i dont see myself living a long, happy life. the fantasy, happy endings are mere fiction. They just don't exist. I just want to disappear, want to make it all go away. The suffocating fear of knowing that I'll either commit suicide or slowly kill myself scares me. I don't know what I'm more afraid of, actually dying or leaving Dylan behind. I love him so much and I don't want to hurt him. He's such a precious part of my life. He's been my life for so long now I don't know anything aside from that. To abandon him at such a point in his little life I know would devestate him but then there's the fear of never being good enough and never becoming anything I ever dreamed of or wanted. I just want to die.