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I just want to die

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by moxman, Jul 24, 2016.

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  1. moxman

    moxman The "Perfect Life" YouTube channel is neat

    I just want the pain to stop. I have tried everything. I just spent a month in a mental health hospital at the VA (Veteran Affairs) and discovered they have no programs and very little real help for people like me. I'm on 14 different medications and I am just numb from the pain.

    I feel so alone. Dating is not even in the realm of possibilities for me due to my numerous physical conditions. Even my brother turned his back to me and that really hurts. I am just tired of hurting. I can't even watch TV anymore because of all the happiness it shows and I can't have that. I can't listen to all the love songs on the radio because I haven't been in love for so long it seems more like a fantasy than a reality. that someone would care so much about someone as fucked up as me.

    I feel so angry at my son for sexualy molesting my daughter and costing me custody of her. I love her so much. and now her toxic mother has complete control over her and I simply do not know how to accept that. I don't even get a say in her hair is cut.

    My son is borderline retarded and besides the anger I feel towards him, I feel a lot of worry about his future. My ex wife thanks he is going to college and is pumping him up for failure. My son hates me because I am the only one that is firm with him and holds him accountable. I don't know how to accept all of this and live my life. I have no say in my daughter's upbringing yet I have a lot of responsibilities like taking her to her medical appointments and making sure she does her homework. I simply do not know how to square all of this stuff in my head. I just want to die.

    I have a lot of medical problems that cause me considerable pain and discomfort and I will have them for the rest of my life. I don't think I want to live that long if that is all that is in my future is loneliness and pain and sickness.

    I am also the sole caretaker of my sick father, heart failure.

    I am an atheist so I don't believe in heaven or hell or sin or any of that fairy tale stuff. I believe all we get is one life and when its over its over. That's it.

    I feel like the weight of all this crushing me and I don't have anyone to talk too that understands. I am seeing a counselor but I only see him every five weeks despite my repeated requests to see him more often. I am tired of fighting a futile fight.

    I just want to die. At least in death I will be alone as I am in life.
  2. Pierce2011

    Pierce2011 Member

    Hi there. I hope I'm not too late as I see you posted this Sunday, but I thought I would reach out.

    I'm also a vet and have been with struggling with the VA for years. Therapists leaving every couple months, people unwilling to help, people who treat you like a child because of your mental health. I know how soul sucking it is to try and get the help you need but not finding it anywhere despite all the paper pamphlets saying there is help available.

    I'm not going to lie to you. I don't know what it's like having children and the struggles of custody issues. But I know very well how devastating it is when family turns their back on you. It makes you feel like you're worth less than the dirt you walk on.

    I too am struggling with exhaustion. Exhaustion of fighting. Exhaustion of trying to be hopeful that things will change for the better. I guess that's why I'm here on the forum... because I have no friends, no family I can count on, and I'm running out of energy to keep going. I don't know.

    This response probably isn't helpful at all, but you're not alone in feeling this way.
  3. Kid B

    Kid B Well-Known Member

    Well you have a fine sense of humour there, I find TV in general extraordinarily miserable.
  4. moxman

    moxman The "Perfect Life" YouTube channel is neat

    Thanks for the reply it really helps to know that I am not the only one that feels this way.

    I talked to a woman at the VA today and I told her how if you have a substance/alcohol abuse boy do we programs for you. If you are a vet with PTSD we have programs for you. If you are suicidal we nothing, zero, zilch. I doubt it would do any good, but it felt good to get it off my chest. Truthfully they will probably readmit me come Friday when I meet with my psychiatrist I will just tell him the truth; I want to die. I really do not want to keep living in this lifetime of pain. I just feel like I am drowning and i have nothing or no one to grab ahold of to help. Today I found out the earliest they could schedule me an appointment to see a counselor was August 30th; over a month away. There is way I will make it that long by myself. I feel like I have four children, 65, 39,17 and 14. and the 14 year old is perhaps more mature than the other three.

    I would give anything to go out with some friends and have a good time away from all of this mess but being a speck of blue in a sea of red kinda limits my options. Plus I have this accursed stutter and every time I stutter it always draws weird looks or people just do not know how to handle so they laugh. Trust me its done loads for my self esteem and self confidence especially with the ladies. But anyways enough of the damn negativity , whats going on with you? What is bringing you to this sunshine corner of www? what demons are you looking to get rid of? I was in the Navy, what branch where you in? I did appreciate your honesty in your message btw.

