i dont see myself living a long, happy life. the fantasy, happy endings are mere fiction. They just don't exist. I just want to disappear, want to make it all go away. The suffocating fear of knowing that I'll either commit suicide or slowly kill myself scares me. I don't know what I'm more afraid of, actually dying or leaving Dylan behind. I love him so much and I don't want to hurt him. He's such a precious part of my life. He's been my life for so long now I don't know anything aside from that. To abandon him at such a point in his little life I know would devestate him but then there's the fear of never being good enough and never becoming anything I ever dreamed of or wanted. I just want to die.
i just want to die...
- Thread starter ~PinkElephants~
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Kelly,
I'm sorry you've struggled so much in life, and for so many life seems to be so very far from fair. I imagine these feelings and things going through your head is very confusing and draining. To be bound to life and death and to be stuck makes people go mad, and I'm honestly sorry you are going through this all as I am sorry that any person in life that is in that miserable place in life and them self. I'm here if you want or need to talk. Please try to take care and stay safe. :hug:
I'm sorry you've struggled so much in life, and for so many life seems to be so very far from fair. I imagine these feelings and things going through your head is very confusing and draining. To be bound to life and death and to be stuck makes people go mad, and I'm honestly sorry you are going through this all as I am sorry that any person in life that is in that miserable place in life and them self. I'm here if you want or need to talk. Please try to take care and stay safe. :hug:
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I understand how you feel, I really do. Think about you child though. Do you want them to be without you while they are growing up? They may end up resenting you which you dont want. I do understand how you feel as I feel the same. I have no one relying on me or who looks up to me though. Have ou seen your dr about things. xxx
D
Hi Kanani (I know you don't like me calling you Kelly). I hope that you can find the strength to carry on for yourself and for your little boy Dylan. You have to stick around and be a mother to your son. Your son really needs you. Ending your life would be a very selfish decision on your part. Please hang on.
Sadly he's not my little boy. He's my nephew. He's my brother's child but I take care of him b/c my brother would rather sleep or play cards or spend money elsewhere than on his son. I don't have a life and I find it odd. I'm not tied down with a child of my own, not bound to a relationship, not bound to a job. I'm simply bound by a beautiful child who I love and who loves me but sometimes I'd like my own life, my own chance at happiness and love. I can't do that. I can't make a guy understand that even if I did care and love him, Dylan would still be my number one priority.
Even if he is not your child if you are his primary care giver then you are the most important person in his life. If you look at John Bowlby's attactchment theory you will see the effects on children when they are seperated from their mother - obviously if you are the main female in his life this would apply. Basically it is not a good thing for kids. It would have 2 much of an impact on his life if you left him. So consider that before you do anything. It would realy affect him and the type of person that he would be when he grows up... sorry for all the psych babble - can't help it though. Try contacting you Dr see if he can do anything. He may be able to suggest some care that you can get.
xxxx
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