I just want the pain to stop. I have tried everything. I just spent a month in a mental health hospital at the VA (Veteran Affairs) and discovered they have no programs and very little real help for people like me. I'm on 14 different medications and I am just numb from the pain. I feel so alone. Dating is not even in the realm of possibilities for me due to my numerous physical conditions. Even my brother turned his back to me and that really hurts. I am just tired of hurting. I can't even watch TV anymore because of all the happiness it shows and I can't have that. I can't listen to all the love songs on the radio because I haven't been in love for so long it seems more like a fantasy than a reality. that someone would care so much about someone as fucked up as me. I feel so angry at my son for sexualy molesting my daughter and costing me custody of her. I love her so much. and now her toxic mother has complete control over her and I simply do not know how to accept that. I don't even get a say in her hair is cut. My son is borderline retarded and besides the anger I feel towards him, I feel a lot of worry about his future. My ex wife thanks he is going to college and is pumping him up for failure. My son hates me because I am the only one that is firm with him and holds him accountable. I don't know how to accept all of this and live my life. I have no say in my daughter's upbringing yet I have a lot of responsibilities like taking her to her medical appointments and making sure she does her homework. I simply do not know how to square all of this stuff in my head. I just want to die. I have a lot of medical problems that cause me considerable pain and discomfort and I will have them for the rest of my life. I don't think I want to live that long if that is all that is in my future is loneliness and pain and sickness. I am also the sole caretaker of my sick father, heart failure. I am an atheist so I don't believe in heaven or hell or sin or any of that fairy tale stuff. I believe all we get is one life and when its over its over. That's it. I feel like the weight of all this crushing me and I don't have anyone to talk too that understands. I am seeing a counselor but I only see him every five weeks despite my repeated requests to see him more often. I am tired of fighting a futile fight. I just want to die. At least in death I will be alone as I am in life.