    Take Care
    DrownedFishOnFire likes this.
  5. moxman

    moxman The "Perfect Life" YouTube channel is neat

    so wise one, Kid B, what do you think is interesting? if TV is miserable, than what is interesting?
  6. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. Please stay strong as we are here to listen and care about you.
  7. Pierce2011

    Pierce2011 Member

    I was in the Army. Throughout my service, I was sexually harassed by my fellow soldiers (I know, big surprise there). And during my deployment, I had the misfortune of working in an office full of men. So when push came to shove, guess who they used as a patsy for their incompetence? Me. Their charade went so far that my NCO locked me in an office alone with him, threw a chair at me, then continued to berrate me until I was cowering on the floor. Then I was expected to continue to work with these men and keep my "professionalism" through the rest of the deployment (six more months). Their behavior was excused because they were men and unable to take responsibility for themselves. Then when I get home, I get a new NCO who singles me out because "oh, he just wants to sleep with you." Because that's a valid excuse.

    Anyhoo, I'm here because I have nowhere else to turn to fight the demons of PTSD, depression and anxiety. Like you, I very much feel like I'm drowning and I don't know how much longer I can tread water because I'm tired. I can't work, so I'm living with my mom. My dad makes me beg him for his help. And my brother thinks all this can be solved with prayer or that it's all my fault, that I'm not trying to get better. Mind you, none of them served. None of them made that sacrifice. My dad overheard me telling a psychiatrist that the phrase "thank you for your service" pisses me off and had the gaul to scold me for it. So with no family support, zero friends, and a VA system that is taking their time in processing my claim, continuing my having to BEG my dad for help, I had nowhere else to turn because the vet crisis line was only pissing me off.

    Sorry... I'm a bit angry. But it is somewhat of a relief to know I'm not alone.
    DrownedFishOnFire likes this.
  8. moxman

    moxman The "Perfect Life" YouTube channel is neat

    Sounds like you are going through hell girl. Stay strong.

    Do you live near a VA center or a big city? Maybe look online for PTSD group meetings in your area and that will help you not be so isolated like you are now. There are some things only a fellow vet can understand. (www.Meetup.com is very handy also) When I was in the mental health hospital, talking to other suicidal vets really helped me the most, for the first time in a long time I did not feel alone. That was such a good feeling. (Why did the only cute girl there have to be the one that jumped from a bridge in a suicide attempt?)

    Now you do know you can track your claim online with https://www.ebenefits.va.gov/ebenefits/vonapp How long have you been waiting on a decision?

    Maybe you could volunteer at the local Veteran's Office , get you out of the house some and away from all of that negativity in your home. Check out www.reddit.com they have lots of PTSD support groups it's all anoyomous. I use it quite a bit. It also has a sub-redit for everything you can think of and even some you shouldn't =)

    I also have PTSD from my childhood, thanks mom your the best, and from getting so sick and almost dieing like five times in a year. All because the Navy doctor totally dropped the ball on getting me seen when my disease was still in its early stages ; if i could sue that bastard I would in a heartbeat. Once for treatment he gave me vitamins , yes vitamins to treat colitis.

    I had a brilliant morning forgot to take my meds this morning so I was in a bad mood all day. My son woke me up by screaming i love you to his girlfriend , lets just say he wont be doing that again. Then captain toxic herself, the ex wife, tries telling me the kids are scared of me and sticking her nose into my business. Both kids denied telling her that. She LOVES to stir up trouble and cause chaos .

    So where are you at with the whole suicide thing? I have it all planned out but in doing it would break my daughters heart , i am not at that point where that is a possibility. what scares the hell out of me is that i am getting to that place and getting there rapidly. I have the urge, the method, the timeframe (once i convince myself to go through it)

    The only thing keeping me here is my daughter. She informed me today I was fourth in heart after her dog, harry potter series and the eragon series (yes books beat me out) then daddy dearest.
  9. Pierce2011

    Pierce2011 Member

    I've been waiting since February, and I check ebenies everyday. They're "waiting on service treatment records" that don't exist because the dumbass medic didn't file the paperwork properly. Lucky me.

