I just want to die.

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by lost_child, Dec 12, 2007.

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  1. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    How much more do I have to take. I feel like all I do is complain, remember things about the past. Find out things that I've accepted as normal, not apprentely being normal.

    Sunday will be 2 years since I was raped, I guess after it happened I done what I always do, try to forget it by what ever means necessary, drinking, self harming, using crack, anything to numb out the pain...but no matter how hard I tried to get on with life, on the 30th January 2006 my world crashed...flashbacks, memories, everything I'd left in the past, had "forgotton" started to come back with a vengenance. On that day I took my first overdose (since the last attempt when I was 15, which was 11 years before)...life ended that day.

    Since then I've had memories, thinks that I hadn't forgotton but thought it hadn't effected me, sexually abused from the age of 3 until 15, first my old man, he's step son..I had a year/18 months from what I recall of not being hurt...then when I was 8 it happened again my mum's drunken boyfriend, 9 I upset the school bully so he pushed me to the ground and ra*ed me. When i was 10 my "friends grandfather" start to abuse me,it lasted 5 years.

    Yesterday, I was reading courage to heal...I'd tried before and didn't get past the preface, yesterday I skipped that part and went to the first chapter, whilst readin it and reading what sexual abuse is, alarm bells were ringing in my head....it couldn't be true, sexual abuse has to be just that when sex is involved it seems not. I don't know what to believe. Is it, is it normal.

    My step dad married mum when I was 12, I was a late developer and invisable breasts, he started to play this game where I would lift my top and he would play with breasts and tweak my nipples, up until I left home at 27. He would touch me, over my clothes, he would say give me a kiss and put he's tongue in my mouth..he's the person I call dad, the person who I send a fathers day card to, the person whose name I have...

    it has to be normal..I can't take anymore. I have no1 to talk to, my mum used to laugh, I see her in the kitchen laughing whilst he's doing it and saying things to me.

    Why am I such a whore, why does this keep happening. I clearly have to die to stop this happening again. i'm scared that it will, i'm scared of everything.

    Sorry. I hate my life, I hate who I am. I want to die.
  2. PontyCruizer

    PontyCruizer Well-Known Member

    awww hun :hug:

    you are not an whore - you have grown up around bad people who deserve to die a painfull death imo = you dont have to die to stop this hapenin - u need and will find love in a sich a nice man - they do exist somewhere -

    keep strong and hope he's just around the corner

    if you need to talk or let out a burst of energy - thats what this sites for, noone knows you, noone will judge you - just try and support you

    take care x
  3. incombustible2000

    incombustible2000 Well-Known Member

    u blame yourself, but you should not blame yourself, you became used to this kind of life and it was what was normal to you. You where a child and children do not choose where they are or to be born, you get put in a situation, no fault of your own, and then just have to try and except it and move on. Its very very hard. But the one thing you have to get in your head that it is not your fault.. you did not choose these things so dont act like you did. Yes a lot of bed things happen to you. But you have to stop letting these things win.. do not let the bad things win, as long as this stuff goes on in your head, you are letting them do it to you again and have control over your life. You are in control now, nobody has to hurt you, can hurt you know more... its really hard to relize this, but you have to, you are in control now.. and no matter what anyone says you did nothing to make that happen, and they failed as adults by letting this happen, they are suppose to teaching how to be a good person and love you and so on, and they failed not you it was there job to do this, and they have to live with themelfves forever now... and you should not because you where the child, even if it still went on when you where older, its all you knew what do you expect to happen... you where only doing what you knew thats not your fault, its the same thing anybody would do in this situation.
  4. numberman

    numberman Well-Known Member


    Long time no speak

    I am pleased to see that you are still posting as I was seriously concerned at one stage

    I wish that you could move on, away from your past.It is not easy but it is like standing in treacle:until you step forward you are stuck

    How is work going? And are your niece and nephew ok? I know how much they mean to you.Always remember them whenever you feel really bad,they would be absolutely bereft and bewildered if you did anything silly.They would have their lives permanently scarred
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