How much more do I have to take. I feel like all I do is complain, remember things about the past. Find out things that I've accepted as normal, not apprentely being normal. Sunday will be 2 years since I was raped, I guess after it happened I done what I always do, try to forget it by what ever means necessary, drinking, self harming, using crack, anything to numb out the pain...but no matter how hard I tried to get on with life, on the 30th January 2006 my world crashed...flashbacks, memories, everything I'd left in the past, had "forgotton" started to come back with a vengenance. On that day I took my first overdose (since the last attempt when I was 15, which was 11 years before)...life ended that day. Since then I've had memories, thinks that I hadn't forgotton but thought it hadn't effected me, sexually abused from the age of 3 until 15, first my old man, he's step son..I had a year/18 months from what I recall of not being hurt...then when I was 8 it happened again my mum's drunken boyfriend, 9 I upset the school bully so he pushed me to the ground and ra*ed me. When i was 10 my "friends grandfather" start to abuse me,it lasted 5 years. Yesterday, I was reading courage to heal...I'd tried before and didn't get past the preface, yesterday I skipped that part and went to the first chapter, whilst readin it and reading what sexual abuse is, alarm bells were ringing in my head....it couldn't be true, sexual abuse has to be just that when sex is involved it seems not. I don't know what to believe. Is it, is it normal. My step dad married mum when I was 12, I was a late developer and invisable breasts, he started to play this game where I would lift my top and he would play with breasts and tweak my nipples, up until I left home at 27. He would touch me, over my clothes, he would say give me a kiss and put he's tongue in my mouth..he's the person I call dad, the person who I send a fathers day card to, the person whose name I have... it has to be normal..I can't take anymore. I have no1 to talk to, my mum used to laugh, I see her in the kitchen laughing whilst he's doing it and saying things to me. Why am I such a whore, why does this keep happening. I clearly have to die to stop this happening again. i'm scared that it will, i'm scared of everything. Sorry. I hate my life, I hate who I am. I want to die.