I just want to die

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Im_just_a_spark, Nov 23, 2014.

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  1. Im_just_a_spark

    Im_just_a_spark New Member

    First of all, sorry for any english mistakes, english is not my native language and I'm writing from a cellphone where I don't have any text-proof software.
    Well, as the title suggest, I'm thinking of ending my life. I have wanted to die for years now. I haven't, as I think that killing myself without any good reason besides as how I feel it is not justified, it would be a waste. Instead I have been searching and waiting for a good opportunity to die while doing something that makes my death worth something. However, I haven't been able to find anything, anything at all.
    For years I have known that there was something wrong with me, as I didn't even remember how to feel. Years and years of emotional numbness. I even thought that was some kind of psycopath.
    Also, I never have discussed this with anyone, as I don't have anyone I trully trust. I don't have any true friend, nor a connection with my family. I'm from a very religious country, and all my family members are part of that religion. However, I have known since I'm 13 that I'm an atheist. I can't tell them, they wouldn't stop bugging me because they trully believe that if you don't believe in god then you are going to hell. But as a result, I can't have any satisfactory conversation with them, because they always finish with "it's god will" or other religious oriented argument, and I can't answer without them discovering that I don't believe.
    What changed? Why am I thinking now about suicide now? Well, I met a girl. And now you must be thinking that I'm just a silly boy who got hurt, so let me add more context.
    Right now I'm a college student in a exchange program. Why am I here? I trully don't know. I guess that I'm just satisfying what was expected from me. I'm not interested in what I'm studying, I just choosed it because it looked like the most situable career choice for me, I'm good at it.
    But I have never had any dreams, aspirations, anything. Like I said, all I wanted was to find a suitable reason to die. I came to europe hoping change my enviroment and finally find one, but what happened was that I met an amazing girl.
    For the first time in my life, I fell in love with someone. And for the first time as I can remember, I felt something. Feelings, caring for someone, wanting to be with someone. However, it can't be. I did became her friend, but I know that it can't be. In the almost impossible case that she would agree to give me a chance, I would do her more harm that good by being with her. I would never do that to her. She would have to postpone her dreams, abandon her life expectations, and all for a broken guy. I would never ask her to do that for me.
    Still, I understand that I will eventually get over her. That I will get back to my country and won't see her again. But that is what I'm afraid of. I would gladly live for her, she even made me feel again, but after I get over my feelings, I'm sure that I will go back to the way I was, as it is the only way I know. And I don't want that, I can't do it anymore. That emptiness, I can't become an empty shell again.
    Right now, I just want to ignore my search for a good reason to die and just kill myself. As I have been thinking of it for years, I know how to do it without causing much trouble. I know that it would be devastating for some family members, but I can't go back as I was before. Right now I even know how to make sure that my body goes back to my country.
    So why I'm writting this? Well, I finally know that my problem is that I have been in depression all this time. And that there may have a solution. I'm not hoping for a way to get with the girl I'm talking about, that is not the reason for me wanting to suicide. She was just a catalyst that made me realized my problem. That I'm dead inside and that I have nothing to live for. But as much as I would like to find a reason to live, I don't know how...
     
  2. cjloveee

    cjloveee New Member

    Depression is nasty business, I am no one to give you advice because I myself am "sick". Living for someone else is something I have been doing for quite some time. It is an amazing thing ya know but, it is only a cruel band-aid to cover something. Or rather some sort of temporary distraction, in order to be happy with her forever [assuming she doesn't hurt you] you would have to love yourself first and foremost. That is real, true, and honest.
     
  3. Bart

    Bart Banned Member

    Hi, and welcome to the Forum.

    One thing is missing from your account. There seems to be no sign of your having being helped by anybody to sort out your issues. Be that family, friends or the medical profession. Do you think you can get some help? Sounds like you're carrying a big bag of rocks on your back that needn't be there.
     
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