    As for suicide, I had a plan... which had contingencies if the first two methods failed. When it formed, I admitted myself to inpatient care because I know if I were to attempt, it wouldn't be an attempt. So right now, I try not to think of it.

    Except I do. Every day. I fear going to sleep because I'm terrified tomorrow won't be better, but I want nothing more than to go to sleep in hopes that I don't wake up. Mornings are decent, some better than others, but by 1500, I'm out of strength to try and "stay positive".

    And hey, No.4 behind dog and fantasy epics is in pretty good standing if your daughter is a bookworm.
    DrownedFishOnFire likes this.
  10. moxman

    moxman The "Perfect Life" YouTube channel is neat

    What do you mean your records do not exist? I would be kicking down some doors to find them.

    I also wish I don't wake up every time I close my eyes. How long were you in the hospital for? I'm probably going back to the one in Salisbury NC on Friday., last time i was there for a month and they still sent me home too early.

    So what do you do for fun? what's your wildest most impossible dream?

    Nice chatting with you but I have to go to bed Ambien has kicked in
  11. Pierce2011

    Pierce2011 Member

    After the incident with my NCO, I spent a few weeks working with combat stress control. All those records aren't in my med file. So the VA is looking for records that were probably shredded and burned by the med det.

    I only spent 9 days there because my mom gave me false hope about an opportunity to go sing with the Sistine Chapel Choir in Rome in November. Mom (at the time) claimed it was being taken care of (it wasn't) and that the conductor was anxious to meet me. That hope made it easier to get out of bed and to have a more positive outlook, so they released me, even though I was still having panic attacks every afternoon... some more prevalent than others.

    Then I got out of the hospital... and nothing had changed... and the hope that I'd grabbed onto like a bouey evaporated because she'd lied. It wasn't taken care of and I lacked the wherewithal to fundraise for it. So safe to say... I'm not going. And the disappointment felt like just another day in the life of me. Get presented hope only to have it ripped from my hands. *sigh*

    Now, fun is a loose term for "surviving". I *used* to write novels. I had three full manuscripts in varying points of the editing process along with three other books outlined. My dream (since I was itty bitty) was to be a NYT Bestselling Author, and live comfortably off my books. Well since I can't bring myself to look at said manuscripts, I can't really expect that dream to come true.

    I also *used* to play cello and violin. Now, I cook or bake to keep my mind and hands busy. Like I said, "fun" is just a loose term for "surviving".

    What about you? What were/are your hopes and dreams? What do you do for fun?
  12. moxman

    moxman The "Perfect Life" YouTube channel is neat

    I honestly do not know what fun is anymore. Yesterday all I did was lie on my bed and watch the fan spin around wondering what had happened to my life, how has it gone so far out of my control. I have no hope anymore.

    Yesterday, I was really considering suicide. How easy it would be to run one end of a garden hose into my cars exhaust and the other end through a cracked open window with me inside. I am not really sure if I want to live anymore, I turn 43 in October and that seems so far away. Madeline is the only thing keeping me here. My trigger event came and went, the government owed me a lot of money and it came in, and that could pay for my funeral, besides chatting with you guys I am unsure of what I am still doing here.

    Last night I had a dream I was being fired from a job, how f'g sad is that? lol I really do wish I could get a "real" job in my field. I have an Associates Degree in Computer Programming and a Bachelor's Degree in Computer Information Systems; but I never had the guts to apply for a single job. Plus at the time I was going through my divorce and my lawyer recommended me staying at the job I was at, even thou it made me miserable, to show the judge stability in hopes of winning custody of both of my children.

    My dream job would be to get a job as a computer programmer. Now my Bachelors degree is six years old and I doubt it is still relevant. Growing up my mother used to tell me frequently how stupid I was and I was so dumb I would screw up a wet dream and other "lovely words of encouragement." I was diagnosed with having PTSD from my childhood and from getting so sick. No one can screw you up worse than dear old mom. I really wish I could go back to school and have a purpose in life again. The Navy was going to be my purpose until I got sick, with ulcerative colitis and seizures.

    But that's life I guess. I really enjoy talking to other people on here and trying to give them advice and hearing their stories, but I am horrible at taking my own advice and i feel like a hypocrite.

    I enjoy reading books, the last book I read was Night Sins by Tami Hoag. And yes it was just as trashy as it sounds =)

    Wow sounds like you are a very talented young lady.

