I just want to die

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Butterfly, Mar 23, 2014.

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  1. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I'm useless and not good for anything. The world is better off without me.
     
  2. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I am so sorry you are in so much pain. So very sorry. you are a very good human being. And the world is fortunate to have you alive living on earth. We all are fortunate to have your good heart here, Butterfly. I understand the feeling ( from my own perspective) of "useless and not good for anything". But I would like to just say that perhaps many of us do not really understand our real usefulness and purpose. You are a good person. And you are very impportant to so many of us here. Sf would never ever be the same without you.

    I really cannot agree with the assessment you make of your value, but this does not change the pain that causes you to feel this. and for that I am very sorry. :hug: Please know that your life is important to so many who know and care about you here. I too want to die. So I know ( once again from my own perspective) the pain associated with that need. That feeling of wanting to die. You are good. your iife is important. And I am so grateful for you :hug2: :flowers:
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 23, 2014
  3. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    :thankyoukiss:

    I don't find you useless. You are a tremendous asset to this forum. Your postings and contributions to chat are of great value. I believe you are a nurse. I have been a patient...and have certainly appreciated my nurses. In fact I think nurses are more of an asset then doctors. Nurses really care and are there for you. Doctors seem to seldom be around.

    But I understand where you are coming from. Somehow you have to believe in yourself. That you are worthwhile. Just hearing other people say it only helps a little. You see, I also believe I am worthless, even though other people say otherwise. I wish I knew how we could rapidly change our thoughts. How we could suddenly believe we have value. It would make life so much more pleasant. But all I can do is struggle through each day, and hope that someday I become convinced of my value. I hope that you become convinced of yours soon too.
     
  4. Adam

    Adam SF Supporter

    I am around if you want to talk. Please don't surrender to the misery, lets challenge it together. What has happened?
     
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hugs to you ok you are so worth kindness and care and understanding just as you give to others hun hugs
     
  6. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I've just been feeling very depressed for the past few days. I think starting therapy has ruffled a few feathers within me. Not the therapy itself but I just don't feel worthy of being there. Everyone there have lost everything due to circumstances and I have everything I want apart from stability and I just feel so weak and worthless and useless. I can't help but feel that I am of no use, my brain is hammering it in me that I am no good and useless.

    Thanks for the kind words guys, they really mean a lot to me :hug:
     
  7. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    with help hun with therapy i hope those neg voices in your brain will be silenced once and for all hugs
     
  8. soulreaper

    soulreaper Well-Known Member

    self affirmations might be helpful for, you look in the mirror and say good things about you, focus on the positives not the negitives, change your way of thinking to positive to get positive results.
     
  9. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Its so hard when people ( I do it also) judge ourselves by comparing to others. But maybe those other people who "have lost everything" do not have the inner challenges you have. Which could make you even more worthy than they, if you know what I mean.

    I know its so hard. I do the same thing ( in my own way). I think you are just as in need and worthy as the other people. I think you are just as good and worthy as they. And I think you are just as important as they.

    Maybe the horrible thoughts of "Dont feel worthy of being there" are coming up now because its time to do more work on it. With this new T? Those self slamming thoughts in the "brain" can be so daunting. Believe me, I know. But I know that the voice of your heart is loving good and light. those words do not diminish the challenge, I know. But I wanted to write them anyway :hug: oh, and ps: It takes courage to be in therapy working on this stuff. Huge courage.
     
  10. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I keep trying to remind myself of everything I have, and everything I have to live for. I keep trying to remind myself that despite the challenges and battles I have faced that I have achieved an awful lot, so I can't be THAT useless. But every time I look in the mirror I feel disgusted with myself. I don't know where this has come from, because I don't really suffer with self esteem issues so I am thinking that the therapy has unsettled me. It's hard because I know I am not what my brain wants me to think, but I can't seem to stop myself from feeling like it and believing it. Maybe the next therapy session will be more beneficial and shed some more light on why I'm feeling like this.

    I have also decided that if I am still feeling depressed by this time next week, I will go and see my GP to get some help and support.
     
  11. soulreaper

    soulreaper Well-Known Member

    good luck butterfly!
     
  12. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    Lexi, you are loved very much right here on SF.. Therapy ca be very troubling.. Hits the old wounds squarely.. If hurting too much you need to tell the pros..

    If you get feeling too down and thinking of ending it all, please step back and get some help with it all from the pros..please hon..
     
  13. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    After how I feel today, I just want to give up. I'm sick of crying, I'm sick of how I feel.
     
  14. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Your words remind me of healing crisis. Sometimes those are the times when people are in huge healing mode. A lot of stuff comes up that looks and feels insurmountable. Like stuck in the thick of it. And getting nowhere. But really its a healing mode. Where everything is up and seems futile. I am not saying this is what is happening. But I honestly think its quite possible. During those times extra help and support is very important :hug:

    I do hope you will take Jim's words to hart and reach out to the therapist and others on team Butterfly who help. I say this with great respect for the pain. And also great respect for your good heart. And your heart IS a very good one :pinkheart: :hug:
     
  15. soulreaper

    soulreaper Well-Known Member

    you can still bounce back from this butterfly, make slow a subtile improvements, remember not to be so hard on yourself and when feeling stressed take a bath followed by a nice cup of tea.
     
  16. eddie71

    eddie71 Member

    One day at a time Butterfly, I think therapy in the beginning is difficult but it will get easier. Besides you do good work your the moderator of a site that brings tremendous comfort to people. If thats not something to be proud of I dont know what is.
     
  17. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I think it would be a good idea to see your GP sooner, rather than waiting until next week. Sounds like you need that help and support now.
     
  18. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Maybe I should. My heads a mess.
     
  19. AnaNg

    AnaNg Antiquities Friend

    I just wanted to let you know that I think you're awesome, Butterfly. I totally understand how frustrating and overwhelming therapy can be, especially at the beginning. I agree with those who've said to seek out some additional support. It sounds like you definitely need it. I know it's not easy but I know you're worth it. You are a valuable to so many folks here at SF. I know you were one of the reasons I came back when I first discovered this place. You welcomed me so warmly in chat and listened and I suddenly found that I didn't feel so alone anymore. ((((((((hugs)))))))) Hang in there sweetie and be gentle with yourself. You deserve it!

    ~Ana
     
  20. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Sat here on my break at work in tears. All I can think about is suicide. I've text my dad. I don't think I can cope with this anymore.
     
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