. because you are not an "in demand" guy you are willing to endure unacceptable behavior from a woman. for now eat healthy. despite your gentic predisposition if you eat healthy and cut out junk food and breads you will lose at least some weight
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