    My daughter also wants to be an author when she grows up, she loves to read.

    Wow, this has taken me an incredibly long time to write.
  13. Pierce2011

    Pierce2011 Member

    That's okay. Some people say some of the best things take the longest... If I were actually "working" toward something, I might believe them.

    I too am completely lost except for this forum. I think attempt the vetcrisis chat on a daily basis, but I usually exit the conversation because they all offer empty "it'll get better"s and "you do have hope"s. I don't need words. I need f'ing actions.

    Today has been an especially hard day. I live on a farm in the middle of nowhere and I keep losing all my favorite kittens. And I do everything I can to keep their eyes clear and make sure they have plenty of water and food. But they just keep dying. I know I'm not the one killing them, but it sure as hell feels that way. Blerg. I just feel trapped in the perpetual cycle of self-loathing and depression and anxiety and anger. Everyday. Like Groundhog day, except like hell.

    And don't worry about being a hypocrite when it comes to this kind of thing. It's one thing to know what to do, it's another if you're having to battle with your brain chemistry to try and do said thing. One of my biggest frustrations while I was inpatient was all of the "coping mechanisms" they were teaching me I already knew. I'm not an idiot. But how the hell am I supposed to "positive self-talk" when my dad keeps vocalizing how I'm an adult and he can't help me, nor does he want to. Okay, he didn't say that last part, but back in February I gave him a book on PTSD and how to help your returning soldier through it. Did he read it? No. In fact, he said, "And I'm not going to because you need someone who's going to tell you how it is and give you a reality check."

    Your daughter needs you. Being a writer is tough and you need all the positive reinforcement you can get.
  14. moxman

    moxman The "Perfect Life" YouTube channel is neat

    I tried the VetCrisis Chat onetime and I felt like the blew me off because I brought up medical marijuana, so I never went back. They did make me a promise of getting into a counselor twice a week, which I feel like I need. The next morning I received a phone call from a lady from the VA and she told me she had received my information and would be hooking me up with a counselor through the VA Choice program. That never happened.

    I have an emergency meeting tomorrow with my psychiatrist. I may request to go back into the hospital until my counseling appointment. Unless he can get me into a counselor sooner. Otherwise i am not sure I will be safe. But if I can not start seeing a counselor of some type on a much more frequent basis I do not know what I will do. I can't spend my life in the hospital because I am scared I will hurt myself. At the same time I just don't know what else to do. It's like I keep eliminating things from my life that upset me and now I have nothing else to eliminate.

    Madeline and I went out to dinner tonight to a Japanese Restaurant and we had fun; being our goofy selves. It felt good to laugh and just be silly with her. She is so much like me it is scary. I have nicknamed her "the boss" because she has always bossed me around lol.

    I joined the Navy because it offered me the first flight out of my hellish home life and because i was trying my damnest to break out of the friend zone of a girl. (Didn't work she was hopelessly in love with my brother) What about you why did you join the Army?

    Sorry to hear about your favorite kitten. I'm telling you get on Reddit, they have a subreddit called Awwww, all it is pictures/gifs of kittens and puppies. It is totally anonymous also so no one would bother you.

    My dad and I have the total opposite of you and your dad. He knows that I am suicidal but he has never one time brought it up. He lied to my whole family to give me cover while I was in the hospital; he told them I was hospitalized for my stomach. We have different opinions on just about everything but it's understood we just don't discuss stuff we do don't agree on. Especially the whole he's "religious" (except for when I am helping navigate a porn website) and me being an Atheist. It's weird being the parent of the parent.

    Check out the Graham Norton show on YouTube, its a British Talk Show and it's really funny and more risque than talk shows here in America.
  15. Pierce2011

    Pierce2011 Member

    I'm glad to hear you had a good evening with your daughter. She sounds like a very special little girl.

    I joined the Army to pay for college. Except I deployed shortly after training and PTSD kept me from actually using the benefit. Blerg.

    Unfortunately, it's been more than one kitten. Try seven. And I'm probably going to loose another one today. And my bordercollie, whom I love dearly, isn't exactly a friend to them, so when she snaps at the kittens I'm attempting to nurse back to health, I go off. I can't hold it together anymore and I'm pretty sure the VA is tired of me calling, begging them for good news. I just needs some good news. Something to hold on to. The good news for today is that they "have everything they need and that you'll definitely get service connected." The bad news is they get to sit in their office with their bills paid and freedom of healthcare and take their own sweet time coming to a decision. So I just have to be "patient". It feels like I'm drowning, screaming for help, and the lifesaver is having a conversation with his friend safely on the shore, getting annoyed that he has to get in the water to pull me out.

    I'm familiar with Graham Norton, and he is hilarious. If you're a Doctor Who fan, look up the skit from the Catherine Tate Show with David Tennant. Youtube is full of awesome things. Look up the channels "Jack & Dean" and "Tomska". Both are independent skit comedy artists out of Great Britain.
  16. moxman

    moxman The "Perfect Life" YouTube channel is neat

    I hate to hear about your ongoing kitten saga, any idea what is happening to them? It can't be easy for you.

    It is great that they have your records and you'll get service connected. Is there a VA close to where you live?

    Maybe you should apply to get a PTSD service animal to help you out. I saw three this morning at my horrible doctor's appointment.

    So how does your PTSD affect you, it seems to affect everyone differently; mine makes me feel worthless sometimes and I have flashbacks or I hear things that are not there. (It sounds like something out of a videogame, it only started during my hospital stay last month, but it has stopped for now) I am not sure if it is because the medication I started caused it or if the medication i am taking stopped it somehow, it's mostly just annoying.

    Where did you deploy too? I did a six month "float" off the coast of Somalia. I was on an amphibious assault ship , https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/USS_Inchon, we were basically a Marine taxi. We would take the Marines to shore via the helicopters and then support them. Then we came home and we were called back out after four days to go to Haiti. Visited the ports of Naples and Trieste Italy, Rota Spain, Haifa Israel. Naples was nice except they had brown water coming out of their fountains and smelled like piss. Had a lot of transexuals there too, had a friend pick one up and he had no clue lol. Trieste was just like a small city, it was nice. Rota Spain was just a big base, it was our first port after crossing the Atlantic. Haifa Israel was nice , had very beautiful women with their exotic skin complexion. Got drunk there called my "sister", Heather wanting to chat with her instead got her mom crying because Heather was pregnant and moved out of the house. Talking about a buzzkill, lol. What about where all did you go see and do? I was only an E3 I couldn't afford to go on any of the tours or anything. It was fun, had a best friend Jeff we hung out a lot. I wonder whatever happened to him.

    Had a horrible doctor's visit today. I go to the VA expecting see one Dr., that I really like, and instead I am seeing another Dr. I never even met and he just asked me if I was still suicidal, I said yes and if I had a plan I said yes and that was it didn't alarmed or concerned just started adjusting my meds. It was one of those appointments you are in and out so fast it seems like a blur. I really don't like him I hope he's not my new psychiatrist. Found out I was wrong about my counseling appointment it is not a counseling appointment at all , it is a "BHIP" intake evaluation whatever the hell that is. So now I have no idea of when I will see a counselor, I may put in an emergency request to see someone. I really do not feel like I am doing well.

    Turns out my son has been going behind my back to my dad for all kinds of stuff, that really pissed me off. I just have not had a good day and I ready for this day to be over.

    I hope your having a better day than I am.
  17. I wish the VA could take better care of people. All I ever hear are horror stories. Thanks for responding to my post, and for pointing me to yours. It really does help just to read about what others are going through. I know most people haven't, but it's one of my greater shames that I never served. Tried, even the Army wouldn't take me. I always like saying that to Army guys, "not even the army would take me, can you believe it??". How is your world today? We have a commonality, my daughter keeps me here too.
    DrownedFishOnFire likes this.
  18. moxman

    moxman The "Perfect Life" YouTube channel is neat

    My world is at a standstill. I feel like I can not move forward due to my health and it is so frustrating. I am not having a good day, just feel very alone and isolated.
  19. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Wondering if there is Vets support groups out there so you guys know you're not alone. My grandfather never talks about his service in the WWII war. Ever. My cousin was deployed to Iraq and has PSTD. Its hard to see what US spend in combat but forget how to take care or want to be accountable to pick up the pieces. VA mental health is a joke.
  20. moxman

    moxman The "Perfect Life" YouTube channel is neat

    I agree especially two wars that have lasted this long. I really feel like it is weaking us from an attack form China or some thing.
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